Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

“Something that I have come to realize over the years of working as a psychologist is how much people struggle with low mood and never tell a soul. Their friends and family would never know. They mask it, push it away and focus on meeting expectations. Sometimes people arrive at therapy after years of doing that.”

The quote highlights the psychological ramifications of societal expectations, underscored by Smith’s professional experience as a psychologist. It employs an insightful narrative technique, blending anecdotal evidence (“over the years of working as a psychologist”) with a sweeping general observation about human behavior (“people struggle with low mood and never tell a soul”). This lends the statement both credibility and a sense of urgent universality.

“Thoughts are not facts. They are a mix of opinions, judgements, stories, memories, theories, interpretations, and predictions about the future. They are ideas offered up by your brain about ways we could make sense of the world. But the brain has limited information to go on.”

This quote underscores the subjective and complex nature of human cognition, urging readers to critically examine their own thoughts rather than taking them as truth. By categorizing thoughts as a blend of opinions, judgments, and predictions, among other things, Smith encourages a metacognitive approach to understanding one’s mental processes.

“The basics are not glamorous. They don’t give us that hit of having bought something that promises to fix everything. But they are cash in the health bank. When life starts throwing things at you, those defenses are going to keep you standing, and help to pull you back up if you fall.”

The quote employs metaphor and contrast to emphasize the long-term value of foundational habits over quick fixes. By referring to “basics” as “cash in the health bank,” Smith provides an economic metaphor that contrasts the allure of immediate gratification (“that hit of having bought something”) with the sustained benefits of consistent, mundane actions. The phrase “those defenses are going to keep you standing” emphasizes how vital this often-overlooked daily work can be.

“Motivation is a wonderful by-product of action. It’s that great feeling you get when you are on your way out of the gym, not on your way in.”

This quote employs some relatable imagery and juxtaposition to drive home the point about the true nature of motivation. The imagery of “on your way out of the gym” evokes a sense of accomplishment and positive energy, contrasting sharply with the implied reluctance or hesitance of being “on your way in.” This juxtaposition serves to debunk the commonly held notion that motivation precedes action; instead, it argues that motivation is often generated through the act of doing.

“The best strategy for motivation is to take motivation out of the equation. There are things we do every day, whether we feel like it or not.”

This serves as a provocative inversion of common wisdom. While people often think of motivation as the precursor to action, Smith argues that it’s more productive to remove motivation from the equation entirely. This paradoxical statement captures attention and prompts deeper thought. It suggests that the key to accomplishment lies not in some ephemeral emotional state, but in the stable, consistent routines people can build.

“Emotions are neither your enemy nor your friend. They do not occur because your brain has a few cogs misaligned or because you are a sensitive soul, as you were told in the past. Emotions are your brain’s attempt to explain and attach meaning to what is going on in your world and your body.”

This quote explores the complex nature of emotions, challenging common misconceptions about them. The binary opposites “enemy” and “friend” serve to dispel the notion that emotions are to be categorized as purely good or bad, encouraging a more nuanced understanding. The phrase “your brain has a few cogs misaligned or because you are a sensitive soul” employs metaphor and idiom to confront and debunk societal or cultural explanations often used to dismiss or trivialize emotional experiences. Overall, this urges a more balanced and informed understanding of emotions as complex reactions to one’s environment and internal state.

“The idea of welcoming all emotional experience feels almost alarming at first. It is the opposite of what many of us are taught to do with feelings.”

Smith directly challenges societal norms and teachings about emotion, offering a counter-narrative that invites introspection. The use of the word “alarming” serves to emphasize how deeply ingrained these normative beliefs are, making the suggestion to “welcome” emotions feel almost dangerous or taboo. By positioning this idea as the “opposite” of common teachings, Smith emphasizes the radical nature of this new approach to emotional wellness.

“Seeing emotions for what they are is key to being able to process themin a healthy way. You are not your feelings and your feelings are not who you are.”

The repetition of the phrase “See emotions for what they are” serves to emphasize the importance of an objective, non-judgmental view of one’s feelings. This idea is designed to be liberating, offering the reader an alternative perspective wherein emotions are viewed as informative experiences rather than defining characteristics.

“We cannot work through grief all in one go and feel that much emotional pain without rest. But we cannot do the work through grief without allowing ourselves the space to feel it.”

This quote encompasses the duality and complexity of the grieving process. It juxtaposes two contrasting ideas—rest and emotional pain—to highlight the necessity of both in navigating grief. It suggests that grief is not a linear journey, but a fluctuating process that demands both emotional labor and periods of respite.

“Criticism and disapproval is something we all have to face at some point. But nobody ever really teaches us how to deal with it in a way that allows that feedback to enhance our life instead of destroying our self-esteem.”

This quote juxtaposes the idea that criticism can either “enhance our life” or “destroy our self-esteem,” a dichotomy that effectively captures the weight that feedback can carry in people’s lives. Smith notes an irony: Everyone experiences criticism, but no one teaches us how to respond to it.

“People-pleasing is a pattern of behavior in which you consistently put all others before yourself even to the detriment of your own health and well-being. It can leave us feeling unable to express our needs, likes and dislikes, and unable to hold boundaries or even keep ourselves safe.”

Smith employs a straightforward, declarative style to assert the consequences of people-pleasing, making the message more impactful and easier for the reader to internalize. This brings attention to the extreme lengths to which people will go for external validation, providing a sobering look at how deeply ingrained these behavioral patterns can be. The choice of words like “detriment,” “unable,” and “boundaries” creates a lexicon of limitation and negativity, which serves to heighten the urgency and gravity of the subject matter.

