Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

Spencer continues to help Nic, lending him money and answering his questions about recovery and the 12-step program. He encourages Nic to call his family, and to help others so “we don’t have to be thinking about ourselves all the time” (137). Spencer also takes Nic to meet his wife, Michelle, and his daughter, Lucy. Being around Lucy reminds Nic of his beloved stepbrother and stepsister, Jasper and Daisy, and his own troubled childhood. Though he insists that his childhood was not “that awful or anything,” (138) he questions whether he actually had one because of the adults around him who always treated him like an adult. Though he found it exciting then, he recognizes that he probably grew up too fast.

Nic describes addiction as “a disease of amnesia” (142). The early phase of the recovery process, the detox, is incredibly difficult but also easy because the last thing he desires is to use again. However, as time goes on, he forgets “why [he] needed to get sober in the first place” and “the bad shit starts to not seem really that bad” (142). This makes relapsing easier because he forgets about the consequences. Nevertheless, Nic continues to rely on and talk with Spencer about his problems, particularly his inability to believe in a higher power and to pray. He also wonders whether some of his mental illness is caused by a chemical imbalance. Along with apologizing to an old girlfriend, Nic reestablishes contact with his mother. With Michelle’s help, he also gets a part-time job at a hair salon as a receptionist.

After a particularly hard week, Nic is overwhelmed by how lonely and bored he is. He feels torn between biking, working, and going to meetings, and missing “the excitement” (150) of using drugs. Nic feels particularly inadequate and worthless without a girlfriend and starts thinking about Lauren and San Francisco. When he goes to check on his mom’s dogs, he is tempted to get high. He calls Lauren and tells her that he is considering moving back to San Francisco. She invites him to live with her. After their phone call, he starts planning to ransack his mom’s house in search for money. He stops for a moment to consider his actions and calls Spencer instead, who talks him through his mania and invites him over for dinner. After the episode, Nic feels “exhausted, like I just fought a goddamn war or something” (156).

Nic spends much of his time working at the hair salon. When he can, he writes, working on “a children’s book and a screenplay about zombies that take over a drug rehab” (156). He is comforted when he is working on something and admits that “writing gives [him] a purpose” (156). Nic also commits to communing with God and asking for guidance throughout his day. He practices obsessively and says that positive affirmations do work for him, clearing his head and preventing him from dwelling on the past or the future. Spencer’s suggestion that Nic get in touch with his father leads him to ruminate on their relationship. Despite recognizing the fact that his father overexposed him as a child, he says that he “wouldn’t trade it for anything. I am proud of the way my dad raised me and love him for it” (160). After reconnecting with old friends in the program, Nic musters up the courage to call his dad, and the two chat briefly.