The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want

“The catch is that we tend to look for happiness in the wrong places. What we believe would make a huge difference in our lives actually, according to scientific research, makes only a small difference, while we overlook the true sources of personal happiness and well-being.”

Lyubomirsky’s statement underscores how many common misconceptions surround the sources of happiness, introducing her theme of Debunking Happiness Myths. What many people believe will bring significant happiness in fact, based on scientific research, yield only minor boosts in happiness at best. Meanwhile, genuine sources of personal happiness and well-being often go unnoticed or underappreciated.

“Perhaps the most common error is that we assume that positive events, be they promotions at work, clean bills of health, hot dates, or victories by our preferred presidential candidates or football teams, will provide much more happiness than they really do.”

Lyubomirsky emphasizes a prevalent misconception in which people overestimate the impact of major positive events on their happiness. She suggests that promotions, good health reports, exciting dates, or even personal victories may not deliver the level of happiness expected. Scientific research, as she highlights, indicates that these events often provide less happiness than anticipated and that any happiness imparted is not long lasting.

“The first myth is that happiness is something that we must find, that it’s out there somewhere, a place just beyond our reach, a kind of Shangri-la. We could get there, yes, but only if the right things would come to pass: if we’d marry our true loves, secure our dream jobs, purchase elegant houses.”

Lyubomirsky challenges the common misconception that happiness is an external destination waiting to be reached through specific life events like finding love, dream jobs, or luxurious possessions. She labels this belief as the “first myth,” highlighting that true happiness doesn’t solely depend on external circumstances but involves internal processes and choices, which she explores later in her book through the theme of The Interplay of External Circumstances and Internal States in Determining Happiness.

“Happiness is not out there for us to find. The reason that it’s not out there is that it’s inside us.”

Lyubomirsky emphasizes that true happiness isn’t an elusive goal existing outside of ourselves; rather, it’s an intrinsic aspect of our being. This statement about Personal Agency in Happiness underscores the idea that we have the capacity to cultivate and experience happiness from within. Our internal states and choices, in other words, are important in achieving lasting well-being.

“‘I thought you either have it or you don’t.’ This notion—that we are born happy or unhappy—is ubiquitous.”

Here, Lyubomirsky challenges the common belief that happiness is a fixed trait determined by genetics or circumstances. She highlights the misconception that people are either inherently happy or not, emphasizing that happiness can be influenced and enhanced through intentional actions and strategies, irrespective of one’s starting point.

“‘Happy people are all alike; every unhappy person is unhappy in his or her own way.’ The research bears this out; there are many varieties and sources of unhappiness. Each individual is unhappy for a unique constellation of reasons.”

Lyubomirsky emphasizes in this quote the individuality of unhappiness. Research suggests that each person’s unhappiness is shaped by their own distinct combination of life circumstances, personal experiences, and internal factors. In contrast, when it comes to happiness, there are certain universal principles and strategies that tend to contribute to a sense of well-being among individuals.

“Expressing gratitude is a lot more than saying thank you. Emerging research has recently started to draw attention to its multiple benefits. People who are consistently grateful have been found to be relatively happier, more energetic, and more hopeful and to report experiencing more frequent positive emotions.”

Lyubomirsky’s statement highlights the significance of practicing gratitude as more than just a polite gesture. She points out that scientific research demonstrates a range of positive outcomes for those who cultivate gratitude regularly, situating this activity within her theme of Evidence-Based Strategies for Well-Being. These benefits include increased happiness, greater energy, enhanced hopefulness, and a higher frequency of positive emotions.

“Optimism expert Martin Seligman recommends a ‘flexible optimism,’ to be marshaled when the situation calls for it, but not when ‘clear sight or owning up is called for.’”

Lyubomirsky echoes Martin Seligman’s advice on optimism, emphasizing the importance of a “flexible optimism” that should be employed appropriately. She suggests that while optimism can be beneficial in certain situations, it shouldn’t replace clear thinking and accountability when those are required. This approach advocates for a balanced perspective that adapts to the context, promoting both positive thinking and responsible decision-making.

“If an activity is meant to enhance well-being, it needs to remain fresh and meaningful. Of course, when you embark on your own happiness-increasing program, you will do so by your own free will, not because an experimenter in a white lab coat is prompting you.”

