Ordinary People

Outside the locker room, Conrad can hear his teammates getting ready to see a film together. Lazenby asks if he can invite Conrad, which ignites a series of groans from the group. They accuse him of being a flake, but Lazenby defends him, telling them that Conrad is his friend. Conrad doesn’t stick around to hear them talk any further and retreats to confront Salan.

As expected, Salan is cruel to Conrad. He says that Conrad is throwing his life away by quitting the swim team and threatens that this decision will be final: Conrad will not be welcomed back on the team. Conrad makes it clear that he understands and leaves.

Conrad rides home with Lazenby and the others, and Lazenby asks if he wants to go to the movie with them. Conrad declines the offer, saying he has to stay home and study. He also won’t be riding to school with them in the morning. Conrad thinks to himself, “Let them find out from Salan that he is finished with them” (84). Without saying another word, he gets out of the car and walks inside.

Conrad isn’t ready to tell his parents about quitting the swim team. He doesn’t want them to ask questions or start worrying about him again. However, his mindset is starting to improve. He reminds himself that he “cannot manufacture desire when there is no spark at all to build on. This was not a mistake, what happened today. This could not be seen as a failure” (84). He still has trouble sleeping that night, but things aren’t yet as bad as they were before when he wasn’t sleeping at all.

Ray enters Cal’s office to let him know that Cherry, the secretary, is out of sorts because she broke up with her boyfriend. Cal has a hard time imagining that she has such a capacity for emotion. He catches himself: “[h]e has become immune to the sufferings of others. I don’t give a damn. Let them hurt” (87). Bacon always said that suffering was meant to teach you something, but Cal disagrees. His own situation proves it.

He runs into Carole Lazenby, who asks how his son is doing, and they agree that their sons don’t seem to spend as much time together as they used to. Carole remarks that she envies Beth because “[s]he’s a perfectionist. And yet she never lets herself get trapped into things she doesn’t want to do” (89).

Cal remembers a time Beth did feel trapped. When the boys were toddlers, Beth was overwhelmed by the havoc wreaked on their house and grew furious over the messes they made. Cal learned it was useless to grow angry with her; “certain things drove her to the point of madness” (90), and Cal worked with her to maintain a spotless, perfect household. For a while, he appreciated the order that Beth’s perfectionism brought to their lives. However, after the sailing accident, Cal was forced to admit that not even the most seemingly perfect family is immune to chance.

At home, Cal reads the paper as Beth tells him about her day. She ran into Nancy Hanley, Ray’s wife. Cal is only paying attention halfway but eventually puts down the paper to discuss his idea for Conrad’s Christmas gift: a car. Beth is indifferent and wants Cal to pick it out. Cal wants the gift to be special; he wants it to fix his son, though he knows it isn’t that simple. He thinks that Conrad has seemed better since Thanksgiving, though he can’t decipher if it’s real or if he only hopes that he’s better.

Cal reflects on how Nancy told him to tell Beth how lucky she is to have Cal as a husband. She was referring to an affair Ray had a few years back with his secretary, Lynn. Nancy wishes she never learned about the affair; she preferred the illusion of Ray’s faithfulness.

Conrad arrives home and shows his parents the A on his trig quiz. Cal praises him for his hard work, and for a moment, it feels as if they are an ordinary family once again. For the first time in a while, the idea of a return to normal doesn’t feel so far away.

Without swim practice, Conrad has time to figure out what he likes. He spends more time in nature, birdwatching. At school, Lazenby drills him on why he quit the swim team. Eventually, Conrad admits that he overheard the boys talking about him but insists that isn’t the only reason he quit. Lazenby begs Conrad to open up; he hasn’t been himself, and Lazenby just wants to talk. They argue and ultimately leave with the tension still hanging in the air. Conrad doesn’t understand why Lazenby or anyone else cares since they were Buck’s friends to begin with, not his.

Dr. Berger asks Conrad why he hasn’t told his parents about quitting the swim team. Conrad says he doesn’t want to worry his father, and when Dr. Berger asks about his mother, Conrad says she wouldn’t care to begin with since they are not close. Conrad says he doesn’t feel any one way about it. Dr. Berger can see that something else is bothering him, but he won’t talk about it. Dr. Berger warns that there might be “a connection here, between control and this […] lack of feeling” (99). Conrad shrugs him off, saying he does have feelings. Dr. Berger advises that in order to feel better, he might have to allow himself to feel worse first.

