Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

When people are feeling down, they often turn to quick fixes, such as alcohol, drugs, or hours spent in front of a screen. These fixes provide a temporary escape from feelings, but often, the reprieve is short-lived, and people soon find themselves in a vicious cycle of seeking instant relief and facing intensified negative emotions.

Smith probes the intricate relationship between thoughts and feelings. Specific thought biases become prevalent when moods are low. These negative habits of mind then make us feel worse, leading to another self-perpetuating cycle. When experiencing low moods, we tend to make assumptions about others’ thoughts without concrete evidence, a habit Smith calls mind reading. We may engage in egocentric thinking, projecting values and standards onto others and getting upset when we don’t meet those expectations. We may engage in emotional reasoning, believing that our fears are true because they feel true, rather than seeking concrete evidence. We often set relentless and unrealistic expectations for ourselves—what Smith calls musts and should—leading to feelings of inadequacy. Lastly, we view things in black-and-white terms, like “I’m either a complete success or a total failure”—a habit Smith calls all-or-nothing thinking.

While people can’t prevent these thought biases, recognizing them is the first step in managing them.

Smith examines the power of distancing oneself from overwhelming thoughts and emotions, drawing parallels with the transformation of Stanley Ipkiss in the 1994 movie The Mask. Just as Stanley is consumed by the mask’s influence when he wears it but can separate from its power when he holds it away, individuals can gain perspective by distancing themselves from overpowering thoughts. Smith emphasizes the inherent human tendency to be consumed by negative and self-critical thoughts, especially during low moods. These thoughts, if unchecked, can further intensify negative feelings.

However, the power lies in the response to these thoughts rather than the thoughts themselves. Metacognition, essentially thinking about one’s thoughts, allows individuals to observe their thought processes and thus diminish the power these thoughts can have over them. It becomes evident that thoughts are not always factual; they can be judgments, memories, interpretations, or predictions, often based on limited information.

To cultivate this awareness and distancing, Smith promotes the practice of mindfulness, comparing it to a spotlight that can be intentionally redirected. Mindfulness is presented as a tool—a way to be more present and aware of one’s thoughts and feelings without judgment. She warns against unrealistic expectations of constant positivity, emphasizing that it’s not about controlling or eliminating negative thoughts, but rather choosing how to respond to them.

Smith uses the term rumination to describe the continuous churning of thoughts, especially those of a negative nature. This mode of thought is a significant factor in perpetuating low moods. Smith provides practical suggestions to break this cycle, such as using physical movement to shift one’s mindset or asking oneself what one would do if one were at one’s best. Interacting with others is also presented as a potent tool against rumination, as others can reflect what they observe, aiding in self-awareness.

When overwhelmed with low spirits, even simple decisions can seem daunting. The root of this issue often ties back to perfectionism, which can freeze the decision-making process due to the fear of possible negative outcomes.

In combating low moods, the focus should be on making good decisions that lead in a positive direction, not on striving for perfection. Action, regardless of its magnitude, is pivotal. When stuck in deep waters, it’s crucial to pick a direction and move, lest one drown in indecision. To avoid being swayed solely by fleeting emotions, decisions should align with personal values, especially concerning mental and physical well-being.

Elevated levels of self-criticism often accompany low moods. While it’s challenging to stop such thoughts from arising, Smith suggests that one can notice and respond to them in a manner that diminishes their influence. One technique involves imagining how one would respond if a loved one expressed similar negative self-talk. Channeling that compassion toward oneself can be transformative.

Smith transitions to the importance of focusing on desired feelings rather than merely escaping the undesirable ones. She offers diagramming techniques and exercises to help readers deconstruct the factors leading to low moods and identify signs of improvement, behavioral changes, and shifts in self-perception.

Smith underscores the significance of foundational elements in maintaining and improving mental health—sleep, exercise, nutrition, routine, and human connection.

Sleep is paramount, impacting both physical and mental well-being, and lack of sleep leaves people vulnerable to numerous ailments. Strategies to improve sleep include avoiding caffeine in the evening, maintaining a consistent routine, and creating an environment conducive to relaxation.

Exercise is valuable not only for its physical benefits but also its antidepressant effects. It increases dopamine levels, enhancing the capacity for pleasure. The emphasis is on finding enjoyable forms of physical activity, such as dancing at home or practicing yoga, rather than viewing exercise as a strenuous obligation.

Nutrition is closely linked with mental health. Studies suggest a direct correlation between dietary choices and mood, with certain traditional diets, like the Mediterranean diet, showing positive impacts on mental well-being. The focus is on whole, unprocessed foods, healthy fats, and whole grains.

Routine provides a sense of security and predictability. During disruptions, such as the pandemic, the importance of a structured routine becomes even more apparent. Too much routine, however, can lead to boredom and even depression, so it’s crucial to balance repetition with novelty is.

Human connection is highlighted as a significant defense against mental health challenges. Positive relationships foster improved mood outcomes, while deteriorating relationships can exacerbate low moods. Smith recognizes that it can feel natural to isolate oneself during times of struggle, but she emphasizes the importance of connection at such times, advising readers to seek out connection even before feeling a desire to connect.