The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward

Cheryl Johnson (from Part 2, Chapter 10), the woman who regrets letting her friendship drift, uses her regret to improve her future. Pink states that by “[f]ollowing a straightforward three-step process, we can disclose the regret, reframe the way we view it and ourselves, and extract a lesson from the experience to remake our subsequent decisions” (167). A 2012 study by psychologists Jason Mitchell and Diana Tamir found that humans value talking about themselves. Pink believes the “first step” in addressing regrets, whether regrets of action or inaction, is self-disclosure. This can be achieved through disclosing our thoughts, feelings, and actions through spoken communication with another person, or through writing. Whether language is spoken or written, it enables us to “organize and integrate our thoughts” (169). Self-disclosure converts emotions into cognition; rather than remaining uncontrollable, unpleasant feelings, these regrets can turn into something capable of being analyzed, which can then turn into positive actions. Pink also touts the physical, mental, and professional benefits of self-disclosure, such as reduced blood pressure, higher grades, and better coping skills.

Once one exposes their regret, they are faced with two possibilities: self-criticism and self-esteem. Although self-criticism can help us correct behavior, it can lead to hopelessness when it is not “carefully managed and contained” (172). On the other hand, although self-esteem can “lift performance and lessen depression and anxiety,” it can also “foster narcissism, diminish empathy, and stoke aggression” (172). Instead of self-criticism or self-esteem, Pink prescribes what Texas psychologist Kristin Neff refers to as self-compassion. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves as we would someone else struggling with the same regret. It involves replacing judgment with kindness. It does not ignore mistakes, instead recognizing that “being imperfect, making mistakes, and encountering life difficulties is part of the shared human experience” (172).

In 2016, psychologists Serena Chen and Jia Wei Zhang explored the effect of self-compassion in helping people overcome and learn from their regrets. The study found that those who employed self-compassion in framing regret were more likely to change their behavior than those who employed self-esteem. Pink suggests that, when thinking about regrets, people should consider whether they would treat a family member or friend with the same regret with kindness or contempt. He also suggests that one acknowledge the universality of regret, the fact that many others have probably felt the same way. Lastly, Pink suggests that people consider whether or not the regret truly defines their life.

Pink conveys the benefits of “self-distancing,” or speaking about the self in the third person, as an effective strategy for coping with regret (176). This strategy prevents us from becoming too immersed in our emotions; we behold our situation as a detached observer. Pink suggests that after employing self-disclosure and self-compassion, self-distancing helps one “analyze and strategize—to examine the regret dispassionately without shame or rancor and to extract from it a lesson that can guide your future behavior” (178). Another strategy for self-distancing is considering how one might feel about a negative situation in 10 years, thereby creating temporal distance between the self and the regret.

Pink provides a list of other activities that can help people move on from regret. By starting a regret circle, a “book club” for regrets, group members can share and work through their regrets, thereby making other group members aware of them and more likely to adopt better behaviors. By creating a “failure résumé,” one can create a safe distance between the self and their regrets, thereby helping one see their regrets holistically and recognize patterns. Pink suggests studying self-compassion by creating a short list of regrets experienced in a year, which can then turn into resolutions for the new year. He also suggests imagining positive events as if they never occurred, as doing so “deepens gratitude” and casts regrets “in a new light” (184). He brings up the World Regret Survey, suggesting that readers participate to establish distance from a regret and put it in perspective with other regrets. Lastly, Pink advises we adopt a “journey mindset” to ensure that we continue positive behaviors going forward, rather than simply stopping when we reach a certain goal (185).

In 1888, Alfred Nobel felt as though he was reading his own obituary in the newspaper, because a French journalist had mistaken his deceased brother Ludvig for him. Ludvig Nobel was the “ingenious chemist and accomplished inventor” who created dynamite (189). The obituary, however, was not laudatory, instead “describ[ing] a contaminated soul with a shameful legacy—a greedy and amoral man who became fabulously wealthy by selling people tools for obliterating each other” (189). Because Alfred anticipated regret by reading about a relative who left a legacy colored by shame, he established a set of prizes for those who, during the previous year, had “conferred the greatest benefit on mankind,” which became known as Nobel Prizes (189). He predicted what he might regret in the future and acted in a way to prevent the regret from occurring.

