Ordinary Hazards

“Toughness is what I was after,

although I couldn’t have

articulated as much.

My real name huddled

behind that wall,

along with its memories.”

Nikki describes how she took on her new name as a way to leave her old self and its memories behind in the past. Memory and the past are important threads in the book, and Nikki Grimes explores how her recollections of events have been affected by the trauma of the events themselves. This gives rise to the theme of The Impact of Trauma on Memory. Grimes’s confession about her name also suggests that, despite the book being a memoir, there is some distinction between “Nikki” as the protagonist and persona in the book, and the whole, entire person that the author is.

“Things long forgotten

keep slipping through,

like the angels who

appeared at night to visit me

when I was two or three,

bright lights sent

as silent proof

that God

was always

near.”

Nikki likens the memories that come back to her to the angels who visited her when she was young. Nikki’s faith in God is an important and powerful force in her life from the very beginning. Her belief in God’s protection over her gives her a great deal of hope and resilience that allows her to survive the many traumatic experiences she has. This is explored in the theme of The Role of Emotional Support in Building Resilience.

“No one warned me

the world was full of

ordinary hazards

like closets with locks and keys.”

Nikki describes the abuse she and Carol faced at the hands of the “Demon” babysitter when they were little. Thus, she views closets with locks and keys as “ordinary hazards.” Locks and keys are an important symbol in the book, signifying how Nikki faced danger from people and places that one expects safety and security from. This passage is also where the book derives its title.

“On the face of it,

we had family aplenty.

One question,

never answered:

Where were they all

when Carol and I

were small?”

Nikki reflects on how she had an abundance of relatives, even naming them all. Their absence and the lack of help that she and Carol received as young girls is an extremely debilitating experience. It leaves Nikki with the unfortunate sense that she and Carol are undeserving of love and contributes to her wariness in trusting adults to give her care and affection later on. While this mistrust is unfounded and eventually overcome in the case of the Buchanans, it is also unfortunately proven right with Clark.

“Author and storyteller,

I cry out for order,

logical sequences,

and smooth transitions.

A modicum of skill

allows me to create as much—

in story. But here?

Where is the chronology of a life

chaotic from the start?”

In an interlude reflecting on The Impact of Trauma on Memory, Grimes describes how she is unable to find neat chronology when counting the events of her life, because of how chaotic her childhood was. Interludes such as these help Grimes as the author alerts the reader to both the subjectivity of her perspective and the truth of her experiences: The trauma that she underwent impacted her memory of events, and this comes through in the narrative.

“I leaped out of bed, switched on the light,

grabbed a piece of paper and a pen,

stabbed the page, and let my thoughts gush like a geyser,

shooting high into the moonless sky,

then falling down on the page I held captive

till every line was stained with my feelings and

the heat of them finally had a chance to cool, and

suddenly, I could breathe, breathe, breathe and

there was once again room enough in my head

and my heart to just—be.”

Unable to sleep with all the thoughts crowding her head, Nikki finally turns to writing to help express everything she is thinking and feeling. This is the first time she attempts something like this and discovers that writing can be cathartic. Soon after this, she finally falls asleep peacefully for the first time in months. The Healing Power of Creative Expression is an important central theme in the book, and this is the moment when Nikki’s journey with writing begins.

“A few words—just enough

to remind this outsider

who she didn’t belong to.

For me,

this beautiful family

was only

borrowed.”

Grace, one of the Buchanan children, makes a mean comment about Nikki’s not belonging in the family. Despite understanding that the Buchanans’ household is a safe and loving one, it takes Nikki years to settle in before she truly feels at home and part of the family; instances like this contribute to her wariness. Ironically, just as she does begin to fully embrace life in Ossining, Bernice uproots her and takes her away to Brooklyn.

“I wasn’t sure

what kind of answer that was,

but I couldn’t help thinking

maybe Carol and me

should’ve been little boys.”

To Nikki’s question, her father confesses that he let her and Carol go to foster care because he didn’t know how to care for two young girls. These are the instances in which Grimes allows the reader to see how, despite his love her his daughters, her father was a far-from-perfect parent. He refused to take responsibility for his young daughters, causing Carol, a child herself, to step in and do more than she should have at her age. Nikki’s dissatisfaction with her father’s answer and the partial self-blame also shows how her self-worth was deeply affected by the lack of love and consistency in her early life.

“Funny how

on the train

back to Ossining,

I find myself thinking

I’ll be glad

to get home.”

Over the years spent with the Buchanans, Nikki comes to love and feel safe with the family; thus, Ossining becomes home. Nikki’s trips to see her parents are important to her, as she still longs for parental connection. However, at this point in her life, these visits feel more obligatory than anything else, especially with her mother. Ossining and the Buchanans’ place are where she truly feels comfortable and secure now.

“Lori’s mom said we can’t be friends anymore.

Through the screen door, I hear her dad call me N*****.

He spits the word out, so I know it’s ugly. Why doesn’t Lori

say anything?”