Lyubomirsky underscores the importance of personal motivation in pursuing activities that boost well-being. She highlights that meaningful engagement is essential for sustaining happiness-enhancing practices, emphasizing that individuals must choose such activities willingly rather than feeling compelled by external influences. This assertion aligns with the idea that genuine well-being arises from authentic and self-directed efforts, not merely compliance with external directives.

“From the time of their conception to the moment of their death, human beings are embedded in relationships with others. It is within interpersonal relationships that most of us experience for the first time the emotion of love—the most wildly happiness-inducing emotion there is—and find meaning and purpose in our lives.”

Lyubomirsky highlights the profound impact of interpersonal relationships and social support on human happiness. She emphasizes that love, as a powerful and happiness-inducing emotion, often emerges within these human connections. Furthermore, she suggests that these relationships provide individuals with a sense of meaning and purpose, hence playing a crucial role in well-being and fulfillment.

“No life—if we live long enough—is without stress, adversity, or crisis.”

Lyubomirsky acknowledges the inevitability of stress, adversity, and crisis in every individual’s life. She implies that these challenges are universal and intrinsic to the human experience, emphasizing the importance of learning to cope with them effectively.

“Coping is what people do to alleviate the hurt, stress, or suffering caused by a negative event or situation. Psychologists call this managing stressful demands, and everyone has done it.”

In this statement, Lyubomirsky defines coping as the actions individuals take to alleviate the emotional distress or suffering caused by negative events or challenging situations. She highlights that coping, or managing stressful demands, is a universal human response, emphasizing that everyone has employed coping strategies at some point in their lives to deal with adversity or stress. Her words underscore the commonality of this experience and the need for effective coping mechanisms to enhance well-being.

“Construing benefit in trauma involves seeing some value or gain (a silver lining, if you must) in your loss or negative life event—for example, a change in life perspective, a feeling that one’s life has greater value, or a sense of personal growth.”

Lyubomirsky discusses the concept of construing benefit in the context of trauma. She explains that it entails perceiving some form of value or positive outcome in the midst of a negative life event or loss. This concept may involve gaining a new perspective on life, feeling that one’s life has acquired greater meaning, or experiencing personal growth as a result of the challenging experience. Lyubomirsky highlights the potential for resilience and personal development even in the face of adversity. In doing so, she emphasizes the role of one’s perception in shaping their response to trauma, that is, the role of Personal Agency in Happiness.

“I want to underscore that forgiving is something that you do for yourself and not for the person who has wronged you.”

Lyubomirsky emphasizes that forgiveness is a personal act primarily benefiting the forgiver, rather than the person who committed the wrongdoing. Her words here highlight the therapeutic and healing nature of forgiveness, suggesting that letting go of resentment and anger can lead to greater inner peace and well-being for the forgiver. Her careful definition of forgiveness in the book, as well as her careful definitions of other seemingly familiar terms, is part of her effort toward Debunking Happiness Myths.

“It turns out that rumination is also a considerable barrier to forgiveness. People who brood on or obsess over a transgression are more likely to hold on to their hurt and anger and less motivated to forgive.”

Lyubomirsky points out that rumination, the act of dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings, can hinder the process of forgiveness. When individuals continuously mull over a wrongdoing, it can intensify their hurt and anger, making it harder for them to let go and forgive the person who wronged them. This effect highlights the connection among rumination, emotional distress, and the ability to forgive.

“Csikszentmihalyi argues that the good life, a happy life, is characterized by flow, by ‘complete absorption in what one does.’”

Lyubomirsky references Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of the “good life” as one characterized by flow, which is the state of complete absorption in one’s activities. This definition suggests that happiness and fulfillment are often experienced when individuals are fully engaged and immersed in their tasks or pursuits. Flow represents a state of deep concentration and enjoyment in the present moment, such that individuals are so absorbed in their activities that they lose track of time. The sense of achievement and satisfaction experienced during flow states reiterates the role of internal states in determining happiness.

“Yet the ability to savor the positive experiences in your life is one of the most important ingredients of happiness. Most people truly understand what it means to savor after overcoming uncomfortable or painful symptoms or following a brush with mortality or a major scare.”