Pink states that anticipating regret helps us hone our judgment. In situations in which a person is uncertain what to do, they should consider whether or not they will regret a certain action in the future. Likewise, people can mimic Alfred Nobel’s anticipation by drafting one’s own obituary to anticipate future regrets. Pink links anticipation of regret to former president and CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos’s Regret Minimization Framework, through which he anticipated the regret he might experience if he didn’t participate in the early internet. Although Bezos had to take a risk and leave his high-paying job at the time, he weighed his regret and went on to be successful.

Although Pink touts anticipation of regret as a means of avoiding it, he also notes the downside of anticipation. Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University conducted a study to determine whether participants would suffer greater regret from missing a train by one minute or five minutes. Pink states that one issue with anticipating regret is people fail to “[predict] the intensity and duration of our emotions” (195). He also states that anticipating regret can “cloud our decisions” (195), thereby hindering us from making optimal decisions, as we constantly favor the one that will protect us from regret. If people are so fixated on anticipating regret, they may even avoid making decisions altogether due to fear of making the wrong decision.

Furthermore, anticipating regret can distort our judgment. Regarding standardized tests, most college professors advise that test takers go with their first instinct and not second-guess themselves. However, studies conducted on the topic have shown that students are more likely to change their answer from a wrong answer to the right answer rather than the opposite. Yet, in a study conducted in 2005 by Justin Kruger, Dale Miller, and Derrick Wirtz, when asked what they would anticipate regretting more—changing an answer when they shouldn’t have or sticking with an answer when they should have changed it—74 percent of participants anticipated more regret from switching answers. Kruger, Miller, and Wirtz call this phenomenon the “first instinct fallacy” (199). They concluded that getting a problem wrong after going against one’s instinct is more memorable than getting a problem wrong because of failure to question one’s instinct. Pink concludes that although anticipating regret can improve people’s lives, it can also obstruct decision-making and risk-taking and make people erroneously believe their first instincts are more likely to be right.

Social scientist Herbert Simon came up with two decision-making approaches: maximizing and “satisficing” (201). In 2001, a study led by social scientists Barry Schwartz and Andrew Ward developed a personality scale that measured people’s propensity to maximize or satisfice. Maximizers pursued ideal standards, while satisficers opted for what was acceptable. Schwartz and Ward found that most maximizers were unsatisfied and more sensitive to regret; maximizers always imagined the possibility of something better if only they had acted differently. Pink concludes that the problem with Jeff Bezos’s Regret Minimization Framework is that “constantly trying to anticipate and minimize regret can become a form of unhealthy maximizing” (201).

To gain the benefits of anticipating regret without falling victim to potential consequences, Pink suggests we “focus our aspirations” (202). Rather than minimizing regret, people should optimize it. Pink’s antithesis to Jeff Bezos’s Regret Minimization Framework is the Regret Optimization Framework, built on four principles. The first principle is that anticipating regret can lead to “healthier behavior, smarter professional choices, and greater happiness” (202). The second is that when we anticipate regrets, we may overestimate them, thereby distorting our decisions. The third is that fixating on regret minimization can “make our situation even worse” (202). The fourth and final principle is that the four core regrets (foundation, boldness, moral, and connection regrets) “reveal fundamental human needs” and “offer a path to the good life” (202). Pink suggests that we should consider if a potential regret is one of the four core regrets. If it is not, the decision we make doesn’t truly matter because it does not correlate to a fundamental human need (such as buying lawn furniture). On the other hand, if a decision does involve one of the four core regrets, we should anticipate the future, whether it be five years down the road or decades.

Pink posed the following question as part of the American Regret Project: Do the participants believe they have free will, or do they believe their lives have unfolded as part of a larger plan beyond their control? Eighty-two percent of participants answered “Yes” to the first part of the question, and 18 percent answered “Yes” to the second part. Because of this, Pink suggests that regret depends on storytelling, on humans’ roles as both playwrights and performers in “liv[ing] at the intersection of free will and circumstance” (208). He then makes the distinction between “contamination narratives” and “redemption narratives,” highlighting that “[r]egret offers us the ultimate redemption narrative” (208). By optimizing regret, people can craft their own redemption narratives.