The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2022

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The Power of Regret

Daniel H. Pink’s The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward highlights regret as a negative emotion that people should embrace. Pink subverts the popular adage “No regrets” by emphasizing the power of regret to improve lives. When people fail to consider and learn from their regrets, they are more likely to repeat bad decisions, which compound throughout their lives. Pink points out that experiencing regret can decrease the likelihood of repeating mistakes. In this sense, regret improves our decision-making. For example, if we make a poor decision and experience regret, we know to avoid the same decision in the future. By considering our regrets, we are more likely to slow down and think about how to make better decisions going forward. Likewise, Pink states that regret can “boost performance” (45). Because If Only counterfactuals (how things could be better) cause people to feel bad, they motivate people to adjust their strategy, try harder, or both.

Regret not only sharpens decision-making and boosts performance but “deepen[s] meaning” (47). A 2010 study concluded that “[c]ounterfactual reflection endows both major life experiences and relationships with greater meaning” (97). Other studies have shown that counterfactual thinking adds more meaning to specific events in people’s lives than would be gained from thinking about the events alone: “The indirect paths of If Only and At Least offered a faster route to meaning than the direct path of pondering meaning itself” (97).

By facing regret, we may realize that regretful decisions have a significant (not entirely negative) impact on our lives. For example, while one may regret marrying an ex-spouse, they may realize they still appreciate the children born of the marriage or the life lessons learned. The person may also realize that being with their ex-spouse for as long as they did was necessary for them to meet their new partner and achieve the level of happiness they have now. Finding meaning in our regrets involves recognizing the causal relationship between decisions and their part in a larger framework of meaning. Finding meaning despite our regrets helps us achieve more satisfaction despite life’s inevitable imperfections. Like the Japanese art of kintsugi, our lives are composed of cracks that come together in a beautiful, meaningful, and unique way. Without regret—without the ability to think counterfactually about our experiences—we would be unaware of life’s highs. Overall, regret is a sign of caring enough about something or someone to make it a part of one’s life, even if temporary or tragic.

The “Deep Structure” of Regret

Pink highlights not only The Power of Regret to improve oneself but also its universality as a human emotion with deeper ties to the drive to survive and thrive. Human brains are wired for regret, and experiments related to brain damage corroborate that the absence of regret is a sign of illness. Pink emphasizes that there is a biological reason for this unsavory emotion: Not only do regrets help people survive, but they also reveal human needs and values.

Pink illustrates this by comparing the four core regrets to language. He describes Noam Chomsky’s 1957 book Syntactic Structures, which argues that language is built upon a “deep structure,” or “rules lodged in the human brain” (75). Chomsky argues that while languages differ in “surface structure,” they share the same deep structure that correlates to the way human brains are wired. Pink suggests that the ability to feel regret, too, is an innate human quality connected to human needs. Foundation regrets reveal the need for stability; boldness regrets are related to personal growth; moral regrets reflect the need to do good; and connection regrets reveal the need for love.

By pointing out the deep structure of regret, Pink emphasizes that human brains are wired for regret due to being wired for survival. In the same sense that If Only counterfactuals (how things could be better) are more common and more conducive to survival than At Least counterfactuals (how things could be worse), regret is universal because it, too, is conducive to survival. Our brains are wired to learn from our experiences through reason and avoid negative outcomes whenever possible.

Pink suggests that deepening our understanding of regret can foster self-compassion and empathy. By pointing out that regret is one of the most common emotions, he reminds us that we are not alone. Likewise, by recognizing regret as not only universal but a natural and healthy human quality, we can feel less upset about our regrets and more apt to use them to improve our lives. By explaining concepts such as pluralistic ignorance (the assumption that our beliefs differ vastly from everyone else’s) and fundamental attribution error (aligning someone’s behavior with their disposition), Pink emphasizes human tendencies that compound regret. Understanding pluralistic ignorance helps us understand that we are not alone, thus allowing us to reach out and establish connections we would otherwise avoid out of uncertainty. Understanding fundamental attribution error (or, more specifically, Pink’s framing of foundation attribution error, judging someone’s behavior despite it potentially being grounded in context beyond their control) encourages compassion and understanding the context behind decision-making. By being conscious of these issues, we are less likely to ruminate and feel self-conscious about regret.

Balance and Levelheadedness

Throughout the book, Pink prescribes a balanced approach to coping with regret. He emphasizes the importance of being conscious of regrets and approaching them with objectivity. He points out that one should understand the consequences of the adage “No regrets” and, likewise, resist ruminating on regrets. Pink advises against the view that “Feeling is for ignoring” (51), which precludes us from learning and ultimately benefiting from mistakes. When a person abandons regrets entirely (or claims to), they resist conscious consideration of these regrets. Without conscious consideration, it is impossible to reap the benefits of regrets such as improved decision-making, improved performance, and overall fulfillment.

Pink’s second view is “Feeling is for feeling” (52), which suggests we should trust our feelings because they are “the one real truth” (53). Pink states, “Excessive regret is linked to an array of mental health problems—most prominently depression and anxiety, but also post-traumatic stress disorder” (53). In this sense, he underscores the consequences of overidentifying with regrets. Because ruminating on regrets can lead to despair, it is important to establish a safe distance from regrets. To maintain a balanced mindset when grappling with regret, Pink advises that we frame regrets not as a “judgment of our underlying character” but rather an “evaluation of a particular behavior in a particular situation” (53). While acknowledging regrets, one should think of them as tools rather than facets of their identity.

Rather than living by either extreme (ignoring or feeling feelings to an excessive degree), Pink recommends a third, more balanced view: “Feeling is for thinking” (53). This view involves confronting emotions rather than avoiding or wallowing in them. By thinking about regret, one can improve future behavior. To think objectively about regret, Pink recommends self-disclosure, self-compassion, and self-distancing. The three practices involve removing oneself from a decision and its corresponding regret, allowing one to view the regret from a safe distance. Self-disclosure involves talking or writing about a regret for the sake of catharsis and objectivity; self-compassion involves considering a decision and its corresponding regret in contexts outside of the self, to utilize our compassion for others in similar situations; and self-distancing involves divorcing oneself from an experience by talking about it in the third person, or as a neutral observer, to understand the big picture. These three practices can help cultivate the balanced, levelheaded mindset necessary to leverage our regrets for self-betterment.

Pink reinforces the importance of a balanced mindset through Jeff Bezos’s Regret Minimization Framework. The framework involves anticipating future regrets and making decisions to avoid them—however, it can be taken to unreasonable extremes that preclude us from making sound decisions, or from making decisions altogether. Instead, Pink suggests that rather than avoiding regret (Regret Minimization Framework), one should optimize existing regrets (Regret Optimization Framework). If a potential regret does not adhere to one of the four core regrets (foundation, boldness, moral, or connection), one should not allow it to stymie their decision-making; they should instead focus on decisions that truly matter. Moreover, Pink advises that we “satisfice” (pursue acceptable standards) rather than “maximize” (pursue ideal standards). When we maximize, we become hypersensitive to regret, rather than living life authentically with its natural highs and lows.