Lyubomirsky emphasizes the significance of savoring positive experiences as a crucial component of happiness. Savoring refers to the act of fully appreciating and relishing the positive moments, sensations, or achievements in one’s life. Lyubomirsky highlights that people often realize the importance of savoring after facing challenging or life-threatening situations because such experiences can sharpen one’s awareness of the fleeting nature of life. This concept underscores the idea that embracing the positive aspects of life can contribute significantly to one’s overall sense of well-being and happiness.

“The first challenge in using the strategy of savoring is to learn how to appreciate and take pleasure in mundane, everyday experiences.”

Lyubomirsky addresses the initial hurdle individuals may face when trying to implement the strategy of savoring in their lives. She emphasizes that the first challenge lies in developing the ability to find joy and satisfaction in ordinary, everyday experiences. Often, people focus on seeking happiness in extraordinary events or achievements and completely neglect the potential for happiness in the routine aspects of life. She suggests that by learning to savor the small, everyday moments, individuals can enhance their overall happiness and well-being, making life more fulfilling.

“Whether our valued activity is becoming a musician or having a baby, it gives us something to work for and to look forward to. In author G. K. Chesterton’s words, ‘There is one thing which gives radiance to everything. It is the idea of something around the corner.’”

Lyubomirsky highlights the significance of having meaningful goals and pursuits in life. She refers to various activities, such as becoming a musician or starting a family, as examples of endeavors that can provide individuals with a sense of purpose and anticipation. Quoting G. K. Chesterton, she emphasizes that the idea of something positive or rewarding in the future can infuse life with radiance and motivation. This concept aligns with the idea that having goals and aspirations can contribute to one’s overall happiness and well-being, as they provide a sense of direction and meaning in life.

“As self-evident as it may sound, working toward goals that are personally involving and rewarding to you is more likely to bring you happiness than working toward goals that are not freely chosen.”

Lyubomirsky underscores the importance of pursuing goals that resonate with one’s personal values and desires. She suggests that actively working toward goals that genuinely matter to an individual is more likely to result in happiness than pursuing goals that may be imposed or chosen for external reasons. This assertion aligns with the idea that intrinsic motivation, in which individuals engage in activities because they find them inherently rewarding, is often associated with greater well-being, reiterating the theme of The Interplay of External Circumstances and Internal States in Determining Happiness.

“Even beyond negative or traumatic life events—when our days are merely ordinary—religion and spirituality undoubtedly help us find meaning in life. Why do we need a sense of meaning? Because we need to feel that we matter, that our suffering and our hard work aren’t futile, and that our life has a purpose.”

Lyubomirsky highlights the role of religion and spirituality in providing many individuals with a sense of meaning and purpose in life. She suggests that these aspects of the human experience can help people find significance in their existence, even during ordinary or non-traumatic periods. The need for meaning, Lyubomirsky argues, arises from the desire to feel that one’s life has value and purpose, even in the face of suffering or hardship. Religion and spirituality can help individuals make sense of their experiences by fostering a sense of connection and significance in the grander scheme of things.

“Positive emotions truly make you into a happier person. ‘We live in an ascending scale when we live happily,’ said the author of Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson, ‘one thing leading to another in an endless series.’”

This quote by Stevenson emphasizes the positive feedback loop between positive emotions and happiness. Lyubomirsky is highlighting the idea that experiencing positive emotions can create a chain reaction, leading to more positive emotions and an overall increase in happiness. Stevenson’s analogy of an “endless series” suggests that happiness can be self-perpetuating, with one positive experience or emotion generating another. The capacity of an individual, in this manner, to contribute to a happier and more fulfilling life refers back to the significance of Personal Agency in Happiness.

“In hindsight, I now understand why certain chapters affected me more than others. Writing about the strategies that I was already good at—optimism, goal pursuit, coping, physical activity, and flow—didn’t influence me as much as those for which I needed improvement. For example, the section on living in the present was especially compelling and valuable in teaching me to focus on what really matters in the moment as opposed to fretting about daily irritations.”

Here, Lyubomirsky reflects on her personal experience while writing the book. She acknowledges that certain chapters, particularly those related to strategies she needed to improve upon, had a more profound impact on her. Specifically, she mentions the section on “living in the present,” highlighting its significance in teaching her to prioritize what truly matters in the moment instead of dwelling on daily annoyances. This passage reveals that the author’s journey of researching and writing the book had a transformative effect on her own understanding of happiness and well-being.