The Love of My Afterlife

“I very rarely travel outside of Bayswater—why would I when it has everything I need?—but when I do, I always prefer to walk, preferably with my headphones on full blast so that no-one can talk to me. If they do, I can just pretend I didn’t hear them, because headphones.”

This quote highlights the extreme lengths to which Delphie goes in order to avoid other people and keep herself safe. Her lack of interest in traveling anywhere beyond her neighborhood shows how stagnant her life has become. She tries to cover up this issue with the excuses detailed in this passage, but the truth of the matter is that Delphie is afraid to take risks in life.

“Mum treated home life like a project, giving it her all in an effort to make it a total success. After Dad broke her heart, it’s like she suddenly saw the whole project as a failure. Not just the marriage, but her entire life, including me.”

The dejected tone of this passage provides insight into Delphie’s past and illuminates her ongoing issues with abandonment. Just as she lost her former best friend, Gen, Delphie essentially lost both of her parents when they divorced, and she was left behind to fend for herself. Eventually, when Delphie’s mother found a new “project,” she left the country entirely, leaving her daughter behind physically as well as emotionally.

“‘I work at Meyer’s Pharmacy as an assistant and I’m twenty-seven.’  

‘And?’ 

‘And… that’s it.’”

This is what Delphie tells Cooper when he asks to get to know her so that they can pretend to have been dating. Delphie cannot think of any meaningful qualities about herself, and this moment emphasizes just how stagnant and confined her life really is. Faced with this stark reality, Delphie starts to wonder about The Difference Between Living and Surviving.

“‘It was lovely to meet you, Delphie.’ 

‘I’ve loved meeting you too,’ I say, a flood of confusion swishing up my insides as I realise that I’m not just being polite. I’m telling the truth.”

This exchange between Delphie and Cooper’s mother, Amy, highlights Delphie’s mixed feelings about letting others into her life. Though Delphie tries to avoid other people at all costs, she cannot help but feel comfort around Amy, who temporarily fills the gap that Delphie’s own mother left after the divorce. Yet these feelings come as a surprise to Delphie, who previously viewed this whole night as no more than an act on her way to becoming part of Jonah’s life. By describing Delphie’s emotions as a hyperbolic “flood of confusion,” the author invokes vivid imagery to emphasize just how overwhelmed the protagonist feels in this mundane, non-threatening interaction.

“I wonder briefly what life would have looked like if I’d never stopped making art. Would I still be in this situation? I push the thought away.”

Delphie has this thought when she looks at the drawing she made in art class. Drawing was one of the things that she gave up after being bullied in high school, and this quote shows her deep connection to her innate yet long-neglected artistic talents. Even considering the thought of a changed relationship with art is painful for Delphie, and she decides it would be better to avoid the topic entirely and “push the thought away.”

“I can be angry. I’m always angry! I transform my face into a frown and fold my arms across my chest. I think of people who say, Wow. Just wow. I think of how terrible it is that Mr. Yoon has no family around him. I think of cleaning the cheese grater. I think of how awful secondary school was. I think of my mum never calling me back. I think of all my worst things, but to my dismay, instead of getting angry, a flood of tears journey to my eyes. I frantically sniff them away. I am ridiculous. I am fully ridiculous and this is never going to work! I should just leave, go home, and wait for Merritt. I should just accept my fate. It’s inevitable.”

Delphie thinks this to herself when the talent agent asks her to audition for the role of a person driven by their anger. Before this moment, Delphie had been pushing down her anger, yet here she is finally able to express it in order to release it. Additionally, the frantic tone and deliberate repetition in this quote show how vulnerable Delphie is at this moment, as her anger immediately leads to sadness and hopelessness and sends her thoughts into a desperate spiral.

“Amidst the panic there’s a small, strange feeling that maybe this was exactly how it was supposed to play out. That fate doesn’t want me to meet Jonah again in a park or a drawing class or a silent disco. It wants me to meet him somewhere grand and undeniably romantic. And what’s more romantic than an opulent ballroom?”

