The Surrender Experiment

Singer recounts a pivotal moment during the winter of 1970, when he becomes aware of the constant voice in his head while sitting on his couch with a friend, Ronnie. This subtle shift in awareness—realizing he could observe his thoughts and emotions—changes his life profoundly. He begins to notice his mind’s incessant chatter, which led him to yearn for inner silence. Seeking relief, Singer withdraws from social activities, spending time in the woods, trying to quiet the voice in his head. This experience becomes the foundation for his journey into surrendering control over his life.

Singer delves deeper into his growing awareness of the constant inner voice that comments on everything he experiences. Fascinated and frustrated by this voice, he begins the process of questioning its purpose and wondering who is truly observing it. Driven by a desire to understand this internal dialogue, Singer shifts his focus to studying psychology and introspection. He becomes increasingly aware of how much this voice is tied to his fears, insecurities, and desire for approval. Despite being overwhelmed by the mind’s chatter, he remains determined to quiet it and explore the nature of self-awareness.

Singer recounts his introduction to Zen Buddhism through the book Three Pillars of Zen, which provides him with a method to quiet the incessant voice in his head—meditation. Fascinated by the teachings, he started practicing Zen meditation daily, focusing on his breath and the sound “Mu” to redirect his awareness. On a camping trip in Ocala National Forest Singer meditates under a tree and experiences a life-altering spiritual awakening, marking a profound shift in his inner journey.

Singer dives deeper into the life-altering meditation experience during his camping trip. Sitting in the full-lotus posture, he focuses on his breath and the mantra “Mu,” experiencing an intense flow of energy in his abdomen. Despite physical pain, he repeatedly pushes deeper into meditation. A powerful inner voice challenges him to go beyond his self-awareness, leading him to states of peace and silence. Singer describes entering a space of absolute stillness, where the constant mental chatter disappears, leaving only awareness. This transformative state of tranquility and grace lasts for weeks, profoundly affecting his movements and perceptions.

The deep peace Singer experiences during meditation begins to fade as personal thoughts and emotions return. Despite his attempts to maintain inner stillness, life changes—including his wife Shelly’s decision to leave their marriage—disrupt his peace. The emotional turmoil of his broken heart intensified his meditation practice, where he sought refuge from the pain. Singer describes his struggle with his personal identity, “Mickey,” whose existence and mental chatter held him back from spiritual growth. Determined to let go of this self, Singer increasingly embraced solitude and meditation in his quest for inner peace.

Singer shares the signs that lead him to travel for a summer of meditation and solitude. In rural Mexico, he spent weeks deepening his spiritual practice. A simple act of kindness from a local boy delivering milk to him impacts Singer, helping him realize that life unfolds naturally when we follow its flow. This experience marks a turning point where Singer begins to trust life’s guidance, seeing these moments as gifts rather than random events.

Singer recounts how, while meditating in rural Mexico, he initially panics when he hears voices and horses approaching, fearing they might be bandits. Determined not to let fear control him, he continues his yoga and meditation. When he finally opens his eyes, he finds two friendly ranch hands who offer him a ride back to his van. The following day, Singer visits their village, marvelling at the simplicity of their adobe huts and feeling a deep connection with the people. He describes the joy he experiences in sharing his food, realizing that “something very special had followed” when he let go of his fears and allowed life to unfold naturally (34). 

When he returns from Mexico, Singer’s grades suffer and he realizes his academic career is faltering. Following the advice of his economics professor, Singer focuses on his final paper, despite feeling unmotivated to do research. One night, after meditating, he experiences a sudden flash of inspiration, guiding him to write a 30-page paper filled with logical arguments, graphs, and facts. To his surprise, he earns an A in the class, leading him to wonder if accessing this creative state consistently was possible and planting the seed for a lifelong exploration of constant inspiration.

Singer describes his deepening desire for solitude and meditation, driven by an unrelenting flow of energy between his eyebrows and a burning in his heart to explore further. He considers leaving everything behind to live in isolation. One day as he fills up his van, a gas station attendant mentions five-acre lots for sale in a peaceful area north of Gainesville. Intrigued, Singer visits and discovers a perfect, secluded spot that feels like home to him. With money from his college fund, he negotiates the purchase of two lots. Instead of experiencing joy, he feels resolute, ready to fully commit to his spiritual journey.

Singer describes building a meditation hut on his land with two friends, Bob Gould and Bobby Altman. Initially envisioning a simple structure, Singer feels surprised when Bobby designs an elaborate, wedge-shaped house with a large glass front. Despite their inexperience, the three friends tackle the challenge, sourcing lumber from a local sawmill and learning new skills, such as electrical wiring. The project becomes a transformative experience, filled with unexpected connections, like their friendship with the Griffis family. Once the house is complete, Singer feels ready to begin his long-anticipated journey of solitude and deeper meditation.

Singer moves into his newly built house, which he sees as a monastery dedicated to his meditation practice. After his sister and brother-in-law visit, he fully embraces a monastic lifestyle, waking at 3:00 a.m. to meditate, do yoga, and walk contemplatively. His intense focus on Zen meditation and self-discipline leads him to restrict food, eating only every other day, believing that fasting will enhance his meditative state. However, he later realizes that his ego hasn’t disappeared—it’s only resigned to the discipline—and his approach is flawed.

Singer reflects on receiving Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda from his friend Bob, which profoundly impacts his spiritual journey. Initially struggling with Yogananda's use of words like “God” and “Spirit,” Singer begins to relate them to his own experiences of inner peace and energy flow during meditation. Yogananda's teachings resonate deeply with Singer, making him realize that his journey isn’t just about quieting the mind but also finding his spiritual self. He embraces the lessons from Self-Realization Fellowship, an organization founded by Yogananda in 1920, placing Yogananda and Christ’s images on his meditation altar in an acknowledgment of his need for spiritual guidance.