The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want

While delving into the significance of our thought patterns, Lyubomirsky introduces three happiness-enhancing activities. First, she emphasizes the importance of gratitude as a means to enhance happiness. This chapter debunks the myth that external circumstances alone determine happiness and emphasizes the role of one’s thoughts and attitudes, highlighting the theme of The Interplay of External Circumstances and Internal States in Determining Happiness. The chapter frames gratitude as a powerful tool for changing the way we think about our lives and thereby improving our happiness levels. Lyubomirsky lists eight ways in which gratitude contributes to happiness, including boosting self-esteem, helping individuals cope with stress and trauma, inhibiting negative emotions, and countering hedonic adaptation.

The second happiness activity outlined in this chapter is adopting an optimistic mindset to enhance overall well-being. This activity involves looking at the bright side, finding silver linings in challenging situations, and focusing on what’s right rather than dwelling on what’s wrong. This activity also includes giving oneself the benefit of the doubt, feeling positive about the future, and trusting one’s ability to overcome daily challenges. Lyubomirsky dispels common myths about optimism, clarifying that being optimistic doesn’t mean striving to believe one lives in a perfect world without complications. Instead, she distinguishes between “big optimism” (102), which refers to expecting a glorious future, and “little optimism” (102), which indicates having positive expectations in specific situations. She even notes the existence of “very small optimism” (102), or believing that one can get through the day, month, or year despite ups and downs.

Lyubomirsky also introduces the “Best Possible Selves” (104) exercise, where individuals visualize and write about their ideal future across various life domains. Research has shown that this exercise can lead to increased positive moods, happiness, and even better physical health, situating it among Lyubomirsky’s other Evidence-Based Strategies for Well-Being. Lyubomirsky asserts that optimistic thinking offers several advantages, including increased motivation to pursue goals, better coping with stress, and improved overall mental and physical well-being. She suggests various ways to practice optimism, such as keeping a Best Possible Selves diary, breaking long-term goals into sub goals, and identifying and challenging pessimistic thoughts.

Lyubomirsky then discusses the third happiness activity, which is about avoiding overthinking and social comparison. Contrary to common belief, overthinking (i.e., excessive rumination on one’s problems, feelings, and character) doesn’t lead to insight or solutions; instead, it often exacerbates negative emotions, impairs problem-solving abilities, and interferes with concentration and motivation. Moreover, overthinking tends to prompt a distorted and pessimistic perspective on one’s life. Social comparison, in which individuals assess themselves in comparison to others, can also be problematic. While comparison can sometimes be motivating or comforting, it more often lead to feelings of inferiority, guilt, and insecurity. To break free from overthinking, Lyubomirsky suggests strategies including distraction, self-interruption, setting aside specific time for rumination, talking to a trusted person, and writing down thoughts. She also advises taking action to solve real problems, identifying and avoiding overthinking triggers, and gaining a broader perspective on life by asking whether current concerns will matter in the long run or what lessons they can teach.

Lyubomirsky emphasizes the crucial role of social connections in overall well-being and happiness. She begins by highlighting that relationships are fundamental to human survival and that happy people tend to have better social connections. Two key happiness activities discussed are practicing acts of kindness and nurturing relationships.

Lyubomirsky delves into the science behind kindness, revealing that it not only benefits the recipients but also significantly enhances the happiness of those who practice it. She has conducted experiments that have demonstrated that committing acts of kindness over a concentrated period, rather than spread out, results in a more significant increase in happiness. The timing and frequency of kind acts matter. The chapter also explores the mechanisms through which kindness contributes to happiness. Acts of kindness relieve guilt, create a sense of awareness and appreciation, boost self-perception, and lead to positive social consequences, such as gratitude and increased social connections.

