The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Many people refrain from admitting that they are ashamed and openly identify as perfectionists. Brown, however, thinks that perfectionism is unclaimed shame in another form. While perfectionism is generally regarded as a conduit to becoming our best selves, Brown maintains that the idea that “if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame” is mistaken (75). In her view, the goal of perfectionism is to achieve social standards rather than meet our own standards. Rather than being an asset, perfectionism is a heavy burden that can keep us stuck in unhelpful thoughts and behaviors as we put off trying new things, fearing that if we fail, we will lose our self-worth.

If we want to overcome perfectionism, we need to acknowledge our vulnerability to shame and embrace imperfection. Brown’s data shows that rather than the world being divided into perfectionists and nonperfectionists, perfectionism exists on a spectrum. Brown, a recovering perfectionist, must actively practice embracing imperfection. An example she gives is allowing guests into a messy house.

People who live in a wholehearted way resist perfectionism by acknowledging that we are all doing our best and by practicing self-compassion when they do not meet their own standards. Brown, for example, describes forgiving herself after she accidentally misspelled someone’s name in a work-related email. According to Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion, those who are best at this take a mindful approach to emotions, ensuring that they pay due attention to their pain but do not exaggerate it. Brown shows that fostering compassion instead of perfectionism can help our relationships with others, both at home and at work, as it allows everyone to show up doing their best.

Ever since the 1970s, researchers from domains as diverse as psychology and criminal justice have been curious as to why some people are more resilient and therefore better at bouncing back from hardship than others. Brown’s data shows that those who are most adept at wholehearted living are also the most resilient, able to transform traumatic experiences into situations where they could thrive. The foundation of this resilience universally turned out to be spirituality, which Brown defines as “recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion” (87). Her research suggested that the origin of this spirituality, whether organized religion or something more individual, is irrelevant: What matters to wholehearted living is believing in some form of power outside of oneself. Such spirituality cultivates hope and critical awareness while decreasing reliance on various methods of numbing vulnerability, pain, and discomfort.

Turning first to hope, Brown was surprised to learn from C. R. Snyder’s research that it is less a feeling and more a cognitive process. This version of hope entails realistic goal setting and methods for achieving those goals, including contingency plans and self-belief. Brown is concerned that too many children who come from traditionally privileged backgrounds have a low tolerance for disappointment and a strong sense of entitlement. This combination, along with the pressure to perform, creates a sense of hopelessness that leaves many feeling incapable of change. Brown argues that it is essential that we believe we can change if we want to live and love wholeheartedly.

Being critically aware means being conscious of the messages that the media feeds us about not being good enough because we do not meet its externally imposed standards. This feeling of falling short is only exacerbated in an era of photoshopped and manufactured images. Resilient people are capable of reality-checking the images and recognizing that the people who produce them have vested interests in commodifying our lives.

Brown asserts that most people feel the need to take the edge off vulnerability, fear, and disappointment by engaging in numbing behaviors. While these can present themselves as recognized addictions such as alcoholism, in many cases people engage in a constellation of different behaviors to distance themselves from their feelings. These could include immersing oneself in work, indulgent eating, or losing an hour to Instagram. Brown’s research shows that numbing is detrimental to happiness because we cannot selectively numb negative emotions. When we seek to do so, we also make our joy less acute. Brown’s personal experience with trying to keep pain at bay fits more into the numbing than the addiction pattern, and “taking the edge off” makes it difficult to find a specific cure (96). Rather than being immune to numbing, the people in Brown’s study who engaged in wholehearted living were conscious of this tendency and developed strategies to “feel their way through high-vulnerability experiences” (95).

Returning to spirituality, Brown maintains that believing in the collective of human experience and a greater power than that of the individual is the only way through hopelessness, media distortions, and fear of vulnerability. It also gives us the essentials of purpose and meaning, without which it is only too easy to succumb to despair.