Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

While it’s natural to avoid situations that induce anxiety, Smith notes that such avoidance can amplify anxiety over time. Avoiding fearful situations deprives the brain of the opportunity to accumulate evidence that it can face and survive those scenarios. To reduce anxiety associated with specific triggers, one must repetitively face them, thus expanding one’s comfort zone.

Many resort to temporary solutions to numb or evade anxiety. These solutions offer momentary relief but may contribute to heightened anxiety in the future. Some of these common safety behaviors include:

Escape: Fleeing situations like social gatherings or confined spaces when anxiety surges.

Anxious Avoidance: Declining invitations or opting for conveniences like home deliveries to steer clear of anxiety-inducing environments.

Compensatory Strategies: Overcompensating, such as excessive washing after being in a place associated with contamination fears.

Anticipation: Repeatedly visualizing worst-case scenarios without constructing helpful action plans, leading to increased apprehension.

Reassurance Seeking: Frequently seeking affirmation from loved ones to quell anxious feelings, eventually resulting in an unhealthy dependency on them for emotional stability.

Safety Behaviors: Depending on external objects or habits perceived as safety nets, like always carrying medications or using a mobile phone as a social crutch.

Smith suggests that confronting fears and anxieties head-on, rather than relying on these safety behaviors, fosters genuine growth and strength.

Recognizing the connection between rapid breathing and anxiety, Smith emphasizes that controlling and slowing down the breathing process can aid in calming the body and mind. She suggests a method called the extended outbreath technique, where individuals may count their breaths to maintain a rhythm—breathing in for a set number of counts and exhaling for a longer duration. Another beneficial tool is square breathing, which involves focusing on a square object and synchronizing breathing patterns to each side, inhaling for four seconds, holding for four seconds, exhaling for four seconds, and then holding again for the same duration.

Smith promotes the value of physical activity in managing anxiety. When anxiety manifests, muscles become charged with oxygen and adrenaline. Without a means to utilize this surge, symptoms like shaking, sweating, and restlessness can ensue. Engaging in exercise, whether it’s a brief jog or a more intensive session, can aid in expending this built-up energy, promoting relaxation. Regular physical activity, even on stress-free days, serves as both a preventive and therapeutic measure against anxiety, contributing to better mental well-being.

Anxious thoughts can often distort perceptions of reality, creating vivid and distressing scenarios. These anxiety-inducing thoughts often behave like a faulty smoke alarm, ringing false alerts that can be challenging to silence. To traverse this mental terrain, one must discern between actual threats and unnecessary apprehensions.

Smith presents several strategies for managing these invasive thoughts. It’s important to understand that not all thoughts represent reality: Thoughts are influenced by myriad factors, including physical states, past experiences, and sensory input. Mindfulness emerges as a pivotal tool in this context, making it possible to observe thoughts without letting them dictate one’s sense of reality. Recognizing common cognitive biases, such as catastrophizing and personalizing, aids in reducing their hold over one’s mindset.

The “thought challenging” method stands out as a potent technique to differentiate between genuine concerns and unfounded fears. This entails documenting the anxious thought, assessing its validity through evidence, and considering alternative perspectives. When this technique falters, Smith recommends adopting others that prioritize distancing from the distressing thought.

Smith underscores the power of attention, likening it to a spotlight that can either magnify anxious thoughts or illuminate positive ones. Smith uses the story of a dramatic proposal atop the Sydney Harbour Bridge which shows the power of redirecting focus, changing the emotional experience from paralyzing fear to joyous surprise.

By treating oneself with kindness, like a cherished friend, one can react to daunting situations in a more measured and constructive way. Coupled with this is the art of reframing, which transforms perceived threats into challenges and opportunities.

Smith confronts a profound and universal fear: the inevitability of death. Recognizing the omnipresence of this fear, she explores how it impacts daily life, sometimes directly, and other times through smaller anxieties related to health or risk-taking. It’s argued that many mental health issues may root back to this central fear. Specific phobias, whether of heights, snakes, or even health concerns, often revolve around the heightened sense of mortality.

To cope with the relentless awareness of mortality, individuals often engage in safety behaviors. These can range from risk-aversion to seeking fame or fortune or trying to leave a legacy. Irvin Yalom’s insights shed light on the dual nature of death awareness: while it can be paralyzing, it can also inspire a quest for deeper meaning and purpose. Surprisingly, confronting mortality can catalyze profound positive changes. This is evident in research with breast cancer survivors, where facing death led many to re-evaluate life’s purpose and meaning.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is introduced as a therapeutic tool to explore mortality. Through exercises like envisioning one’s funeral or contemplating personal heroes who have passed on, individuals are encouraged to derive meaning and purpose from life’s transience. The goal isn’t to wallow in despair, but to understand and choose paths that align with personal values.

Smith also examines different ways individuals find acceptance around death. These include believing in an afterlife, viewing death as relief from suffering, and recognizing it as a natural, inevitable part of life. Among other exercises, Smith suggests writing one’s own epitaph, a means of reflecting not on death but on the life one wishes to lead.