By personifying fate itself as a fickle, capricious being, Delphie relinquishes control of her own life. She has this reflection when she considers the prospect of meeting Jonah at the gala. Here she is unconsciously leaning into the tropes of the romance genre, playing out the dream that Merritt has engineered for her. This scene also draws attention to Merritt’s previously mentioned idea of fate and it is clear that Delphie is beginning to allow this idea to guide her life.

“‘I…I…’ I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘Thank you.’ I look at them each in turn. ‘You didn’t have to do this and… you just did? Without any conditions.’”

Delphie makes this comment to Leanne and Jan when they help her with her costume for the gala. She doesn’t comprehend how her relationship with these women can be anything other than transactional, as all of Delphie’s relationships are. Yet this moment shows her that Leanne and Jan really do just want to be friends with her, and friends would do something nice “without any conditions.”

“‘You have a way of cutting right to the meanest comment you could possibly make in any given situation.’ […]  

‘You know how when someone says something horrid to you and at the time you never have the appropriate comeback prepared? Like, you think of something withering in the middle of the night and then fixate on it, getting more and more annoyed at yourself for not saying it in the moment?’ 

  ‘Of course.’ 

  ‘Yeah, well, I spent the entirety of my high school career doing that, pretty much. And soon enough I cultivated the skill of actually being able to respond immediately when someone annoyed me. And you annoy me such a lot. It’s been good to get the field practice in.’”

This wry exchange between Cooper and Delphie shows just how much Delphie has thought about her high school trauma. Her experience with bullying has made her into a tougher person who believes that she must be mean to others in order to survive. Shortly after this interaction, she will finally recognize that being kind isn’t a weakness, and she will start treating Cooper much more kindly.

“Okay. I’ve made my decision. There’s no point in waiting any longer. I reach out my hands to take his, just like we did in Evermore. I frown as the spark that ignited my body the first time I touched him is absent. Then I look into his eyes, and my stomach dips as I realise they are not interested and a little horny like they were when we met in the waiting room, but flicking from left to right as if looking for help. I peer down at our hands and find that his are just hanging limply in mine. I drop them.”

In this passage, Delphie has trapped Jonah in the supply closet with her. This quote illustrates the two different viewpoints on this situation, revealing that Delphie never considered how Jonah would feel about the idea of kissing her. This scene also shows Delphie’s desperation, for she still believes that she must kiss Jonah even though she no longer feels the initial spark that drew her to him in Evermore.

“Which means not only have I lost the potential love of my life but I’m going to die again in three days. And while I never thought my life was particularly special, these past few days have turned everything I thought I knew on its head. Things have been stressful and weird and scary and overwhelming. Yet somehow, I’ve felt more alive than I ever thought possible.”

This quote comes after the gala when Delphie is finally beginning to realize what her last few days on Earth will mean for her. Only when her illusions about Jonah have been shattered does Delphie finally recognize that she has been enjoying her time back on Earth and wants to live. This moment highlights a major shift in her character, and her passion for life only continues to grow as the novel progresses.

“But then what would I be doing on my last three days alive if I weren’t in this situation? If I hadn’t been sent on this ridiculous mission by Merritt? I’d probably be at home in the flat I was born in. Staring at my latest sketchbook-and-pencils purchase, inventing any reason to avoid actually using them. […] I’d be seeing Mr. Yoon, of course. I’d go to work, probably still avoiding talking to Leanne and Jan beyond surface-level work bullshit. But mostly, I’d be on my own. Hiding. And my life would just roll on in a series of 'typical days,' just like on Merritt’s DVD. There’d probably not be many more worst moments. But there definitely wouldn’t be any best moments either. It hits me like a kick to the stomach. I’ve wasted it. I’ve wasted my life.”

