63 pages • 2 hours read
Julie SmithWhy Has Nobody Told Me This Before?
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2022A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 4Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 4: “On Grief”
Part 4, Chapter 14 Summary: “The Multifaceted Nature of Grief”
Smith examines the issue of grief, attempting to broaden the reader’s understanding of this concept. Grief is not solely tied to the death of a loved one, but can also accompany other significant losses. The global COVID-19 pandemic is an example of a large-scale event that can evoke profound feelings of loss, encompassing lost moments, opportunities, and the comfort of certainty.
Smith emphasizes that grief is a natural human response, not an indication of personal failure or a disorder. She views it as essential to dispel misconceptions that treat grief as an anomaly. She also notes that grief encompasses more than just sadness; it can manifest as an intense yearning for what was lost. Human connections are fundamental, and the end of a relationship doesn’t diminish the need for that connection. In keeping with the goal of expanding the definition of grief, Smith points out that grief is not experienced solely in the mind; it also manifests in the body. The combined emotional and physical strain of grief activates the stress response.
While avoidance is a common response to the overwhelming nature of grief, Smith cautions against this reaction, as it often leads to feelings of numbness or detachment that can be detrimental, sometimes resulting in depression, suicidal ideation, or substance use. Responding to grief in a healthy way doesn’t necessarily mean eliminating pain. Instead, it might involve understanding the normalcy of the grieving process or using the tools of metacognition to acknowledge and make space for painful emotions.
Engaging with grief requires understanding and patience. By recognizing the process, individuals can gradually immerse themselves in their emotions, building resilience and strength to continue engaging with life despite the ever-present reminders of loss.
Part 4, Chapter 15 Summary: “Navigating the Fluidity of Grief’s Stages”
The stages of grief were initially conceptualized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. Contrary to a linear progression, these don’t always occur in a particular order and don’t adhere to specific timelines. They serve as a framework for understanding the emotional experience of the grieving process, not a set of prescriptive steps.
Smith outlines these stages:
Denial: This phase can act as a buffer against overwhelming grief. It involves not a refusal of the event, but a protective delay in fully processing the gravity of the situation. Over time, denial dissipates, revealing underlying emotions.
Anger: This strong emotion often masks deeper pain or fear. Experiencing and expressing anger can help unearth and address these root feelings. Physically venting anger (in safe ways) can be beneficial. Importantly, attempting relaxation exercises before addressing anger may prove ineffective.
Bargaining: This stage is characterized by ‘What if...’ or ‘If only...’ rumination. It’s an attempt to negotiate away the pain, often involving mental or spiritual promises to reverse or mitigate the loss.
Depression: This profound sadness after a loss is a natural response to the situation and doesn’t always signify a mental disorder. While it’s essential to find ways to comfort oneself during this period, there’s no need to suppress or hide this pain.
Acceptance: Not an endorsement of the loss, acceptance refers to a stage where one begins to acclimate to the new reality, focusing on personal needs and forming new connections. It’s not a permanent state; one can cycle back to earlier stages, reflecting the unpredictable and wave-like nature of grief.
Part 4, Chapter 16 Summary: “Navigating Mourning and Its Multifaceted Journey”
People deal with grief in a variety of ways. Drawing on William Worden’s 2011 concept, Smith outlines four tasks of mourning:
Accepting the Reality of Loss: It’s about coming to terms with the new reality after the loss has occurred.
Processing the Pain of Grief: Grief is intense and multifaceted, and working through its pain is essential.
Adjusting to a World Without the Loved One: It entails acclimating to an environment where the person no longer exists physically.
Maintaining a Connection with the Departed: This involves finding a new way to sustain a bond with the loved one while continuing to engage in the present.
People approach grief differently; some confront their emotions head-on, while others opt for distractions. Both are important. It’s essential to feel the pain and give oneself breaks, a balance described by Stroebe & Schut’s Dual Process Model, first articulated in 1999, in which the grieving person oscillates between “loss-oriented” direct engagement with grief and “restoration oriented” activities designed to provide respite from emotional pain. Smith stresses the value of expressing emotions, whether through talking, writing, or other forms of art. These acts provide a cathartic outlet for the grieving individual.
Smith highlights a critical dichotomy between remembering the departed and living in the present. Over time, it’s about finding a balance, allowing both needs to coexist. The pain remains, but individuals build their lives around it, a sentiment echoed in Therese Rando’s 1993 concept of the “accommodation phase” of grieving.
