The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2003

A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.

Download PDF

Summary

Background

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Preface-Chapter 2

Chapters 3-5

Chapters 6-8

Chapters 9-11

Key Figures

Themes

Index of Terms

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Tools

Beta

Discussion Questions

Chapters 9-11Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Chapter 9 Summary: “Healing Male Spirit”

In patriarchal culture, men are not offered the space to share or express their emotions. hooks recalls seeing a preacher emoting his love for his god while other men on the stage looked away, ashamed of the show of feeling. However, women are also blamed for perpetuating the idea that men are without sentiment. hooks explains that this blame—although it is justified—fails to present a full picture of the ways that patriarchy affects everyone. Women who were hurt by men project that pain onto their sons; in fact, women who live in societies with a greater focus on male dominance are more likely to abuse their male children. Some mothers stifle their sons’ emotions out of fear that their children will be unprepared for a patriarchal culture that rejects displays of feelings by men.

In turn, men direct anger at women for failing to intervene during their childhood. Mothers watch as their husbands emotionally, verbally, and physically abuse their sons, believing that it is the husband’s right and duty to enact discipline and domination. In turn, their sons resent them for their silence and failure to act. To fit into society, these men suppress their identities and emotions, further contributing to their negative self-esteem. This pattern of false identity disconnects men from community. Yet men remain silent, feeling that they must assimilate. This silence presents a false front that everything is fine, and there is no need for change. Violence and aggression emerge from the deeply rooted understanding that these men are living a lie. hooks points out that men are not dominating from the position of the oppressor, but from that of the victim.

The violence and domination of men make it difficult for feminist women to embrace the need for a male-focused approach to feminism. As a teacher, hooks felt frustrated by the lack of male-focused feminist literature when her male students sought book recommendations as they embarked on their own journey of dismantling patriarchy in their personal lives. Furthermore, mass media offer few examples of men acting out lifestyles that present an alternative to the patriarchal norm. hooks offers The Color Purple, a book that is lauded for its female protagonist’s feminist actions, as an example of a male character’s shifting away from his patriarchal identity. The first step toward healing is an acknowledgment of male pain, and women must be willing to listen to these expressions of men’s emotional suffering. Yet women, too, tend to dismiss men who want to talk through their internal experience.

Vulnerability is necessary for connection and intimacy. Many men never experience this because they aren’t made to feel comfortable with being exposed and open. Women who are fearful and distrustful of men also put up a wall and close themselves off from true intimacy with their male partners. Shame becomes a tool that patriarchal culture uses to suppress emotions in men. Because vulnerability is a necessary component for achieving self-awareness, many men are excluded from this enriching quality. A failure to care for themselves and to acknowledge their emotions leaves them feeling that their lives and their souls are not important.

Chapter 10 Summary: “Reclaiming Male Integrity”

Patriarchy denies men the opportunity to feel whole. hooks argues that reclaiming male integrity can offer healing. Boys learn at an early age that they must wear a mask and hide their true selves. Society rewards their self-denial. hooks admonishes the contemporary feminist movement for making space for women to pursue their self-identity without the constraints of patriarchal thinking but never extending the same opportunity to men. As men compartmentalize their feelings and their different versions of self, they can begin to struggle with their mental health.

hooks argues that this denial of self goes even further. It excludes men from loving and feeling loved. Because they are not able to be fully intimate with their truest self, they can never fully trust others or themselves. hooks calls the denial of one’s vulnerability a form of “soul murder” (155). Conversely, integrity focuses on wholeness. While patriarchal culture lauds compartmentalization to avoid engaging with one’s emotions, integrity emphasizes embracing all parts of the self. However, this does not mean integrity is easy, especially not in the shadows of patriarchy.

Integrity is essential for the development of healthy self-esteem. This is one reason why so many men have low self-esteem: They are made to feel shameful about their true nature. The need that men feel to lie about their vulnerability is rooted in the false notion that they are doing so to protect others. Furthermore, men are led to believe that this deception endows them with more power. A lack of wholeness and a faint-but-familiar beacon that shows them who they could be contribute to male depression and addiction. Work addiction provides another opportunity for escapism while leaving men feeling frustrated by their own imperfection and powerlessness.