In this pivotal moment of brutal honesty, Delphie recognizes just how much of her life she has wasted. This quote mirrors the way her life flashes before her eyes on Merritt’s DVD, yet it is more devastating to her now when she realizes how easily she could lose her life. By highlighting the change she undergoes after the gala, this quote shows the exact thought process behind Delphie’s growing wish to live her life more fully.

“A breeze rustles outside the window, bringing the scent of wet leaves and fresh, clean, post-rain air. I’m struck by how beautiful it smells—like open space and honeysuckle. I’ve never smelt anything like that before in London. They might have a Diptyque store at Evermore, but surely only Earth could smell like this. I take in a lungful of air and try to commit the exact scent to memory.”

Delphie thinks this as she lies in bed at the pub. As with the previous two quotes, this excerpt shows that she is finally beginning to realize that life is worth living. Here she specifically begins to understand the singularity of Earth and realizes that nothing in Evermore will compare to it. Faced with this idea, she once again laments having wasted so many moments of her life.

“In Twilight, Bella was literally in danger of her blood being guzzled not only by Edward but also by his whole family and his enemies too […] And she still found a way to make it work, because soulmates. And here you are giving it one in-person meeting that didn’t go the way you anticipated and then nothing? All done and dusted? Maybe you and Jonah are not instalove—more a slow burn like Josh and Lucy in The Hating Game? But there won’t be anything to slow burn if you don’t spark the initial flame.”

Merritt makes an allusion to Stephanie Meyer’s popular vampire-themed romance series, Twilight, when she is trying to get Delphie to continue pursuing Jonah. She references many of the tropes of contemporary romance in an attempt to urge Delphie to live her life fully and prioritize love above all else. This idea ties in with the frequent appearance of romance novels as a motif, given that Merritt uses their well-worn plot patterns to dictate what will happen to Delphie.

“I might not have much choice in how long I stay alive. But I do have some say in how much life I can pack into the days I have left. How much happiness I can experience. I have zero to lose now.”

Delphie thinks about this harsh reality once she has begun a relationship with Cooper, and her contemplations show just how much she has changed since the beginning of the novel. Instead of devising endless excuses to avoid engaging with the world, she now begins to prioritize her happiness above her comfort and everything else.

“What I’m saying is that tonight I saw those people singing ‘Happy Birthday,’ and I got it. Those guests, friends, family, whatever. They were witnesses to that guy’s life. The fact that they were there to see him change age—some arbitrary occasion—it marked it. It meant that it was remembered. That he will be remembered. Even when he’s gone. Because he had, you know, witnesses.”

Delphie makes this comment to Cooper after witnessing a group of people at a birthday party. This philosophical scene accelerates her interest in the theme of Celebrating Life and Appreciating Meaningful Moments and convinces her to throw a party for Mr. Yoon. Though she intends to honor Mr. Yoon’s life, it is clear that the same approach is just as applicable to everyone else, even herself, and the narrative implies that Delphie longs for her own life to be “witnessed” before she dies.

“Well, we are at the start of our relationship, so I don’t have it figured all the way out yet. Although I suspect you may have come into my life as my grumpy friend. The one I have to work hard to soften, but can never quite manage to. We’ve already made great progress—the first day I met you, you scowled the whole time. Today you have only scowled once! You will teach me the art of perseverance, I expect.”

Aled makes this observation to Delphie when she asks what kind of friend she is. Though Aled and Delphie are foils to one another, this quote emphasizes how their unlikely friendship has made both of them better people. This quote reveals how much Delphie has grown throughout the novel and also emphasizes how much Aled has taught her about friendship and accepting the love and support that others offer her.

“My last day on Earth. Everything that’s happening and everything that might happen floods into my brain: asking questions, second-guessing, wondering about alternatives. I swipe it all away. Today is my last day on Earth before I return to Evermore, according to the rules of a deal I chose to make. I have made my decision. And part of the decision was to be at peace with it because the truth is—there is no alternative. It’s all way too overwhelming to fully contemplate, and I’m scared that if I really, truly think about it, I will crumble.”

