You've Reached Sam

“‘Remember the concert, that night I got my guitar signed? We ended up at the café, too, isn’t that right? We shared one of those half-moon cookies…you know with the white icing? The ones you said don’t look like moons at all? Re­member that?’ [Sam asks]. Of course I remember. The memory is fresh in my head, sending a flutter to my stomach. I was wearing his denim jacket, the one I threw out this morning. We were soaking wet from the rain. Exactly like I am right now. My heart is pounding. Why is he bringing these things up again? These memories. I don’t think I can hear any more of them.”

The theme of Flashbacks and Memory appears early on through Sam using the term “remember” repeatedly with Julie, as if he’s trying to pull her into the past. His mood changes later when he wants Julie to move on with her life. At first, both need time to process his death and to feel uplifted by their past pleasant memories.

“‘That’s the surprise,’ Sam says with a laugh. ‘I went back and got the other piece for you. I let you think it was gone. That way, it would be more special when you finally get to put them together. When the wings are complete. It’s pretty romantic, right?’ Except I don’t have the other wing anymore. Because I threw it out, and now the two pieces will never be reunited. I can’t believe I ruined his gift. I ruined everything. ‘I was expecting a big reaction,’ Sam says, noticing my silence. ‘Did I do something wrong?’ ‘No, you didn’t, it’s only, I—’ I swallow hard. ‘I don’t have the other piece anymore, Sam.’ ‘Did you lose it?’ I clench his bookend. ‘No…I threw it out.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘I threw everything out,’ I tell him. ‘All of your stuff. I couldn’t look at it anymore. I was trying to forget you. I’m so sorry, Sam. [...] I know, I’m terrible. I’m sorry.’”

The symbolic bookends, which can never be reunited just like Sam and Julie, connect to the theme of Coping With Grief: Accepting the Unplanned and Julie’s regret. She feels terrible over trying to forget Sam, leaving her with a solo bookend. Their dialogue shows their compassion for each other and Julie regretting her decision.

“Sam sighs, and then squats down to my level again. His voice softens. ‘You’re scared about leaving your mom, aren’t you?’ he says. ‘I don’t want her to be alone,’ I say. ‘My dad already left, so maybe I should take a year or two off and work at the bookstore. Mr. Lee said he’d promote me to an assistant manager.’ ‘Is that what your mom would want?’ Sam asks. I don’t say anything. ‘Is that what you want?’ Nothing from me. ‘She’s going to be fine, Jules,’ Sam says. ‘Okay? You can’t name a more independent person.’ [...] ‘I know,’ I say. Sam takes my hand and our fingers lace. ‘Portland’s gonna be great,’ he promises. ‘We’ll find a cool little apartment downtown…fix it up…look for coffee shops where I can play music and you can sit and write…it’ll be like we planned.’”

Julie’s empathetic and anxious sides are revealed when she admits she doesn’t want to leave her mom alone. Though Julie is the lead planner, Sam becomes more forward-thinking, believing in their plans without certainty, which helps Julie feel better.

“After class, everyone ignores me. No one asks how I’m doing or looks my way. I don’t know what I was expecting coming back. It’s hard not to let it bother me. Maybe they all noticed I wasn’t at the funeral. Maybe they think I’m some cold, heartless person who feels nothing after her boyfriend died. The rest of the day goes like this. Hallways grow silent as I walk through them, and whispers fol­low. But I keep my chin straight and pretend I don’t hear anything.”

The theme of Coping With Grief underlies this section, as no one grieves the same way. Many of her classmates don’t know what to say or do around her, since she’s suffered a great loss. Her character is determined to be strong, to not regret her decisions even if others judge her.

“I check my phone. For some reason, Sam’s number doesn’t appear in the call history. I noticed this in the morning when I woke up. It’s as if there’s no re­cord that it happened. There’s no way this could be all in my head, could it? How else would I have known about the key under the mailbox? I guess there’s only one way to be sure. I take a deep breath and dial Sam’s number. The sound of the ringing makes me tense. But it only rings twice before he picks up. ‘Julie…’ The knots in my chest undo themselves, and I breathe easily again. ‘Sam.’ ‘You still sound relieved to hear me,’ he says with a laugh. The warmth of his voice pulls me back to the beginning and it’s…like before.”

The magical realism aspect is clear with Julie wondering if their supernatural communication is only a fantasy, especially since Sam’s calls never register in her phone. It takes Julie a while to accept that the connection is real, only fully believing it after she lets Mika talk to Sam. The blurring of fantasy versus reality is a key component of the magical realism genre. The repeated use of “before” also mirrors the structure of the book, with chapters labeled “BEFORE” and “NOW” for time and setting clarity.

