Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

To Nic, older women such as Zelda remind him of his mother. Because his mother separates from his father and moves away when he is young, Nic only sees her occasionally. When he does live with her, he lives in fear of her abusive husband. Generally, Nic sees his mother as flighty and unavailable. For all of these reasons, he develops abandonment issues and seeks out romantic relationships with women who remind him of his mother. Moreover, he seeks out women that he feels he can rescue just as he wishes to rescue his mother from her husband. This is mirrored in his relationship with Zelda. Nic repeats on numerous occasions that he is attracted to Zelda’s age and finds her beautiful because of it. He is also drawn to the fact that she is both emotionally and physically unavailable to him at times. He seeks out her attention desperately, becomes wholly obsessed with her, and is terrified that she will leave him. In particular, he wants to rescue her from her own past and drug use, as well as from her abusive boyfriend, Mike.

Nic works out in a variety of ways throughout the memoir, but swimming and biking are two of the most prominent. In both cases, the activities are representative of his life before addiction and sobriety. During his relapses, he constantly thinks back to biking around Los Angeles with Spencer. Whenever he sees the ocean, he thinks back to swimming when he was younger. He notes at the beginning of the memoir that he was an accomplished swimmer in high school before he became a drug addict. While he is detoxing, Nic is especially aware of what his drug use has done to his body and how little physical activity he can do. During periods of sobriety, Nic is manic about working out regularly and is even competitive about it with Spencer. He notes that working out provides him with release and that his anxiety increases when he is not able to exert himself to the point of exhaustion. 

To Nic, Hollywood represents worthiness. Though Nic does not specify, it is possible that his fixation on Hollywood develops in his childhood. Though not celebrities, both his parents are journalists and circulate in the entertainment world. This is the world Nic grows up around. He, himself, is obsessed with movies and writing. One of his particular interests in Zelda is her former marriage to a famous Hollywood actor and her own status as a Los Angeles celebrity. Nic is desperate to be accepted by Zelda’s friends and the Hollywood 12-step scene. Once he is, he feels a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. Even at Safe Passage Center, he name drops so frequently that he is admonished to stop and policed by his therapists and fellow patients.