As the holidays approach, Conrad spends some of his afternoons Christmas shopping. On one of these outings, he runs into Jeanine Pratt. They make some small talk, and she compliments his singing. This is high praise coming from Jeanine, who has applied for a music scholarship at the University of Michigan and takes private lessons with Faughnan. Conrad has seen the lessons a few times. As she sings, Faughnan corrects her, and she tries again, “all the time looking as if she is the music itself” (101). Conrad finds the courage to ask her out for a Coke at the café around the corner. Jeanine accepts his invitation.

When they first sit down, they have a hard time finding much to talk about. Soon, the nervousness falls away, and they have a wonderful time together. He can’t help but notice her eyes are a startling blue, very similar to Dr. Berger’s eyes. All too soon, she announces that she has to go take care of her little brother. He is 11 and will be upset if she doesn’t return on time. She asks Conrad if he has any siblings, and Conrad shakes his head. Jeanine tells him that he’s lucky, and the two of them part ways.

Their conversation triggers a memory of Conrad and Buck skiing. Conrad waits for the pain that usually comes from remembering, but instead, there is “[a]n oddly pleasant swell of memory, a wave of warmth flooding over him” (104). Conrad is surprised by this hopeful feeling and walks home.

Cal and Conrad are picking out a Christmas tree. Cal happily watches Conrad thoughtfully walk among the trees before selecting one. Earlier that day, Conrad told Cal exactly how he wanted to decorate the tree this year. Cal remembers a lunch he shared with Conrad while he was still in the hospital. Conrad was presented with a menu, but “[a]fter ten minutes, he had passed it over to Cal with a weary sigh” (107) and asked him to order instead. Picking a Christmas tree is a victory, one step closer to Conrad being better.

Beth is not too impressed with the tree at first. She asks why they can’t put up the artificial one since the real one will make a huge mess. She leaves for a meeting, and Cal and Conrad start to decorate the tree. They are nearly finished when Beth returns later that evening, and even she admits that the tree looks lovely.

Cal asks how her meeting went, and Beth reveals that Carole Lazenby asked her about Conrad quitting the swim team. Beth feels blindsided and betrayed by Conrad, who has been lying about where he’s been all these afternoons and made a fool of her in front of her friends. She demands that Conrad give her an explanation, and Conrad replies that he would have told her if she actually cared.

This statement triggers the first verbal confrontation between Beth and Conrad in the book. Conrad accuses her of only caring because someone else found out about it first. Cal tries to calm him, but Conrad steps away from his father and shouts at Beth, “You never wanted to know anything I was doing, or anything I wasn’t doing, you just wanted me to leave you alone!” (110). After years of being the docile, obedient child, Conrad lets his anger out. He reveals how abandoned he felt at the hospital while she was jet-setting around Europe instead of visiting him. He tells her about the hospital’s poor conditions, the rats in the halls, and the trauma he faced in a place that was meant to bring recovery. The argument comes to a standstill, and Conrad retreats to his bedroom.

Cal, who remained neutral during the argument and tried to ease the tension on both sides, reaches for his wife. He tries to comfort her, but she won’t allow it. She accuses him of letting Conrad disrespect them. Cal asks her to go upstairs to Conrad’s room with him, but Beth is adamant that he go alone.

Cal finds Conrad trying to sleep. He nudges his son awake so they can talk. Conrad apologizes to Cal and asks him to tell Beth he’s sorry. Cal asks why he won’t apologize himself, and Conrad tells him it wouldn’t make a difference; it wouldn’t change the way she feels about him. This is the first time Cal has heard Conrad say anything of the sort, and he presses further. Conrad admits that he thinks Beth hates him. Cal, shocked by this, asks if Dr. Berger seems to be helping. Conrad grunts that Dr. Berger is not to blame for how he feels. He is silent then, and Cal knows it’s his cue to leave.

In the wake of his argument with Beth, Conrad feels an unbearable amount of self-loathing. He knows that he can’t take his words back, and he fears Beth won’t forgive him. He isolates himself in this feeling of failure, afraid of infecting anyone else with his emotions. His only escape is choir; he throws himself into the songs and focuses on perfecting them, which allows him to temporarily forget the turmoil in his personal life.

