Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion

Tolentino begins by discussing the numerous weddings she and her boyfriend have attended in the past nine years, describing why they go and what their reactions are. Though she understands the appeal of marriage, she does not want to be married, but this provokes emotional reactions from people. It bothers her partner, Andrew, less. He is also not questioned about their relationship as often. Tolentino includes a lengthy discussion with him in which she begins to extoll her arguments against getting married.

Tolentino then enumerates the many preparations a bride usually makes for the wedding, eventually adding up to around $30,000 for a 12-hour event. She then questions the "traditional" nature of this, as historically, weddings were private ceremonies conducted at home without special dresses for the occasion. She then traces the historical rise of the wedding industry. When Queen Victoria got married in white in 1840, the industry was quick to create new "traditions." This included an increasing focus on the bride in the early 20th century, as well as consumer activities from the creation of the wedding registry in 1924 to buying a diamond engagement ring after World War II. Tolentino also sees a shift in women's life stories from "single to married" to "from ordinary woman to bride and wife" (270) through consumption. She then explains trends in weddings since the 1950s and how they align with consumer culture. Now, in line with reality TV and social media, she writes, the expense and performativity has increased even more.

Tolentino describes her mixed feelings about weddings, She became obsessed with an issue of Martha Stewart Weddings magazine when in the Peace Corps, separated from her boyfriend. When she returned, however, his family financially supported the couple, which made her wary of taking on a subordinate role in their relationship. Today, she writes, they don't participate in rituals of their own, as she has a distaste for them. She gives several examples of the cultural push on behalf of the wedding industry, such as the films 27 Dresses and Bride Wars, stating that we have been "broken by the cultural psychosis that tells women to cram a lifetime’s supply of open self-interest into a single, incredibly expensive day" (281). This is despite the fact that generally, marriage harms women but helps men.

Tolentino then considers how the 2015 legalization of same-sex marriages has affected the institution, seeing a possible model for straight marriages. In this model, a wedding is not positioned as the start of a partnership, but rather as an affirmation of it. This would reflect various social truths, such as later marriages, assumed premarital sex, and other shifts. In doing so, it would provide a very different narrative than the current one in which a man is dragged to the altar, when the reality is that getting married helps his mental and physical health but harms a woman's, while also setting her up to achieve less in her career.

Tolentino also considers the common change in a woman's last name, citing several literary characters who are uncomfortable with it. She writes about the history of women keeping their names, which was unusual until the 1970s and not legal until 1975. However, she notes that fewer than 20% of married women keep their maiden names today. One author, Katie Roiphe, has argued that this is for matters of convenience and a lack of need. Again, Tolentino sees a solution in the model of same-sex marriage, where domestic labor is also often divided more fairly.

Tolentino questions whether straight women would still want marriage as much if it didn't come with a wedding where they could play the starring role. This leads to the cultural production of two women: the horrible bride, and the woman who disappears when her name changes. Nevertheless, the cultural fantasy around it remains tempting. Tolentino references the wedding scene from the Anne of Green Gables books, in which the heroine is silent, and her partner narrates the actions. This reminds Tolentino that she wants independence, but not to be alone. She wonders if her mixed feelings are simpler than thinks: She doesn't want erasure, she wants constant attention. She's unsure whether she can trust her own feelings on this and questions whether what she dreads is actually herself.