Lyubomirsky emphasizes that kindness can be practiced by anyone, does not require special talents, and can range from small, everyday gestures to larger acts. She suggests that individuals should choose kindness acts carefully, vary them, and aim for autonomy in their kindness efforts, referring back to the theme of Personal Agency in Happiness. However, she cautions that not all types of helping behavior lead to happiness, particularly when forced or unwanted. Lyubomirsky also touches on the idea that cultivating kindness and compassion may contribute more to lasting happiness than pursuing wealth or material success, citing examples of influential figures like Bill Gates and Sherry Lansing, who have turned to philanthropy and charitable acts as a source of fulfillment and happiness.

Happiness Activity No. 5 emphasizes the critical role of social connections in our pursuit of happiness. Research shows that happy people are more likely to be married and have fulfilling, long-lasting marriages. The relationship between happiness and social bonds is bidirectional, meaning that our well-being is influenced by the quality of our relationships, and in turn, our happiness affects our relationships. Lyubomirsky discusses why social connections are vital for well-being, drawing on evolutionary psychology and research. Humans have a deep-seated need to belong and maintain positive interpersonal relationships, which has evolutionary roots in our survival and reproduction.

Lyubomirsky shares strategies for investing in relationships, particularly in the context of romantic partnerships. She cites the work of marriage researcher John Gottman, highlighting the importance of spending quality time together, expressing admiration and affection, managing conflicts constructively, and sharing an inner life as key elements in building and maintaining a happy relationship.

The chapter also acknowledges that happiness is not limited to romantic relationships. Deep and lasting friendships, as well as relationships with family and pets, also play a crucial role in our well-being. In addition, Lyubomirsky mentions the positive effects of physical touch, like hugging, in increasing happiness and feelings of connectedness. One study conducted at Pennsylvania State University found that participants who engaged in a minimum of five nonsexual hugs per day reported increased happiness and connectedness.

Lyubomirsky acknowledges that life inevitably involves serious challenges that can lead to depression, fear, and confusion. To deal with traumatic experiences, Lyubomirsky emphasizes the importance of two strategies: coping and forgiveness.

Regarding coping, this chapter distinguishes between two approaches: problem-focused coping and emotion-focused coping. Problem-focused coping involves actively addressing and solving problems when possible. Emotion-focused coping aims to manage emotional reactions, especially when a situation is beyond control. Both strategies are valuable, depending on the circumstances. Furthermore, Lyubomirsky highlights the concept of “construing benefit in trauma” (155), which involves finding value or personal growth in the face of adversity. She cites examples of individuals who have experienced traumatic events, such as cancer survivors, and found positive transformations in their lives.

Specific coping strategies defined in this chapter include expressive writing, finding meaning through writing or conversation, and thought disputation. Expressive writing involves reflecting on distressing experiences in detail, which can promote understanding and meaning-making. Finding meaning through writing or conversation can help individuals to acknowledge their suffering while recognizing their positive actions. Thought disputation involves challenging pessimistic thoughts and considering alternative explanations for problems to alleviate negative emotions.

Happiness Activity No. 7 concerns the impact of forgiveness on our well-being. Lyubomirsky illustrates this impact with a compelling story about Amy Biehl, a Fulbright scholar who was tragically killed in South Africa, and her parents, who chose to forgive their daughter’s killers. Lyubomirsky explains that forgiveness is the process of suppressing or mitigating one’s motivations for avoidance and revenge, replacing those urges with more positive attitudes, feelings, and behaviors. Forgiveness, she clarifies, doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation or excusing the wrongdoing; rather, it focuses on personal growth and healing.

Lyubomirsky emphasizes that forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the transgressor. Research shows that forgiveness reduces levels of anger, depression, and hostility while increasing happiness, empathy, and overall well-being. Forgiveness also allows individuals to move on from rumination and grudges. To practice forgiveness, Lyubomirsky offers several strategies: appreciating being forgiven, imagining forgiveness, writing a letter of forgiveness (even if never sending it), practicing empathy, making charitable attributions, reducing rumination, and reminding oneself to forgive regularly.