“But I have to know. The words are heavy in my throat. ‘You died, Sam…You know that, don’t you?’ There’s a long silence before he answers. Sam lets out a breath. ‘Yeah I know…I’m still processing it.’ A chill goes through me. A part of me wanted to hear a different answer. Something that could bring him back to me. ‘So am I imagining all of this?’ ‘You’re not imagining anything, Julie. I promise, okay?’”

Along with Julie needing to confirm their extraordinary, real connection, she must confirm that Sam realizes he’s dead. Both Julie and Sam aren’t ready to move on, with him still processing he’s beyond the mortal world but grateful for a second chance to have a positive impact on Julie, his family, and friends before he moves on, showing the theme Coping With Grief and Letting Go.

“Questions fill my mind, but I push them aside for now and allow myself to live in this beautiful strange rabbit hole I’ve fallen into. I don’t care how any of this is possible. I have Sam back. I don’t want to let him go.”

Julie learning to accept the unplanned and go beyond her logic shows character growth. She tries to live in the moment with Sam, rather than overthinking and questioning like normal. Instead, she feels grateful to have Sam back, even just through his voice. Her acceptance of the unplanned and her resistance to letting Sam go highlight the novel’s themes of Coping With Grief and Letting Go and Change as Growth: Accepting the Unplanned.

“[Tristan] whispers, somewhat carefully, ‘So how are you doing, by the way? I’ve been wanting to reach out, but I wasn’t sure if it was too soon, you know? I’m sorry about what happened to Sam. Things must be hard right now…’ I stare at the floor, wondering what to say. Ever since Sam picked up, it’s as if the whole world flipped again, and I’m no longer sure how to respond to these questions. How do you bridge grief and hopefulness, without having someone take it the wrong way? Without hinting at your secret? ‘I’m just taking it one day at a time…’”

Being caught in the surreal state of having Sam with her after his death fills Julie with complex emotions. She doesn’t feel debilitating grief any longer since Sam isn’t fully gone yet. The complexity of her emotions, and how to respond to others, shows her inner conflict. Tristan reaching out also displays that many people have been trying to contact Julie and help her, but she’s resisted them or missed their messages due to talking with Sam, adding more conflict.

“‘Who are you writing for again?’ Mr. Lee asks, arching a brow. He has asked me this before. I know the answer he wants to hear. I write for myself. I’m not sure what this really means, though. I can’t help caring about what people think, especially about my writing. ‘We have too many voices inside our heads. You have to pick out the ones that mean something to you. What story do you want to tell?’ I stare down at the journal, thinking about this. ‘I’ll try, Mr. Lee. Thank you for this.’”

Mr. Lee’s wise character is shown by giving Julie a journal and encouraging her to write her unique story. His advice propels Julie to later delve into therapeutic writing about her and Sam’s relationship. Without Mr. Lee’s advice, she wouldn’t have listened to her own voice and written the exact story she wanted, which honored Sam in the best way she could.

“‘So what’s it like at school?’ Sam asks. ‘Is everything…different?’ [...] ‘I guess so,’ I say. [...] ‘I hate that you’re not there anymore. I don’t like sitting beside an empty chair, you know?’ ‘Are people talking about me?’ I think about this. ‘I don’t know. I don’t really talk to anyone.’ ‘Oh…Okay.’ There’s something in his voice. A note of sadness? ‘I’m sure people still think about you, though,’ I add. ‘They have photos of you in the front office and in some of the hallways. I always see them when I come in. People haven’t forgotten you, if that’s what you’re wondering.’ Sam says nothing.’”

Sam wonders how others are doing without him. Sam isn’t self-centered, but he has a natural reaction and curiosity to know how others are reacting to his death, relating again to the theme of Flashbacks and Memory. He wants Julie, Mika, James, Oliver, and all his friends and family to be okay without him.

“‘I can’t stand it. No one even uses Facebook anymore, you know? I don’t remember the last time I wrote on someone’s wall. Suddenly, he’s dead, and it’s flooded? I read through them all. It’s like they’re not even writing to [Sam]. It’s like they’re writing to each other. Trying to see who can grieve the most, you know?’ [Oliver says]. I’m not sure what to say. ‘People cope in different ways sometimes. You shouldn’t let it get to you.’ ‘It’s not different if everyone’s doing it.’”

Oliver’s feelings over Sam’s loss, and his judgment on those who are grieving over Facebook, show that he’s protective, loyal, and close with Sam. Fitting with the theme of Coping With Grief, Oliver doesn’t approve of others’ grief through writing on Sam’s Facebook wall.

“Liam exchanges a look with Taylor before he turns back to me. ‘Are we bothering your friends? The only ones at school who talk to you? At least they speak English, so that’s something.’ ‘You’re an asshole,’ I nearly shout. His eyes narrow at me. ‘At least I showed up to my friend’s funeral. Then again, I didn’t have anything to do with his death.’ A chill goes through me. I don’t even know what to say back. I just stand there, trying not to let the shock show on my face.”