Dr. Berger tells him that he erupted because he never allows himself to feel anything, positive or negative. When his emotions are suppressed, they eventually boil over. Dr. Berger encourages Conrad to allow himself to feel a little pain, anger, or joy instead of continuing his all-or-nothing approach.

Dr. Berger asks if Conrad has talked to his mom since the fight, and he says he hasn’t and that talking to her won’t change the way she feels about him. Dr. Berger presses him until he blurts out how he feels: She won’t forgive him for attempting suicide and the mess it made. He says, “You can’t get it out, you know! All that blood on her rug and her goddamn towels-everything had to be pitched!” (119). He tells Dr. Berger that Beth once fired a maid for not dusting properly, so there’s no way he’ll ever be forgiven for what he did.

Dr. Berger is surprised but remains calm. He asks Conrad to consider that Beth loves him as much as she can. Her capacity for love might not meet Conrad’s expectations, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist at all. Aside from that, Dr. Berger says Conrad must forgive himself to move forward. Conrad is confused, and Dr. Berger doesn’t push the issue. He tells Conrad that he can’t force people to change their nature and hints that that’s the reason behind Conrad’s suicide attempt. He tells Conrad, “[t]he body doesn’t lie” (121), and encourages him to keep in touch with his body to find the truth.

The Jarrett family celebrates Christmas at home with Beth’s parents. It is nice to enjoy home instead of spending the holiday at a hotel. Buck’s absence is strongly felt at this time of year when they would normally be playing games or making jokes that Buck started.

Conrad distributes the gifts he bought, looking to each of his family members for approval. He and Beth are cordial with each other. Cal is frustrated that they won’t talk it out, but he knows better than to force that method upon them. Conrad and Beth “are alike in this way. All healing is done from the outside in” (125). For now, he must accept their civility as a step in the right direction.

Howard, Beth’s father, points out one remaining present under the tree. Cal tells Conrad it’s for him. Inside are the keys to a car, “a green LeMans with its vinyl top” (125), which is parked in the driveway. Cal is ecstatic to present it to Conrad, but Conrad’s reaction is lackluster. He says he wasn’t expecting it, and Cal encourages him to take it for a test ride. Conrad does so, somewhat reluctantly, and Cal deflates. Conrad’s lack of excitement about the car isn’t the only thing on his mind; the whole day has felt like the family is growing apart instead of back together. He remembers that “Grief is ugly. It is isolating. It is not something to be shared with others, it is something to be afraid of, to get rid of, and fast” (127). Each of them is still grieving, albeit in their own way.

Beth enters from the kitchen. Cal tries to make small talk, but she doesn’t answer. He asks if she thinks he likes the car. Beth tells him that he worries too much, and then scolds him for moping after his surprise didn’t go as well as he hoped. She tells him that Conrad is growing up, and Cal has got to let him. Cal wonders why they have to keep grieving separately, why communicating is still so hard, and why they can’t talk about their collective loss.

Conrad decides that he needs more organization in his life, so he creates a list of goals. This feeling of getting his life on track brings him immense joy. He lists finals, exercise, friends, a job, guitar, books, and girls. As he is writing the list, he recalls that Buck used to call him “The Great Listmaker” (132). Conrad would go around making and leaving lists everywhere. He wonders if going back to his old ways is a good sign or a bad one. Either way, he feels more alive, driven, and normal than he has in a long time.

Later, as he studies in the library, he senses someone watching him. It’s an older woman, old enough to be his mother. At first, he worries that she can see the problems with his mental health. When he leaves the library, he sees her again in the parking lot. This time, he does the staring, trying to get her attention. She apologizes for embarrassing him, compliments his looks, and drives away. Conrad is stunned but looks in the mirror once he gets home and wonders if she’s right.

Dr. Berger is thrilled to hear this story. He teases Conrad about her, but he is happy to see him feeling better. He asks if there are any girls in his life, like Karen or Jeanine, and he encourages Conrad to try asking one of them out, just to see how it goes. Conrad smiles and confesses that he views him as his friend, and Dr. Berger assures him the feeling is mutual.