Same As It Ever Was: A Novel

Fiction | Novel | Adult | Published in 2024

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Summary

Background

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Part 1, Chapters 1-12

Part 1, Chapters 13-24

Part 2

Part 3

Character Analysis

Themes

Symbols & Motifs

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Tools

Beta

Discussion Questions

Themes

Love and Sexual Desire in Marriage

Same as It Ever Was explores the elements of a relationship and marriage, including love and sexual desire. Although Julia and Mark consistently express love for one another throughout their relationship, their connection sometimes wanes. In these moments, sexual intimacy and physical affection often confirm and reinvigorate their love. However, Julia strays from their relationship with Nathaniel when she feels sexually disconnected from her husband.

The novel’s opening chapters establish the fluctuations in Julia and Mark’s physical intimacy over time and its relationship to the strength of their marriage. In the main timeline, when they’re middle-aged, on Mark’s birthday, he puts his “hand at the nape of her neck, kneading gently” (15). That evening, they engage in light bondage and have sex, falling asleep curled together. This establishes that in midlife their love for one another is strong despite their disagreements and arguments.

This dynamic contrasts with Julia and Mark’s lack of sexual intimacy and subsequent lack of communication 20 years earlier when Ben was a young child. Julia was bored, thinking to herself, “How dull their life had become […] Remember our honeymoon in Greece, she did not say. Remember when we had sex standing up in an alley in Corfu […] remember when we had sex in the bathroom of Frank’s Nursery & Crafts […]” (19). Later, after a date, Mark attempted to initiate sexual intimacy, but she rejected him. This was the lowest point in their relationship, and Julia instead sought sexual gratification from Nathaniel, a relative stranger. With him, she “felt herself weaken, emit a little moan” (118). Although she found Nathaniel’s personality dull and annoying, sex with him had a novelty that was missing from sex with Mark.

Crucially, despite this sexual affair, she still loves Mark, which reveals a complex dynamic. Following the birth of her child, Julia felt alienated from her body and experienced low self-esteem. This led to a decline in her sex drive. When a young man sexually desired her despite her being a mother (a role often seen as a matronly and sexless), it gratified both her sexual needs and her need for self-confidence. Despite this, she still depends on Mark for love, support, and stability, and she recommits, even suggesting that they have a second child.

When Mark and Julia decide to actively restore their love after her affair, they express their recommitment through physical intimacy. Julia’s proposal that they try to have another child is in part a desire for sex with Mark. They reaffirm their love for one another and then kiss. Following this, their life takes a new direction, and they work to revitalize their relationship. This scene shows how love and sexual desire are closely interlinked in their marriage.

Transformation of Parent-Child Relationships Over Time

The novel focuses on how parent-child relationships change over time as both parents’ and children’s lives evolve. As the novel illustrates, when children are young, they’re entirely dependent on their parents and love them without question. As children mature, however, their needs change, and they more often conflict with—while also gaining a better understanding of—their parents. The novel traces these transformations largely through two sets of parent-child relationships: Julia’s relationships with her mother, Anita, and with her children.

In the current timeline, Julia’s children are both on the precipice of independent new beginnings. Ben is getting married and planning to have his own children, while Alma is about to go to university in Iowa. This prompts Julia to reflect on her relationship with her children when they were small and entirely dependent on her. These moments can be both suffocating and delightful. At one point when Ben was young, she thought to herself, “Mama’s got to be alone today or she might self-immolate” (25). Minutes later, she was having fun driving with Ben as they both sing along to The Replacements’ Pleased to Meet Me album after he refuses to go to preschool. In contrast, her current relationship with her children, who are now young adults, is sometimes strained but more deeply fulfilling: They can be short with their mother, impatient with her shortcomings, but also have a greater understanding of Julia as a human, not just a mom. Julia frequently notes these changes: “Alma had been a wildly clingy kid, but now she is a mostly autonomous and wholly inscrutable seventeen-year-old; she is mean and gorgeous and breathtakingly good at math” (11). Julia thrills at the little moments when Alma needs her but also feels gratified when Alma tries to better understand Julia by asking about her relationship with Anita. When her children were small, Julia had to provide most of the support in the relationship. Now that her children are older, Julia learns that she can come to depend on them in turn for support.

Julia’s rocky relationship with her mother mirrors this dynamic except that Julia had the role of child instead. As a poor working-class single mother, Anita felt overwhelmed by Julia’s needs as a small child, especially when Julia’s father left them, and acted cruelly toward her. When Julia asserted her independence by leaving for university, Anita felt rejected and extraneous. Only as adults do Julia and Anita learn to see each other as fully realized human beings who can reach a sort of mutual understanding.

Personal Identity and Motherhood

Throughout the novel, Julia interrogates her personal identity as it relates to her role as a mother. She struggles with—and revels in—being someone whose children rely on her while also pursuing her own happiness. At moments, her role as a mother is her primary identity, while at other times she seeks to escape this definition and assume her own autonomy and agency.

The novel establishes this complicated dynamic through a scene when Ben was young and Mark encouraged Julia to do “[m]om things.” Julia retorted, “I just don’t understand what you mean by mom things. […] It’s not like being a mom is a different—species or something” (20). This expressed Julia’s desire to not be entirely defined by her role as mother. She acted on this desire in a various ways, including through her ill-fated affair with Nathaniel. When she realized that Nathaniel’s desire for her was at least partly grounded in his relationship with his mother, Helen, she broke it off permanently. Instead, she channeled this energy into a more productive expression of her autonomy by taking a part-time job at the library.

Despite her occasional reticence to see herself as a mother, Julia deeply loves her children, so she consistently and actively pushes herself to be a “normal” mom. This perspective derives in part from her desire to not make the same mistakes her mother did during Julia’s childhood. For instance, in deciding to let Ben play hooky from preschool, she reflects, “[T]hat was what you were supposed to do, wasn’t it, put your own kids first no matter what, no matter how much you wanted to go rogue?” (25). Julia berates herself when she falls short of these self-imposed expectations, such as when she reflects that “she promised she’d be present and lively” (50) but feels she’s nurturing only when she holds Ben at night. These reflections show how seriously she takes her role and identity as a mother.

Ultimately, Julia successfully integrates her personal identity into her role as a mother. This is in part evident in the way she shares her love of music with her children and how that love has been adopted by them. As a 20-something in Chicago, Julia often went to shows, a sign of her creativity and independence. Later, she plays her favorite music for her children, even music that may not be typically considered appropriate for children, such as the album Slanted and Enchanted by Pavement. As young adults, Julia’s children love the music that she introduced them to, and it forms an important element of their bond. The ultimate expression of Julia’s blended identity of self and mother is when the family dances together at Ben’s wedding.