The Clean House

Lane, a doctor in her early fifties, enters wearing white and addresses the audience. In a brief speech, she talks about her Brazilian cleaning woman (Matilde, whom she does not name), who “decided that she was depressed one day” and would no longer clean Lane’s house (9). When Lane told the woman to clean, she refused. Finally, Lane brought her to see a doctor, but even once on medication, the woman still would not clean. Lane complains that she has had to clean by herself, exclaiming, “I’m sorry, but I did not go to medical school to clean my own house” (10).

Virginia speaks to the audience. She is in her late fifties and Lane’s older sister. Virginia does not understand why anyone would “give up the privilege of cleaning their own houses” (10). She describes the tangible accomplishment of cleaning and how it occupies what would otherwise be empty time. Virginia blurts out that if she didn’t clean, she would be so bored she might kill herself, then catches herself, laughing at her comment and swearing it was a joke. She describes her sister, who does not clean her own home, as “a wonderful person” and “a doctor. At an important hospital” (10), but admits she doesn’t understand what it means to be an important hospital, since “they are all places for human waste. Places to put dead bodies” (10). Virginia apologizes for making this second morbid statement. She explains that cleaning gives her an intimate knowledge of her home and her husband. Virginia describes herself as an educated person who prioritizes her home: She adds that if she suddenly died at any time, her kitchen would already be clean. 

Matilde tells the audience about her parents during her childhood in Brazil. Her father was extremely funny and waited until he was 63 years old to marry because he would not settle for a woman who wasn’t as funny as he was. He told Matilde that her mother was even funnier. Matilde’s mother had also waited to find a husband who could truly make her laugh. Their marriage and intimacy centered on jokes and laughter. But now, Matilde explains, she wears black clothing because she is in mourning. The previous year, her mother literally died laughing at a joke her father had worked on for a year as an anniversary gift. Matilde’s mother may have died due to choking, but doctors were unable to fully explain her death. After her mother’s death, Matilde’s father committed suicide. As a result, Matilde came to the United States to become a house cleaner.

Lane finds Matilde gazing out the window and awkwardly asks if she will clean the bathroom. Matilde agrees but doesn’t move. Uncomfortably, Lane explains that she has trouble giving orders. She asks Matilde what she did back in Brazil. Matilde replies that she was a student, studying humor, and that her parents were the two funniest people in the country until their deaths. Matilde was the third funniest until they died, and is now the funniest. She explains, “There was no one left to laugh at my jokes, so I left” (13). Still uneasy, Lane replies, “That’s very interesting. I don’t—always—understand the arts” (13). Lane says that she would find Matilde’s story fascinating in a social situation, but she doesn’t want Matilde to be interesting; she just wants her to clean. Lane explains that she doesn’t want to have to tell Matilde what she wants her to do, because it makes her uncomfortable. Matilde suggests that Lane give her orders like she would a nurse at the hospital. Timidly at first and then more assertively, Lane orders Matilde to polish the silver, which Matilde does. 

After Lane exits, Matilde stops polishing and says, “This is how I imagine my parents” (14). A couple enters, dancing. Matilde describes them: how they aren’t particularly adept dancers, but they laugh, which leads to kissing, which leads to more laughter and kissing. Matilde watches and misses them.

The doorbell rings and the couple exits. They blow Matilde kisses as they go. Matilde answers the door. She recognizes Virginia from pictures and introduces herself, using the Brazilian pronunciation of her name. Confused, Virginia pronounces her name like an American. Virginia worries that she is disrupting Matilde, and Matilde tells her that Lane is at work. Virginia replies that Lane is always working. Matilde invites Virginia in, and Virginia explains that she is actually there to speak to Matilde, because Lane told her Matilde has been depressed. The two women sit on the couch, and Virginia asks if Matilde is homesick. Matilde agrees that she is, but says the reason she’s sad is that she hates cleaning.

Virginia finds this surprising because she enjoys cleaning. When Matilde asks why Virginia likes it, she explains, “It clears my head” (18). Matilde responds, “So it is, for you, a religious practice?” (18). Virginia clarifies that cleaning her own house makes her “feel clean” (18). Matilde suggests that it may be a different feeling to clean your own home. She offers coffee to Virginia, who accepts. While Matilde is in the kitchen, Virginia runs her finger along the table, and it comes away dusty. She wipes the dust on her skirt, then searches in vain for something to clean her skirt with. Matilde returns with a cup and Virginia drinks, praising the coffee. Matilde reminds her that Brazil is known for its coffee, and asks, “Does that help you to place me in my cultural context?” (19). Virginia notes that Matilde seems different than Lane described and asks her age. Matilde replies, “Young enough that my skin is still good. Old enough that I am starting to think: is my skin still good?” (20). Virginia accurately assesses that Matilde is twenty-seven.