Julie being blamed for Sam’s death is an immature but realistic reaction from Sam’s friends Liam and Taylor. They aim their anger and grief at Julie, rather than deal with Sam’s loss in a healthy way and create more conflict for Julie to overcome in her grief journey.

“‘Please, Mr. Gill…’ I say more desperately. ‘Can’t I just turn it in late and get marked down?’ ‘I’m sorry, Julie. I can’t accept a late paper. It’s in the syllabus.’ ‘But why not? Why can’t you mark me down or something?’ [...] One zero could bring me close to failing, and I won’t be able to graduate. And if I can’t graduate, then I won’t be able to leave this stupid town and move to Portland to go to Reed College and get into their writing program [...] ‘Because I’m preparing you for the real world.’ [...] ‘And out there, life doesn’t give you extensions. Even during the hardest times. So let this be a valuable lesson for you. You’ll thank me later.’ [...] I don’t say anything else because there’s no point. I storm out of his class before I say something I’ll regret. As much as I hate to admit it, maybe he’s right. I should prepare myself for a world where nobody is on your side or willing to help you out even when it costs them nothing at all.”

This conflict between Julie and her teacher shows her that the world doesn’t always make exceptions, no matter the heavy burdens people experience. Mr. Gill, unlike other characters, doesn’t take pity on her or make any special accommodations. Julie is given a stark, pessimistic view of the world due to her teacher’s inflexibility.

“I swallow hard, wondering how to say this. ‘I mean, what I’m asking is…do you blame me for it? Do you blame me for what happened to you?’ A long silence. ‘Oh…’ Sam’s voice deepens, finally understanding. ‘Julie—why would you even ask me that? Of course I don’t blame you. I could never blame you for what happened,’ he says. ‘None of it’s your fault, alright? But…’ He stops there. ‘But what?’ Sam takes some time to answer. ‘To be honest, I don’t know what else to say…I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that question. I don’t really wanna blame anyone. Because it won’t change anything, you know? Nothing can change what happened. It’s hard enough to accept that…’ For the first time, there’s pain in his voice, like something sharp is caught in his throat.”

Julie and Sam work through grief with this intimate, emotional dialogue that shows their vulnerability. The theme of Coping With Grief, instead of engaging in destructive behavior, is a mature lesson for them to grasp. Sam’s character grows into understanding that nothing will change his circumstances, so they should support each other to deal with his passing.

“There are so many moments I wish I could relive again. Especially the smaller ones. The quieter ones that we often don’t think about. Those are the moments I look back and miss the most. Us sitting on the floor in Sam’s room do­ing homework together, or watching movie musicals in Mika’s living room on the weekends. Or that time we decided to grab blankets and bring them to the back­yard to watch the sunrise together, for no reason. We stayed up all night, talking about what we wanted to do ten years from now, waiting to see that burning red glow curve along a dark sky, oblivious to the significance of seeing another day. And oblivious to a future when one of us would be gone.”

Julie, Sam, and Mika’s closeness adds depth to their relationship and the current day conflict with Mika. Julie’s reminiscence on their time together with vivid details shows nostalgia and the themes of Flashbacks and Memory and Change as Growth: Accepting the Unplanned, as they never could have predicted Sam’s death.

“I wish I could say I write for myself. But maybe that’s not the truth. Maybe I’m always writing for someone else. Like the English professors at Reed who might read this as my writing sample and decide if it’s good enough. What will they think of it? What if none of them care what I have to say? What do I have to say? And what if it’s insignificant to the rest of the world? I guess that shouldn’t matter, as long as it matters to me, right? It’s harder than it sounds, though. To write for yourself. Maybe that’s what Mr. Lee meant when he said we have too many voices in our heads.”

The in-depth internal monologue shows Julie’s reflective, nervous, and creative character traits through her direct voice. Thao keeps readers inside her head to make her a dynamic, raw character without filters, so we can see even her anxieties over writing, her passion.

“‘Barley…’ Sam whispers in my ear. ‘Just like from the song.’ A breath escapes me. ‘Sam…’ is all I get out. I close my eyes and breathe it all in. If I listen closely, I can almost hear the hum of his guitar playing somewhere in the distance. ‘How did you find this place?’ ‘I wandered off the trail and found it one day,’ Sam says. ‘It reminded me of the song I always play for you. The one you listen to when you write. I know you’ve been having some trouble thinking lately. I thought that, maybe if you saw it in person…the fields of gold…it would inspire you to write again.’”

Sam shows his love and care for Julie by bringing her to the gorgeous scenery of the barley fields, which fills her with joy and reveals how deeply he knows her. Though he ran out of time to bring her through the woods to this special spot linked to her favorite song, the pattern of second chances appears again, as he leads her to the location through the phone.