Delphie has these reflections as soon as she wakes up on what she believes will be her last day on Earth. Though she has tried to remain calm about her impending death, this quote shows how truly nervous she is. However, Delphie's ability to distract herself with other important things shows that she actually has something to live for now.

“I get dressed into the pale green dress again because it was expensive as hell and because the way the dress made me feel the other day has solidified the notion that I should have been wearing lovely dresses every single day while I had the chance—what the hell was I waiting for? Even if I was just lounging around the house in them, it would have made me feel at least a percentage better.”

This quote emphasizes the fact that Delphie has learned to enjoy what she can in life, even on her last day on Earth. The green dress that she wears to Mr. Yoon’s party and on her date with Cooper symbolizes just how much she has been avoiding, as she never found a chance to wear the dress before now. In the penultimate sentence, she even questions why she never wore it, especially now that she realizes that she doesn’t need a reason to just be happy.

“Whether you want him or not, surely it’s worth one last push before you just… give up? Kissing Jonah will save your life. It seems to me that you’re having too much fun to just leave it all behind… Come on, Delphie. Isn’t this all worth fighting for?”

In this scene, Merritt does her utmost to convince Delphie to make one last effort to find Jonah and fulfill the terms of her contract so that she can keep pursuing the new life she has built for herself over the last 10 days. Though Merritt has outwardly promoted Delphie’s pursuit of Jonah for the majority of the novel, here she realizes how happy Delphie has become in her own authentic life. This factor emphasizes the complexity of the choice that Delphie has to make when weighing whether to enjoy her last few moments of happiness or to spend those moments fighting for longevity.

“How am I supposed to leave this? This… life. Because what I was living ten days ago wasn’t a life at all. But this? This noise and laughter and mess and fear and… people. Friends. Possible love. I can’t lose this. There are people in this room who wouldn’t want to lose me either. I make a difference to them. I can’t leave. Evermore is too far away. I don’t want to die.”

This quote once again highlights the complexity of Delphie’s choice to fulfill her contract, but by now, she has recognized how important everything else in her life has become. Though Delphie has been avoiding death for the entirety of the novel, she finally admits that she doesn’t want to die specifically because she is so eager to live—now that she has a life worth living.

“‘Were you aware that emotional tears have a higher protein concentration than tears that come from irritation? […] [T]he higher protein content makes them fall down your cheeks more slowly—increasing the chance they’ll be seen by people and attract help. Your body is literally built for community. Tears literally attract people. So cry away!’ […] ‘I never wanted people, though. They make everything messy.’ ‘That’s a good thing, love. The thing about people is you have to let them drag you to places you don’t want to go. Let them tell you things you don’t want to hear. Let them break you and put you back together.’”

This exchange between Jan and Delphie occurs when Delphie is in the hospital and doesn’t know what to do with the rest of her life, especially now that she faces the prospect of losing Cooper forever. Though Delphie has tried to shield herself from her own feelings throughout the novel, here Jan explains that her feelings are what makes her human. This quote also emphasizes The Importance of Friendship and Community as Jan argues that human bodies are “literally built for community” and tries to convince Delphie to let others get close to her.

“‘I’ll miss you,’ I say. ‘No, you won’t […] You’ll be too busy having the time of your life with this loser.’ She tilts her head towards Cooper. ‘And when you’re not hanging out with him, you’re going to draw and paint and be there for your friends and have breakfast with Mr. Yoon, and go on adventures and marvel at the beauty of being alive. Which is exactly as it should be.’”

This last exchange between Delphie and Merritt emphasizes Merritt’s true intentions for sending Delphie back to Earth. Though she told Delphie that she sent her to Earth for a romance with Jonah, Merritt believed that this ruse would actually convince Delphie to finally start living her life. Merritt acknowledges that Delphie may not do anything grand with her life, but shows that all of the small moments of Delphie’s life will add up to something wonderful.