The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

“If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.”

As with real languages—English, Spanish, French—different languages can be difficult to understand, and much can be lost in translation. If we wish to communicate effectively with our spouse, then we must learn to speak their love language. Only then will we be able to communicate our love in a way that they easily understand, recognize, and appreciate.

“[T]he need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need.”

Alongside the basic necessities of water, food, and shelter, human beings have emotional and intellectual needs. The most fundamental of these is the need to feel loved, the need to feel that we are in harmony with another person who loves us for who we are and is willing to demonstrate that love to us.

“Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche.”

Human beings are created to live in community and to exist in relation with one another. As such, isolating a person or making them feel as if they are alone in the world is devastating and can cause lasting harm. It is natural to desire love. When we feel that we should be receiving love but aren’t, it can create rifts in a relationship.

“Could it be that deep inside hurting couples exists an invisible ‘emotional love tank’ with its gauge on empty?”

Relationships can fail and love die because couples experience their own form of relational burnout. When we feel that our own love tank is dry, there is nothing left to give. We can’t give what we don’t have.

“Most of us enter marriage by way of the ‘in-love’ experience.”

For the vast majority of couples, falling in love is the first step to getting married. This state of being “in love” typically lasts well through the wedding and into the first few years of marriage; the experience of being in love and infatuated leads us to desire nothing other than a life with this other person.

“The euphoria of the ‘in-love’ state gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship.”

While the euphoric state of being in love is real and will hopefully lead to further depth in the relationship, the “‘in-love’ state” can trick us into thinking that there is more to the relationship than there really is. While a mature love can certainly develop in time, euphoria does not signify intimacy and can trick us into ignoring red flags and warning signs.

“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.”

We often think that falling in love is the same as being loved, but nothing could be further than the truth. To be loved for our personal identity is a need that far surpasses the need to be “in love.” The choice of another person to love us is profound.

“The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.”

To love means to pour oneself out for another, to put the other ahead of one’s own self. Aiming to receive and to “get” is not love, it is self-love and often selfish and narcissistic. Love is about the other, about directing our love and energy toward another person for their benefit, for their good, without expecting a reward.

“We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.

When we learn what is important to our spouse, we can learn how to give them what they need and want. We too often see the world through our own needs and desires. The empathy required to love our spouse as they deserve and desire is a skill that needs to be learned and practiced.

“Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use.”

It is a universally acknowledged truth that actions speak louder than words, and the same can be said about the actions of our bodies, even when these actions are unconscious or implicit. Our body language can speak volumes, as can the manner in which we say something. Sarcasm can be cutting and disrespect is often obvious. When we speak in a way that expresses sincerity, love, respect, and care, it will nurture our partner.

“I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday.”

We are creatures of habit and memory. When we hold on to the pains of our past, we are harming ourselves and our relationships. The past needs to stay in the past, and the present and future need to be lived with a fresh perspective, an intention to love and choose the good.

“The love language of one person is not necessarily the love language of another.”

While most of us respond to all five love languages at some point, we tend to speak different love languages with different degrees of fluency compared with our partner. If our partner likes to speak a different love language, we need to take that into account for a healthy relationship to develop.

“Time is a precious commodity.”

More than anything else that human beings possess, time is the most precious. It cannot be bought, it cannot be borrowed, it cannot be dug out of the ground or found in the wilderness. We only have so much, and when it’s gone, we can never get it back. Who we decide to give our time, then, is of profound importance and can be the most precious gift we are ever able to give.

“Most individuals who complain that their spouse does not talk do not mean literally that he or she never says a word. They mean that he or she seldom takes part in sympathetic dialogue.”

Everybody talks and everybody listens, but not everybody does these things well or with the right intentions. When the complaint is levied that a spouse is uncommunicative, it can mean that they aren’t disclosing the most interior parts of themselves.

“Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn we must, if we want to communicate love.”

Listening is a skill that many people simply do not have. For many, people are waiting for their turn to speak. Listening must become an active and intentional choice. One must really hear and understand what the other person is saying, not just for the sake of being able to respond or answer back.

“Remember, emotions themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply our psychological responses to the events of life.”

Emotions in themselves are neutral since they can be channeled either negatively or positively. Anger can be just or irrational; despair can lead us into depression or push us to greater heights and delayed gratification. When we realize that our emotions do not drive us to predetermined action, we can direct them in helpful ways.

“Gifts are visual symbols of love.”

Human beings learn from their environment, which usually means interacting with things that exist in the world. Tangible gifts can be a symbol of our love when we are absent, or when we can’t find the opportunity to remind our partner that we love them. Gifts are a universally acknowledged way to show love, gratitude, and community.

“Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving.”

The act of giving is universal. It is an expression of love recognized by everyone, even if it is less important to some people than to others. Love is about giving what is good for another and recognizing what the beloved wants and needs.

“[W]hat we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.”

Many people feel that the way that they date has to be done a particular way, and that the way they exist as a married couple has to conform to particular standards. Often, these two modes of interacting will be in conflict. As Chapman notes, we have to reexamine our stereotypes and expectations to best cater to our spouse’s needs.

“Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.”

Love is an act of will. We choose to love. This is obvious in certain situations—a parent can choose to love a child who regularly acts out in inappropriate or harmful ways. The fact that love is a choice even in romantic relationships is not always as clear. Choosing love is the only thing that will nourish love beyond euphoria and into lasting and faithful partnerships.

“Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.”

Love creates a nurturing environment, a climate in which couples can communicate honestly with the expectation of support and encouragement, and without the fear of judgment. Love equips us to enter into dialogue with our partner in a manner conducive to resolution and harmony.

“We are talking about love, and love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.”

Love comes with personal rewards, not least in the way that it makes us feel. Love is, however, principally directed to another person. At times, love will require great suffering and sacrifice; in fact, sometimes the only true act of love is sacrifice.

“In the context of marriage, if we do not feel loved, our differences are magnified. We come to view each other as a threat to our happiness. We fight for self-worth and significance, and marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a haven.”

We tend to view other people either as assets or enemies. When our marriage is characterized by love, affection, and friendship, we view our partner as an ally. However, when love begins to die, we see our partner as an enemy to be vanquished. Arguments become point-scoring exercises rather than opportunities to work together toward a shared goal and solution.