Smith emphasizes that seeking professional help, like counseling or therapy, isn’t an admission of grieving incorrectly. Instead, it’s about finding a sanctuary to express and navigate those raw emotions safely, aided by someone trained to support the journey.
Part 4, Chapter 17 Summary: “Foundations for Navigating Grief”
Smith explores the “pillars of strength” formulated by grief psychotherapist Julia Samuel in 2017. These pillars are integral structures that, when strengthened, assist individuals in rebuilding their lives after a significant loss.
Continuing Connection to the Departed: While the physical presence of a loved one may no longer exist, the bond remains. Adapting to such a loss can involve activities like visiting shared special places or spending moments at memorials, preserving that connection.
Self-Relationship: A central theme in navigating grief is self-awareness. It’s crucial to recognize personal coping mechanisms and be in tune with individual needs. A strong relationship with oneself facilitates better self-care during challenging times.
Expression of Grief: Grief has no universally correct mode of expression. Individuals find solace in varied ways—be it quiet reflection, holding memorials, or sharing experiences. Whatever the method, allowing oneself to process feelings aids in healing.
Importance of Time: Grief doesn’t adhere to a set timeline. Pressuring oneself to conform to expected timelines can amplify distress. Instead, focusing on the present day, devoid of broader expectations, can be more beneficial.
Harmony of Mind and Body: One’s physical state and emotions are interconnected. As highlighted earlier, every aspect of one’s being influences all the others. Hence, holistic care—encompassing regular exercise, nutrition, and social connections—is pivotal in reinforcing mental well-being during times of grief.
Setting Boundaries: Often, well-meaning advice from others can become overwhelming. It’s essential to recognize one’s own limits, set boundaries, and prioritize personal well-being.
Maintaining Structure: Despite the upheaval that loss brings, maintaining some semblance of routine can be grounding. A balanced approach, which allows for both flexibility in grieving and adherence to beneficial routines, can prevent further mental health deterioration.
The Practice of Focusing: At times, emotions can be too vast or complex to articulate. In such moments, simply observing and visualizing the sensations within can foster a deeper understanding of one’s shifting emotional and physical states.
Part 4 Analysis
Smith explores the various issues of grieving, each elucidating distinct but interlinked aspects of the human experience following loss.
The Kübler-Ross model of grief stages emphasizes the non-linearity and personal nature of grief, laying the foundation for understanding The Varied Landscapes of Mental Health that individuals face during the grieving process. For example, denial is presented not as a refusal of the event, but as a protective buffer against overwhelming emotions. This interpretation suggests that grief shapes not just an emotional landscape, but also a mental one, involving cognitive processes like denial and bargaining.
Smith elaborates on this topic by introducing William Worden’s concept of “tasks of mourning.” These tasks—accepting the reality of loss, processing its pain, adjusting to a world without the departed, and maintaining a connection with them—expand the scope from emotional response to active engagement. It introduces the concept of Coping and Thriving Mechanisms that go beyond mere survival to address how one can actively grieve yet continue to engage with life. For instance, the text emphasizes the significance of expressive outlets like art and conversation as a form of coping. Further, Smith highlights Stroebe & Schut’s 1999 idea that a balanced approach to grieving involves both confronting emotions and finding distractions, supporting the notion that there are multiple pathways to negotiate the complexities of emotional health.
Smith takes the discussion a step further by outlining the “pillars of strength” formulated by grief psychotherapist Julia Samuel. These eight pillars—ranging from setting boundaries to the practice of focusing—move beyond coping mechanisms to thriving mechanisms, suggesting a way to rebuild life after a significant loss. Some of these pillars, like maintaining a continuing connection to the departed and a conscious engagement with the self, emphasize the importance of The Quest for Meaning. These offer avenues for finding personal significance and meaning even within the disorienting labyrinth of grief.
Smith presents grief as a multi-dimensional process involving both the mind and the body and offers a balanced view on various Coping and Thriving Mechanisms. This integrated approach respects the individual nature of grief, illustrating that while the experience is deeply personal, it doesn’t have to be isolating. Instead, there are numerous tools, both internal and external, that can assist individuals in traversing their unique journeys through grief, ensuring that the process, while challenging, can also be a transformative one.