Virginia mispronounces Matilde’s name again and Matilde tries to correct her. Virginia makes her an offer: She would like to clean Lane’s house. Matilde is confused, but Lane explains that she finishes cleaning her own home by 3:12 every afternoon. She has no children because her husband is infertile, and because she did not want to bring children into a world where horrific things might happen to them. Virginia’s deep dissatisfaction with her own life has spiraled since the age of twenty-two. She used to study Greek literature, but on a vacation to Greece, she looked at the ruins and only thought that they needed to be cleaned. She wants to clean Lane’s house to fill her time but does not want Lane to know. Matilde agrees and Virginia brightly suggests that they clean the bathroom first because she finds it especially satisfying to clean toilets.

Lane enters while Matilde is reading the comics. Surprised, Lane exclaims that the house is very clean. Matilde agrees and Lane asks if the medication has started to work. Matilde replies that she feels a lot better, and Lane is pleased. After Lane exits, Matilde opens a prescription bottle, extracts a pill, and tosses it into the trash.

To the audience, Matilde says, “The perfect joke makes you forget about your life. The perfect joke makes you remember about your life. The perfect joke is stupid when you write it down. The perfect joke was not made up by one person. It passed through the air and you caught it. A perfect joke is somewhere between an angel and a fart” (23). She describes a memory of her parents, and the couple enters. They are laughing raucously at a joke of her mother’s. Eight-year-old Matilde, who can’t stand not getting a joke, asks her mother to explain the humor, but it’s a dirty joke, so her mother promises to explain when Matilde is 30. Matilde adds, “Now I’m almost thirty. And I’ll never know the joke” (24). Her parents turn to her and then exit.

The following day, Matilde watches as Virginia happily folds laundry. Matilde offers to tell Virginia a joke, but Virginia declines because someone—perhaps her husband—once made her self-conscious about her laugh. She asks Matilde if she is married. Matilde says she isn’t, which Virginia replies is good. Matilde asks if Virginia likes her husband and Virginia explains that a husband ought to be “like a well-placed couch” (25): practical, not too attractive or extraordinary. Matilde wonders if he makes Virginia laugh and Virginia explains that she wouldn’t like it if he did because she wouldn’t be able to control the sounds she might make. Matilde responds, “A good joke cleans your insides out. If I don’t laugh for a week, I feel dirty. I feel dirty now, like my insides are rotting” (25). Virginia agrees that someone ought to make Matilde laugh, but Virginia can’t do it herself.

Matilde tells Virginia that her mother taught her that humor requires a person to recognize that the world is huge and their own problems tiny in comparison. Her mother also taught her that “if women knew more jokes, there would be more justice in the world” (25). Virginia considers this as she folds a pair of women’s white underwear, and notes that this is the first time she has ever seen her sister’s underwear. Matilde comments that it’s very utilitarian. Because they’re so white, Virginia wonders if Lane is menopausal, or if she simply throws out her stained pairs. Virginia also comments that she feels odd touching Lane’s husband’s underwear, describing him as a very attractive and accomplished surgeon. Virginia reiterates that she prefers a husband who isn’t too good-looking or successful because she doesn’t need to be concerned that he will stray. Then Virginia pulls out a black pair of underwear and points out that they don’t look like something her sister would wear. Matilde agrees. They are too “shiny” and “sexy” (27). The two women exchange a look.  

Lane and Virginia drink coffee together. Virginia compliments the cleanliness of Lane’s house and asks about the maid. When Lane pronounces Matilde’s name the American way, Virginia pronounces it correctly, asking if that isn’t the right way to say it in Brazil. Lane insists that Matilde would have corrected her if that were so and changes the subject. Next Virginia asks after Charles, Lane’s husband. Lane replies that he is doing well but performing “nine surgeries a day,” working constantly. “[W]e hardly see each other,” she adds. “I mean of course we see each other, but, you know how it is” (29). Lane calls Matilde to take their coffee cups, and Matilde winks at Virginia as she does. After Matilde exits, Lane wonders if it would have been socially correct to introduce Virginia to the maid.

Lane admits to her sister that she is still uncomfortable having Matilde in her house. Virginia agrees that it is probably awkward to read a magazine while another person cleans up your mess. Hotly, Lane replies that she isn’t reading any magazines: She is working long hours, something the majority of people do. Digging at her sister, Lane adds, “At least people who have jobs” (29). For a moment, the two sisters are furious at each other, just like when they fought as children. Then they regain their composure and apologize. Lane suggests that Virginia and her husband come over for dinner soon, saying they don’t see each other often enough. Virginia suggests the following week; Lane declines because she is too busy but agrees they should do it soon. 

