Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

The nature of values can shift over time due to various life circumstances. Smith introduces exercises to provide clarity on current values. One distinction she draws is between values, goals, and day-to-day behaviors. For instance, valuing lifelong learning may translate to setting educational courses as goals and incorporating regular reading and studying as daily behaviors. Conversely, valuing love and compassion for others could lead to goals like remembering special dates for loved ones and translate into daily actions of expressing affection.

The toolkit introduces the “values check-in,” a tool to evaluate the importance of specific values in various life domains (e.g., relationships, health, creativity, parenting, spirituality, work) and to assess how closely one is adhering to these values. The toolkit asks readers to rate the importance of each specific value on a numerical scale and then, on the same scale, to rate how closely they are living in line with it. Large disparities between these ratings can indicate areas of life that require more attention and alignment.

The “values star” exercise offers a visual representation of alignment with personal values in different life domains. By marking levels of alignment on the points of a star, one can visualize which areas may need more focus.

When individuals recognize a misalignment between their actions and their values, the instinct often is to set lofty goals. For instance, upon realizing a value of health and fitness, someone might decide to run a marathon. However, Smith asserts that while setting goals can provide direction, true transformation arises from daily habits and behaviors that support these goals.

Taking the marathon as an example, the life-changing behavior would not be the completion of the marathon itself, but the daily commitment to training, nutrition, and consistent running. While goals provide an initial push and can be a manifestation of a person’s values, the endpoint of a goal is finite. The transformation lies in the behaviors adopted during the journey towards the goal.

Smith emphasizes the process of internalizing these new habits and thus forging a new identity. As individuals consistently engage in behaviors that align with their values, their beliefs about themselves gradually shift. For example, through consistent exercise, a person doesn’t just become someone who ran a marathon but someone who values health and fitness as part of their identity.

Happiness has more to do with relationship quality than material achievements. Early-life interactions with caregivers lay down patterns that often re-emerge in adult relationships. Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT) sheds light on these patterns, particularly when they hinder meaningful connections.

Smith challenges prevalent myths about relationships, noting that they are not smooth rides but demand effort and understanding. Love is multifaceted and inherently challenging, and both individuals in a relationship should be seen as distinct entities with the freedom to disagree and to pursue independent interests. Smith outlines three styles of attachment: Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure. Each style, shaped by early interactions with caregivers, dictates behaviors in adult relationships. For instance, an avoidant attachment style, rooted in childhood experiences with distant caregivers, makes intimacy challenging. On the contrary, a secure attachment, stemming from consistent caregiving, equips individuals with trust and the ability to express needs. Meanwhile, disorganized attachment, a result of inconsistent or abusive care, creates a blend of anxious and avoidant behaviors that can lead to complex relational patterns in adulthood.

Key to negotiating these relational issues is self-awareness. Comprehending one’s attachment style and the origins behind it can pave the way for more compassionate relationships. Dr. John Goman’s research accentuates the role of friendship within intimate relationships, suggesting that a fortified friendship foundation can bolster resilience against relationship challenges.

Smith spotlights “respectful complaining” as a communication tool, emphasizing addressing grievances with empathy and specificity, avoiding generalized blame. While conflicts are inevitable, relational rifts can be mended with empathy, open communication, and patience. The focus is on reconnection, underpinned by acceptance, compassion, love, and gratitude. Amidst challenges, fostering gratitude by consciously appreciating a partner’s positive attributes can be transformative. Establishing shared meaning and values provides the relationship a robust anchor, ensuring resilience amidst life’s storms.

Through various anecdotes and testimonies, Smith emphasizes the transformative impact of starting conversations about mental well-being. The significance of talking about mental health becomes evident through numerous messages from individuals who began their therapy journey after encountering Smith’s online content.

A major challenge is determining the right time to seek professional assistance, especially as mental health challenges can impact decision-making. Smith suggests that any concern about one’s mental well-being warrants a visit to a professional. Unfortunately, myriad barriers, including cultural taboos and limited resources, hinder many from accessing this crucial support. However, for those with the means to reach out, initiating the therapeutic conversation can be a game-changer.

Many people grapple with the feeling of not “deserving” therapy, often deeming their struggles less significant than those of others. This mindset leads many to wait until they reach their breaking point to seek assistance, making the recovery process even more challenging. Smith advocates for proactive measures in maintaining mental health, asserting that seeking help earlier rather than later can make a significant difference.

For those unable to access professional help, the role of community and online resources becomes paramount. The advent of the internet has broadened access to educational materials on mental health and fostered global discussions on the topic. Individuals who once felt isolated now understand that mental health fluctuations are a normal part of the human experience. Numerous recovery and growth stories circulate online, offering hope and demonstrating that mental well-being can be managed and improved over time. While access to effective therapies should be universal, in their absence, the emphasis should be on self-education, sharing with trusted individuals, and leveraging the power of human connection.