The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Brown recounts a time when she got so anxious that she became dizzy trying to balance work and family demands. She has found no other solution for this problem than to learn to be still and focus on her breath.

Brown differentiates between calm and stillness. Calm is about maintaining a perspective that enables us to respond proactively rather than reacting negatively to challenging situations. In a calm frame of mind, we take the time we need to consider what the situation requires of us. While there is a misconception that stillness means emptying our minds, Brown states that it is actually “about creating a clearing […] opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question” (139). This is essential if we are to get clarity about the direction our life is going in and put ourselves on a wholehearted path. However, such stillness can be challenging, because whenever we take a break from the busyness of life, we confront the truth of our lives. Indeed, many of us prefer anxiety to reckoning with ourselves.

Brown advises that we pay attention to the specific ways we act when anxiety strikes. While some of us overfunction and immerse ourselves in busyness and meddling in others’ lives, others underfunction and surrender their responsibilities. While overfunctioners would do well to face up to vulnerability, underfunctioners would benefit from amplifying their competencies and strengths.

Brown’s research shows that those who practice wholehearted living engage in work that is meaningful to them. Brown believes that we all have gifts and talents and must use them to contribute to the world if we are not to damage our physical and emotional well-being. The work that makes the best use of these gifts is not always that which pays the bills.

Our minds continually generate negative messages that cause us to doubt our abilities. Brown advises that we write down these doubts so that we can directly confront our fears. We may find that even though we are afraid, we are willing to do the scary, potentially rewarding thing anyway. Brown echoes the theologian Howard Thurman’s advice that people should do the work that makes them come alive because “what the world needs is people who have come alive” (147). After getting deliberate about the kind of work that is meaningful to them, people might find a way to combine it with their day job. 

Brown states that laughter, song, and dance have always been part of the human expression of collective joy. These actions “create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration or healing: We are not alone” (151). However, the prospect of exposing ourselves publicly in these ways can make us vulnerable. This is especially the case with dancing in public, which can cause people to feel “full-body vulnerability” akin to being naked (153). This manifestation of shame is not innate, however; according to Brown, children universally enjoy dancing before they are made to feel self-conscious about how they look doing it and what other people will think of them. People of both genders feel that they need to look cool and composed before others, even if this means limiting their fun. While women feel that they are criticized for being too loud or taking up space, men are conscious of looking foolish and out of control. Both attempt to diminish vulnerability on the mistaken premise that we can control what others think of us so we can feel good enough.

Brown recalls a trip to the mall with her then eight-year-old daughter, Ellen. Brown, who was anticipating a quick errand and had not put on makeup or nice clothes, was mortified when she realized that several other mothers and their daughters were watching Ellen dance to a pop song playing over the store’s radio. Though her initial impulse was to stop Ellen, she realized that this would be a “betrayal” and instead joined in. Brown argues that when we prioritize being cool over the expression of who we are, we betray not only others but also ourselves. Moreover, this can leak into how we treat others. When we do not allow ourselves free expression, we seek to curtail that of others.

While we might understandably be afraid of change and the uncertainty it brings, we always need to ask ourselves if sacrificing our authentic selves to meet the expectations of other people is worth it. For Brown, it is not. Instead, we must cultivate courage, compassion, and connection to live wholeheartedly, accept ourselves, and experience true belonging. When we do, we will feel “brave, afraid, and very, very alive” (161).

Brown had a meandering path to becoming a feelings researcher. She dropped out of her undergraduate degree many times before becoming a social worker in her late 20s. She then studied social work and progressed to graduate school at the University of Houston, where she ended up earning a doctorate. She made use of qualitative research, which uses patterns and themes to interpret social phenomena. She was trained in grounded theory by its founder, Barney Glaser. Grounded theory involves making as few assumptions as possible about the data, allowing hypotheses to emerge from the process. This enabled Brown to develop fresh insights into the anatomy of human connection. She then made an eight-year detour into researching shame, one of the key obstacles to connection. Brown’s method includes interviews and stories that she collects from participants in myriad forms, including letters, blogs, and artwork. She then generates themes from the stories.