It’s nighttime and Lane comes home. She turns on the light and is startled to find that Matilde has been sitting alone in the dark. Matilde explains that she was working on a joke but lost her train of thought. Lane asks if Charles has come home or called and Matilde, with sympathy, says that he hasn’t. Lane tells Matilde that he’s most likely sleeping at the hospital, explaining that tending to patients can be hectic. As a young couple, Charles and Lane sent each other coded pages to express affection. But when you’ve been together a long time, Lane asserts, you don’t need the other person to tell you that you’re on their mind. Since Lane is also a doctor, they both understand the demands of the job. Lane decides to go to bed and asks if Matilde plans to keep sitting in the dark. Matilde replies that she might clean a little. They say good night and Matilde, alone again, closes her eyes and goes back to creating a joke. While she thinks, the stage lights shift from nighttime to daylight. 

Virginia enters and starts ironing as Matilde watches. Matilde says she is on the verge of discovering a good joke and explains to Virginia how timing works in humor. She tells a joke about timing, and Virginia acknowledges that the joke is funny but doesn’t laugh out loud. She assures Matilde that she’s laughing inside, and Matilde tells her that she prefers when people laugh outside. Matilde states, “I’m looking for the perfect joke, but I’m afraid if I found it, it would kill me” (34). Virginia pulls a pair of red women’s underwear out of the laundry and the two women look at each other in horror. They wonder if Charles has had the audacity to bring another woman into the house he shares with Lane. Matilde hypothesizes: Perhaps they meet elsewhere and the woman signals Charles by surreptitiously handing him her underwear, or perhaps the underwear belongs to Charles, and he enjoys wearing it. Virginia rejects Matilde’s theories.

Lane enters and Virginia hides the underwear. When Lane goes to the kitchen, Virginia asks where she is going and Lane replies, “in the other room to shoot myself” (36). Virginia is concerned but Lane says she was only joking. Matilde and Virginia exchange glances, and Virginia anxiously tidies up the coffee table. When Lane reenters, her hand is bleeding. In response to Virginia’s shock, she quips, “I’m disguising myself as a patient” (37). Lane admits that she cut her hand trying to make a martini. Abruptly, she tells the others that Charles has left her for a 67-year-old mastectomy patient of his. Charles didn’t cheat with a younger woman, Lane says; he fell in love. Virginia seems impressed that a man as attractive and successful as Charles has chosen an older woman until Lane expresses annoyance with her. Lane confesses that she suspected something wasn’t right but hadn’t believed that Charles could be interested in another woman when Lane was so intelligent and attractive, and such an excellent and beloved doctor. She states, “I was blind. He didn’t want a doctor. He wanted a housewife” (40).

Suddenly, Lane notices the arrangement of the coffee table, sees Matilde ineptly folding laundry, and asks if Virginia has been the one cleaning her house. Both Matilde and Virginia deny it several times before Matilde finally admits that Virginia has been cleaning for two weeks. Lane immediately fires them both. Virginia tries to take the blame, but Lane is insistent. She asks if Matilde can afford a plane ticket back to Brazil. When Matilde says no, Lane says she can stay another week and that she will buy Matilde a ticket, but Matilde says she doesn’t need a plane ticket, just a bus ticket to go to New York to become a comedian.

Virginia pleads on Matilde’s behalf. Lane is upset that Virginia has been handling Lane’s belongings and doesn’t understand why Virginia would want to spend her time cleaning her sister’s house. Virginia insists that her life consists of cleaning her house and wondering why she didn’t do something more, stating, “I wanted something—big. I didn’t know how to ask for it” (44). Cleaning Lane’s house was a task she could do. Lane reiterates that Matilde is fired. Virginia protests again, offering to take care of Lane, which makes Lane furious. Finally, Lane asserts, “I don’t want my sister to clean my house. I want a stranger to clean my house” (45). Matilde agrees to get her belongings and leave. She says goodbye to each of the other women, hugging Virginia and telling her, “Good luck finding your task” and Lane, “Good luck finding your husband” (45). Matilde exits and the two sisters look at each other.

Lane tells the audience, “This is how I imagine my ex-husband and his new wife” (45). Charles and Ana enter. Ana is wearing what might be either a hospital gown or a formal gown and he undresses her, kissing her body tenderly as Lane describes their actions. Matilde enters, packed to leave. She asks about the seemingly happy couple and Lane explains that they are how she imagines her husband and the woman he had an affair with. Matilde comments, “People imagine that people who are in love are happy” (47), adding that this is the reason people often commit suicide on Valentine’s Day. Matilde tells Lane that love is not neat and clean like people imagine: It’s messy and dirty, like a joke.

Matilde offers to tell Lane a joke and Lane agrees. The joke is in Portuguese and afterwards, Lane asks if it was funny and if she should laugh. Matilde tells her that she should, but Lane cries instead. When Matilde points this out, Lane alternates between laughing and crying for several minutes. Virginia enters and tells Lane that Charles is waiting in the hall with a woman. Lane is taken aback that he has brought his lover to their house. She asks Virginia if the woman is pretty and Virginia at first says no but then says, apologetically, “She’s beautiful” (49). The sisters look at each other and Charles calls Lane from offstage.