Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

After Nic congratulates himself for being “the greatest hustler in the goddamn world,” (80) he is forced to face the consequences of Lauren’s hospitalization. Her parents plan to return home immediately and beg Nic to convince Lauren to live at her therapist’s house for a week. Though Nic promises to do what he can, he is more concerned about losing his luxurious living situation. He continues to shoot Lauren up, lamenting that he ever called the paramedics and writing that “all this luxury living is over. I bring Lauren’s coffee down to her and find myself kinda wishing I never called the goddamn ambulance in the first place. She would have been fine” (77). Nic also worries that “even the meth isn’t getting me that high anymore” (77).

Nic and Gack run into trouble when they cut the crystal meth they intend to sell with vitamin B powder. The batch is ruined, but Gack convinces Nic to sell it regardless. Unhappy customers tell everyone about the defective drugs, and Nic and Gack lose business. Nic questions whether his relapse was worth it and recalls “back to my life sober–working, getting up early to go on bike rides and shit, going to movies. I haven’t looked at a newspaper in over two weeks […] but this is the life I want to live, right? I mean, I’m happier” (93). His panic increases when Lauren reveals that her parents are coming home soon. Lauren tries to calm him down by promising that they can live in her car together, get sober, and have a baby. Nic admits, “I kinda wish I’d left her in fucking Santa Cruz” (96).

Nic leaves Lauren’s house before her parents arrive. When he meets up with Gack to try and sell more of the diluted crystal meth, they run into trouble. Someone tries to rob them and Nic wonders, “What the fuck is happening to us? […] Doors are closing” (99). Gack confirms that their unhappy customer spread the word about their defective drugs and that people no longer want to buy from them. Nic has to talk Gack out of beating up the unhappy customer. Nic convinces Gack to go to Glide Memorial Church for dinner instead. Nic remembers volunteering at their soup kitchen when he was younger. Despite his shame and paranoia that he will be seen by someone who knows him, he notes that “[t]he food actually tastes great. I eat it all” (105). 

Nic says that “it’s been five days of basically nothing but shooting drugs, selling bags of crystal here and there, sleeping in my car—if at all” (109). Amid this, Nic prepares to meet with Lauren, her parents, and her therapist to discuss their future. He admits to Lauren that he is ready to get help, and she suggests that they indulge in one last binge. Nic refers to it as “one more run–blow it all out till the end” (118). The two stay at the San Remo Hotel and use for days. When all the drugs and money run out, they return to Lauren’s house. Nic wonders how much longer he can keep living like this, telling Gack that San Francisco will kill them and that he is thinking about getting clean. As he continues to unravel, he remembers the life he had before his relapse and writes that he “can’t even remember why [he] started using again in the first place” (117).

Nic and Lauren meet with her parents and therapist and agree to get clean. Her therapist suggests that rather than going to rehab, Nic and Lauren live together in a place where the therapist can keep an eye on them. Provided that they pass their drug tests, they can go to meetings, meet with him, work, and have their rent and food paid. Nic is eager to accept, thinking that “It sounds perfect, you know? I’ll be taken care of” (121). Lauren agrees but is less than thrilled. She becomes even angrier when her father asks Nic to give them some space for a few days. Eager to stay on his good side, Nic agrees and goes to say goodbye to Gack and “maybe get high one more time—just one more time” (122). He gets so high that he sneaks back into Lauren’s house. 

Nic becomes violently ill after his last high and even begins to pray: “I pray out loud to a God that I don’t even believe in” (125). He calls his father for help, but his father refuses, so he calls Spencer, his sponsor in Los Angeles. Spencer good-naturedly and light-humoredly convinces Nic to return home. He tells him that he has missed him and that he does not “have to prove anything anymore” (126). After saying goodbye to a hurt and angry Lauren, Nic uses the last bit of his money to buy a one-way ticket from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Spencer picks him up at the airport, telling him that they will go to a meeting right away the next day.