Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

In Part 4, Goleman explores The Neurobiology of Relationship Dynamics, describing and differentiating the neurobiological bases of different aspects of romantic love. He shows how the complementary mental processes of attachment, caregiving, and sex combine to create a uniquely strong and supportive union. Goleman explains that most pathways for love travel the “low road,” which preceded the rational brain in evolutionary development. The first step in forming a romantic union is attachment, and Goleman ties this directly to the attachment that infants seek from their caregivers. He draws parallels between the “protoconversation” of infants and caregivers and the nonverbal language of flirting and intimacy, explaining that they operate in different ways to fulfill the same need.

Goleman describes female flirting as an “approach-withdrawal sequence” (190), testing the commitment and drive of the prospective partner. He ties this to the claim that in order for mammals to reproduce successfully, they require a father’s help to keep the newborns alive and thriving. Therefore, he claims that the initial “chase” of flirting tests a potential partner’s persistence. Flirtation, if continued and pursued, can become attachment, with the “high” road first evaluating the compatibility and potential of the prospective partner before committing to further contact.

Once a relationship is started, the partners become mutual caregivers to one another, expressing concern for the other person and trying to anticipate their needs. Goleman again points out how similar this behavior is to an infant with their caregiver, only in this case, both parties get to enjoy both roles, being infant and caregiver simultaneously.

The third and final aspect of romantic love that Goleman considers is sex and sexuality. It’s important to note that Goleman’s analysis is confined to heterosexual pairings between cisgender men and women. Within these relationships, he says, a man is aroused by the sight of his partner, while women are more aroused when they feel mutual attention and have created positive memories with their partner. This implies that sexual arousal for women is tied to a feeling of trust and respect, based on their relationship up until that point. However, evidence also points to the fact that for many women, sexual arousal can begin as an olfactory impression, just as a man’s arousal starts from a visual one.

Goleman notes, “The very sight of her delights him, and his scent readies her for love” (201), indicating that the neurobiology of sex between partners is a combination of different sensory triggers that build arousal.

In describing how attachment can become maladaptive in a partnership, Goleman offers an anecdote about an independent woman and her clingy male partner who demands sex whenever she arrives at home, regardless of her inclination. Goleman points out that this speaks to insecure and anxious attachment on the part of the man, showing how childhood-based attachment strategies can affect later romantic partnerships.

At many points throughout the book, Goleman uses brief anecdotes to illustrate the complex neurological and psychological concepts he describes. He draws his anecdotes from a wide variety of sources—some from his own life or the lives of his friends, some from his work as a professor and clinician, and some from history and literature. This rhetorical strategy grounds what would otherwise be an abstract discussion in concrete experience, and it is a common device in books—like this one—that aim to explain cutting-edge scientific concepts for a general audience. This particular anecdote highlights an aspect of The Modern Science of Social Pathology that Goleman returns to throughout the book: that maladaptive and harmful patterns of thought and behavior often arise from the same neurobiological processes that—in different circumstances—give rise to positive and beneficial ones.

The three parts of romantic love mix to allow partners to act as “secure bases” for one another. The “secure base” or “safe base,” Goleman argues, is a key aspect of positive social relationships of all kinds—not only between romantic partners but also between parents and children, between close friends, and even between managers and employees. In all these cases, it means that the relationship offers a place of stability and trust that empowers each person take risks and to face the sometimes challenging nature of the world outside that base.

The “secure base” of a positive partnership is shown to increase both partners’ altruism and empathy toward the outer world. Lacking a secure base, people are more likely to witness fear and become afraid themselves, rather than act to alleviate that fear. Empathy, a “low road” emotion, is deeply affected by anxiety, and those in less secure relationships can become overwhelmed by others’ anguish and effectively paralyzed. The closer and more bonded a couple is, the more compassion they have toward others.

Goleman cautions that no relationship is perfect, and it doesn’t need to be in order to be healthy and positive. Although all relationships face challenges, Goleman cites research showing that couples whose positive experiences outweigh negative ones at a ratio of about five to one are the most resilient, often lasting into old age.