“Confidence is like a home that you build for yourself. When you go somewhere new, you must build a new one.”

Smith employs a metaphor to illuminate the evolving and situational nature of confidence. The metaphor of a “home” encapsulates the comfort, security, and familiarity people associate with confidence. However, the notion that one must build a “new” home when entering a different setting underscores that confidence is not a fixed quality but one that needs to be cultivated anew in different contexts.

“If we believe that mistakes and shortcomings should be met with humiliation and shame no matter what the intention, how do we ever begin to be OK with taking risks and making mistakes ourselves?”

Smith highlights the impact of societal norms on individual behavior. She employs a rhetorical question to provoke thought, asking the reader to reflect on the collective attitudes toward failure and how these shape one’s willingness to take risks.

“Every time we cut something out of our lives because of fear, life shrinks a little. So our efforts to get rid of fear today mean that fear gets to take over our life choices in the long term.”

Smith illustrates the irony of human behavior, where efforts to eliminate immediate discomfort lead to long-term dissatisfaction and limitation. The phrase “life shrinks a little” employs a vivid metaphor that captures the essence of how avoidance behaviors can limit one’s life experiences, reducing not just opportunities but also potential for growth.

“Acceptance of death is not the same as giving up on life. Quite the opposite. Acceptance of death allows us to bring meaning to life.”

This paradox—the juxtaposition of seemingly contradictory ideas—deepens the reader’s understanding of the complex relationship between mortality and the search for meaning. It pushes readers to reconceptualize how acceptance of an unavoidable end can be a catalyzing force in pursuing a fulfilling and intentional life.

“So while the mechanisms of stress and anxiety are the same, we conceptualize them in different ways. If you are lying in bed and hear glass breaking downstairs, your stress response will fire up but you are more likely to frame that sensation as anxiety and fear.”

Smith argues that stress and anxiety are conceptually separated despite sharing physiological origins. Smith employs a real-life example—a situation involving broken glass heard from a bedroom—to illustrate how people mentally frame their reactions as either stress or anxiety based on the context. This use of a vivid, relatable scenario serves as an effective narrative device to bring an abstract concept to life.

“We cannot untangle stress from a meaningful life. Whatever your unique personal values, anything that you strive towards and work for is going to require your stress response to get you there.”

Smith challenges conventional wisdom by positioning stress not as a hindrance, but as an integral part of a fulfilling life. The metaphor of “untangling,” likens the relationship between stress and a meaningful life to intertwined threads that cannot be easily separated. Smith also uses the words “unique personal values,” emphasizing that what constitutes a meaningful life will be different for each individual.

“Burnout happens when that short-term stress response that we have is repeatedly triggered over a prolonged period, without enough chance to rest and restore in between.”

Smith employs the device of contrast by juxtaposing “short-term stress response” with “repeatedly triggered over a prolonged period,” illuminating how something designed for acute situations can become harmful when made chronic. This quote is both comprehensive and easy to understand—a quality that lends itself well to academic discussion or casual conversation about stress and mental health.

“Research shows that how we think about our stress affects how we perform under pressure. A shift from perceiving the stress response as a problem to viewing it as an asset that will help frees up those individuals to spend less energy trying to squash the feelings and instead focus on meeting whatever demands they face.”

Smith employs contrast and juxtaposition to compare two different approaches to stress: viewing it as a “problem” versus an “asset.” This dichotomy serves to underscore the transformative power of perspective. By presenting a counterintuitive idea—that stress can be beneficial—Smith challenges conventional wisdom, adding a layer of complexity to the discussion on stress management.

“[H]umans are not built to be in a constant happy state. We are built to respond to the challenges of survival.”

Smith addresses a common misconception about happiness—that it should be a continuous, unvarying state of being. This line employs a straightforward, declarative tone to challenge popular culture’s idealization of perpetual happiness. By contrasting the idea of “constant happy state” with “challenges of survival,” Smith employs juxtaposition to highlight the evolutionary and psychological underpinnings of human emotions.

“[Acceptance and Commitment Therapy] is about the meaning we find in both the toughest and easiest days. It does not ask us to wait until everything is fine before we start living as the kind of person we want to be.”

The quote encapsulates the essence of existentialism and self-determination, stressing that one’s life should not be put on hold until circumstances align perfectly. This flips the common narrative that “life begins at the end of your comfort zone” or that you should “wait for the right moment” and urges the reader to act based on their values here and now.

“Motivation is like a flame on a match. It will burn itself out. It’s an unsustainable source of fuel. But if you have a routine of small actions that are not too radical or dramatic to maintain, then your new sense of identity will help to sustain you.”

This quote utilizes metaphor and contrast to emphasize the fleeting nature of motivation as opposed to the enduring power of identity-driven routines. The metaphor of motivation as a “flame on a match” captures its transient, ephemeral quality. It burns bright but not for long, highlighting the dangers of relying solely on motivation for long-term change.

“Our relationships are what make us human. When it comes to living a happy life, relationships trump money, fame, social class, genes and all the things we are told to strive for first and foremost.”

Smith challenges commonly held notions of what constitutes a successful or meaningful life, inviting readers to reassess their own priorities. The quote underscores the central idea that relationships aren’t just a part of life but are integral to people’s very identity and well-being, acting as a catalyst for a subsequent discussion on how to nurture relationships properly.