Before feminism, men were able to operate this way with little critique. As feminism placed more pressure on men to connect emotionally, many of them entered into periods of denial and depression. hooks compares this experience to grief. Some men reach a stage of anger from which they never emerge. A patriarchal culture that denies men the skills needed to process their emotions and a feminist movement that demands emotional expressiveness left men in a limbo of depression, rage, and grief. While young girls are taught how to grieve as they emerge into adulthood, boys are taught to suppress their feelings. In order to grow, men must learn how to mourn.

hooks offers an alternative to long-standing patriarchal oppression. Fathers, men, and boys must seek integrity by pursuing emotional wholeness. This requires that they pursue self-awareness and an understanding of their own limitations and mistakes, in addition to accepting responsibility for one’s values and applying self-criticism. Integrity also includes recognizing that the patriarchal belief that men must always be in control is an impossible and problematic standard.

Chapter 11 Summary: “Loving Men”

hooks opens the chapter by characterizing her father as “the stranger in the house” (169). As a girl, she saw him as the enactor of justice, the protector, and a mystery. She points out the paradox that many people feel that patriarchal values are necessary so that men are ready for war, but a rejection of these models would eliminate the need for such overt violence. The warrior ethic is damaging to men. The need for predation belonged to humans when stronger animals posed a greater threat; now that humans no longer have natural-born predators, the label of “warrior” is cultural only and typically applied only to men.

hooks argues that the only way to end dominator culture on a global level is by ending it in the home. She outlines an alternative to patriarchy in which families are forms of resistance. Boys must be provided with a different experience than the one they are offered now, which emphasizes violence and aggression. This alternative must, instead, emphasize love and connection. In place of children’s games that reenact war and death, boys need forms of play that “celebrate life and wholeness” (174). However, for boys to receive this alternative upbringing, men must be willing to embark on a journey of healing. This begins by examining childhood and the ways that patriarchal masculinity inflicts damage. Emotional awareness leads men to love.

Women who love men feel hurt by their partners’ incapacity to reciprocate. Even antifeminist women wish their husbands were more emotionally available. hooks identifies what women seek as mutuality. This idea differs from equality because it embraces connection. Domination makes it impossible for love to exist, but hooks suggests that by offering real love that is predicated upon trust, respect, and commitment, men may feel the freedom they need to change. However, this transformation can come only through intention and awareness. Men must become conscious of patriarchal culture and its effects upon them. Male healing means reclaiming identity and integrity in all aspects of the self—including sex. In order to change, men must embrace the pain along with the joy and liberation that come from rejecting patriarchy. Women, too, must commit to dismantling patriarchal structures and to offering love to men.

Chapters 9-11 Analysis

Men are also victims of patriarchy. This is what hooks wants everyone to understand. She recognizes and affirms that “man-hating” feminism is a product of the pain and fear that patriarchal violence and disconnectedness cause. Yet hooks also believes that loving and feeling loved are the only real ways to heal. As she presents her alternative, Partnership Model and Feminist Masculinity, she emphasizes love. hooks presents a solution that starts in the home. She recognizes the explosive cycle of abuse, which leaves shrapnel in everyone involved.

Patriarchal culture insists that men live a lie. Starting at an early age, they must wear a mask that conceals their identity and their feelings. hooks argues that the rage they feel is a direct result of living out this lie. A male approach to feminism means taking that mask off and acknowledging the pain. She advocates for emotional wholeness, as she boldly claims that patriarchal culture is “soul murder” (155). hooks also shows in this section how the cycle of abuse functions: As mothers fear fathers, they direct their anger, frustration, and need for control to their sons, who grow to resent their mothers. They feel rage for their mothers’ lack of interference when their fathers were abusive and for their mothers’ own exertions of power. In turn, these sons grow into men who abuse others.

hooks concludes by returning to a discussion of her father, about whom she shares stories at the beginning of the book. Everyone in her family respected, admired, and feared him. hooks argues later that love and fear cannot coexist. The father of her childhood was not a father that she loved, nor was he a father who loved her. When they both grew older, she was able to see him in a different light and set aside her fear. She describes the father of her childhood as a stranger. This is what patriarchy does: It isolates and disconnects men from everyone around them. This is one of the most harmful Impacts of Patriarchal Culture on Men. By denying their emotions, they never connect fully with love of others or love for themselves. Their own fear of not being masculine enough or strong enough renders them unable to love their own identities, because love and fear are not synchronous.

Allowing men to acknowledge their pain and giving them opportunities to be vulnerable are the first steps for dismantling patriarchy. hooks reiterates that self-awareness is something that all people need and is the only way for humans to move forward in a positive way. Self-awareness is predicated upon self-critique, an understanding of one’s own identity and placement within a culture. It also requires a dedication to reflection and vulnerability. hooks boldly asserts that feminism does not do a good job of including men in the feminist journey of cultural and personal healing. It places an emphasis upon equality that attempts to promote women to a higher status without challenging the need for status itself.