“Tears form behind my eyes as I stare out at the golden fields, the endless barley, and the sun that’s beginning to set, trying to hold on to every single detail so I will always remember this. So I won’t forget. And then I hear something I never thought I would hear again. Sam’s voice on the phone, singing the song ‘Fields of Gold,’ just like he promised me he would someday…

‘I never made promises lightly

And there have been some that I’ve broken

But I swear in the days still left

We’ll walk in fields of gold

We’ll walk in fields of gold….’”

Julie isn’t ready to let Sam go and how meaningful this moment is to her, made even more poignant by Sam finally singing her favorite song. The lyrics are indicative of Sam breaking promises due to his untimely death, but looking forward to seeing her again someday, adding personal layers to the tune.

“The space beneath the gravestone. Is that where Sam is supposed to be? I imagine him sleeping peacefully down there, because I can’t picture him dead. This is surreal. I was just on the phone with him. I swallow hard and look at Oli­ver. ‘Should I…say something? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do…’”

Julie’s conflicted emotions, trapped between grieving for Sam and feeling joyful he’s still present through the phone, are pushed to the surface at the graveyard with Oliver. Her internal conflict and the magical realism are confronted by the fact Sam’s body is in the ground, a scene Thao used to convey the contrast of accepting two contradictory realities: that Sam is gone but Julie can still call him whenever.

“When people think about Sam, I want them to think of his best moments. I want them to remember him as a musician, staying up late on a school night, writing music on his guitar. I want them to know him as an older brother, building giant forts in his room. And I want them to remember us, and the last three years we spent together. How we met, our first kiss, all the reasons I fell in love with him. I want them to fall in love with Sam, too. Maybe that’s what I’ll do. Write down the memories of him. Memories of us. Tell our story. Once I decide this, moments from over the years flash across my mind. I spend the next hour jotting down the ones that mean the most to me. I keep writing until I completely lose track of time.”

Julie begins truly healing and moving on through her cathartic writing about Sam, which gives her purpose and reignites her fire for writing. With newfound inspiration, she goes into a flow state and loses track of time. Giving Julie a healthy coping method, while also relating to the memory theme, was a wise choice for her characterization and plot momentum.

“‘Thought I would call you. I miss you,’ [I say].

‘I miss you, too. I miss you infinity,’ [Sam replies].”

The recurring use of their inside endearment “I miss you infinity” shows Julie and Sam’s unbreakable bond, heartache, and longing for each other. The word choice of “infinity” also relates to Sam’s world beyond, where he will be for infinite time, Julie’s infinite questions, and ironically how they don’t have infinity/forever together any longer.

“[Yuki] says, ‘You know, I don’t think you could let Sam go. Even if you re­ally wanted to.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘I guess what I mean is, Sam is still very much a part of your life, isn’t he?’ she says. ‘He might be physically gone, but you will always carry a piece of him with you. I know your time with Sam was much shorter than you wanted it to be, but that time together isn’t something you can give back. Letting go isn’t about forgetting. It’s balancing moving forward with life, and looking back from time to time, remembering the people in it.’ I stare out at the water again, thinking. If only she understood how different it is for me. I’m the only one who will have to lose him twice.”

Yuki’s safe advice is a central lesson Julie needs to hear and learn about letting go; her definition of letting go doesn’t mean forgetting someone, like Julie thought in the beginning, but still holding the person in your heart, relating to the memory theme. All the central themes, and Julie’s unique conflict of losing Sam twice, are connected in this scene.

“‘Why are you still doing this, Julie? We talked about this. And yet you’re still holding on to my music and my life when I told you there’s no point anymore. Why can’t you accept the fact that—’ ‘That what—you’re dead?’ […] ‘I have accepted it. I accepted it a while ago.’ ‘It doesn’t seem that way,’ Sam says. ‘It seems like you’re stuck on this idea that I might be coming back or something. Ever since we started talking again, it’s like you can’t seem to let me go anymore. And I’m just worried—’ ‘You don’t have anything to worry about,’ I say back, suddenly furious. ‘And let me remind you, you’re the one who picked up the phone in the first place.’ ‘Well, maybe I shouldn’t have.’ A shock goes through me. His words silence the both of us. [...] I can’t believe he would say that. I want to say something back, but nothing comes out. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean that. Please don’t—’ Sam starts.

Julie and Sam’s denial of his death and minor arguments culminate in this fight, which dig into the theme of moving on and going through the steps of grief in to heal. Sam logically knows his time is over, causing his frustration with Julie for not listening to him and trying to accomplish things he wanted while alive. Sam is also immediately regretful for being too harsh with Julie, apologizing right away, though he knows they need to find a way to move on (the central conflict of the novel).