Tasting the Sky: A Palestinian Childhood

Ibtisam describes her childhood as “shattered at the hand of history” (169). The Six-Day War precipitates the loss of her childhood innocence, forcing Ibtisam to deal with adult situations and knowledge before she is ready and to experience events that leave lasting emotional scars. War both claims childhood happiness and leaves the child that lives inside each adult longing for what they lost, keeping them in some ways a perpetual child. While young Ibtisam endures physical hardships of war, like hunger and thirst, the intangible mental and emotional impacts of growing up during wartime cause deeper emotional trauma. Ibtisam learns that repressing her unhappy childhood memories is a short-term solution and ultimately finds solace in remembering and owning her past. Though she cannot make up for lost childhood, she can reclaim her future.

The losses Ibtisam counts that are “written on [her] heart” (19, 169) are tangible things like her “shoes, a donkey friend, a city, the skin of my feet, a goat, my home…” (169) but they represent deeper emotional losses. Ibtisam loses her sense of being safe and loved. She develops a fear of abandonment and experiences uncertainty in her relationship with her parents. She loses her childhood.

Being accidentally left behind by her family at the start of the war scars Ibtisam. She recalls that “The feeling of that moment stung like fire in my heart” (166). Fearful and alone, amidst adult strangers, Ibtisam witnesses destruction and experiences the real possibility of her own death and that of her family. When she does reunite with her family, Ibtisam no longer feels alone, though “something in me still felt confused and lost” (28). Though her family is back together, she no longer has the same sense of childhood security with them. The experiences instill a fear of losing her family again, and Ibtisam develops separation anxiety. She fears leaving Father after her injury and fears having to flee their home again: She learns to tie her shoes and keeps them ready, putting them on when she worries the war is returning. Ibtisam lacks a sense of safety in their temporary housing with Hamameh and again when she returns home. Ibtisam’s fears reveal the loss of childhood innocence. Her anxiety is caused by an adult conflict and confers adult fears and knowledge; things a young child should not have to worry about.

Ibtisam develops an early understanding of the permanence of death, which makes her fear for her family. The injured Israeli soldier makes her worry about Father’s safety, and the story of Elephant Boo makes her worry Mother will die. Ibtisam’s fear of death is part of her fear of losing her parents again. Ibtisam feels anxious about losing Maha and her newborn brother. She takes on an adult role of protector, vowing not to let them get left behind as she was if war returns.

Ibtisam’s parents make decisions that Ibtisam and her brothers do not understand or agree with and which cause feelings of instability and even doubt about their parents’ love. Mother’s choice to place the children in an orphanage is contrary to everything Ibtisam wants and feels she needs as a child: the security of being together and the certainty of feeling loved. In the orphanage, she loses her parents again and loses her brothers until she is once again “alone.” She feels that Mother abandoned them, even if it was for the family’s safety. Similarly, Father’s decision to kill Zuraiq despite his promises, and his adult reasoning shatters their trust in him. The circumcision process is equally traumatic, as none of the children understand what is going to happen. Ibtisam is also insecure and anxious about Mother’s love, which she fears is conditional. Ibtisam feels that the onus is on her to be good enough to keep Mother’s love. Mother and Father do not emotionally prepare Ibtisam and her brothers to cope with these different losses and fears, and the children are left with emotional wounds and loss of innocence.

There were happy times in Ibtisam’s childhood: treats brought by her beloved Father, the festive picnic after Basel and Muhammad complete first grade, and their joy when they all return to their home after their days as war refugees. Ibtisam remembers these events as well and ultimately finds solace in describing her childhood, good and bad, its losses and happy moments. In telling her story, the girl Ibtisam used to be “smiles.” In the process of remembering, Ibtisam begins to “return to all of [herself],” acknowledging painful parts of her life she had suppressed (169). In the author interview following her memoir, Ibtisam declares that she wished she had known when she was young to trust herself and realize that “I have a compass in me and it knows my purpose, my dreams, my destination. If I ask it, it tells me where the right direction is at any moment (179).

In an interview with Robert Hirschfield, Ibtisam shares that “Part of me has remained a child because of that war [ …] So part of me is in complete empathy with all children, and the parts of people that are children” (Hirschfield, Robert. “Author Ibtisam Barakat Unites English Language, Palestinian Memory.” Washington Report on Middle East Affairs, July 2007). Ibtisam partially dedicates her memoir to “children everywhere” showing her understanding of their joys and fears.