As Nikki grows up, she has unfortunate experiences that alert her to the reality of being a Black person. Her fractured relationship with her once-best-friend Lori is one such experience. Lori’s racist parents force the end of the girls’ friendship. Nikki has another unpleasant experience at school, when her teacher gives her a different role in the ballet recital because she is the only Black dancer. Nikki, still recovering from the trauma of her early life, is beginning to contend with a different kind of heartache now.

“Leaving the Buchanans felt

impossible

but I had to go.

How could I say no?

One mother is all you get,

and I wasn’t ready

to give up on her yet.”

Bernice decides that Nikki will come and live with her and Clark. Nikki is reluctant to go, but she feels she should because Bernice is her mother. Nikki’s relationship with her mother changes over the years. She moves from craving her mother’s love and affection to upholding a relationship out of obligation. At one point, she chooses to stay on because this same obligation makes her feel protective over Bernice. Eventually, however, Nikki realizes that neither can she depend on her mother for emotional support or nourishment, nor does she owe her mother the same.

“I scramble for my inhaler,

count to ten,

and pray to God

I never have to

switch schools

midterm

again.”

Nikki almost has an asthma attack when she realizes how much she has to catch up on at her new school after moving schools mid-term because of Bernice. This passage highlights a number of things: firstly, the constant stress and anxiety Nikki faced because of the instability Bernice brought to her life in different ways; secondly, Nikki’s fierce desire to do well in school, showing her intelligence and motivation; and finally, her ever-present faith in God that sees her through all the challenging moments of her life.

“I kept my eyes closed,

but I was thinking, Luck has nothing to do with it.

My heart said it was God.

Down in my bones, I knew I was one of the sparrows

God keeps his eye on, and I was pretty sure

he was saving me for something. I just didn’t know what.”

Nikki receives an appendectomy in the nick of time, and she reflects on how it is not luck but God’s grace that saved her life. Nikki’s unwavering faith gives her a feeling of protractedness, but also purpose and hope, during the darkest times of her life. Her belief that God has saved her life for a reason gives her the strength to go on, as she believes she will eventually discover what she is meant to do with her life.

“A magic pass

I used to climb into

other people’s skin

any old time

I needed.”

Nikki describes what a library card means to her. During her years spent living with Bernice and Clark, the library and literature are the means she used to escape the trauma of her actual life. The role that books and stories played in Nikki’s life at this point underlines the theme of The Healing Power of Creative Expression.

“I caught Mom reading about

the Freedom Rides

and was well-versed in the

horrors of lynching

long before puberty.

The ghost of Emmett Till hung heavy

from the time I was five.”

Nikki describes her reasons for not visiting her great-grandmother down in the South. This passage reveals two important things: Firstly, it offers a glimpse of Bernice as a woman beyond just her role as a mother. She is civic-minded and socially and politically aware, a suggestion backed up by her involvement in numerous committees, or her devastation at John F. Kennedy’s assassination later in the book. Secondly, it shows how, as Nikki grows, she is developing a burgeoning sense of identity as a Black person and what this means in the world she lives in.

“My spiral notebook bulges

with poems and prayers

and questions only God

can answer. Rage burns the pages,

but better them

than me.”

Nikki continues to write in her notebooks about all the things she experiences during her time with Bernice and Clark. Her motivation to do so reveals her emotional maturity: Nikki understands the importance of self-expression, lest the repressed feelings cause her emotional harm over time. She continues to direct her writing at God, showing her continued faith and her belief that someone is listening to her.

“My breathing slowed,

and I began to shake,

staring at the deadly weapons

connected to my wrists,

the pair of hands

that nearly killed a man.

How could they be mine?”

Nikki almost stabs Clark when she discovers that he pushed Bernice down the stairs. When her rage calms, she is horrified at what she had almost done. Nikki’s reaction shows that while she is only human, and given to feeling vengeful and violent at times, she also consciously chooses to act differently. Despite the violence and abuse she has experienced over her lifetime, she does not want to retaliate the same way.

“Altogether,

1963 was a terrible, horrible,

no-good, very bad year.”

Nikki reflects on how 1963 was a bad year. Her home life was traumatic because of Clark and Bernice, but her assertion in this case is additionally related to John F. Kennedy’s assassination in the same year. This showcases Nikki’s sense of identity as a Black person, as she considers both the personal and political tragedies in her life when declaring the year a bad one. Additionally, her word choice reflects how Nikki was well-read: The phrase “terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad” is a reference to the children’s book by Judith Viorst: Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (1972).

“But how can I miss

window, floor, or banister

when that house flooded with

an ocean of ugliness

that practically

swept me away?”

After moving into a new house in Washington Heights, Nikki reflects on how she is unable to miss any part of her old home because of the horrible experiences she had there. This is a drastically different response than with the move at the end of Book Two. Moving away from Ossining was a heartbreaking and conflicting experience, because of the Buchanans; moving away from Brooklyn is almost joyous, as it means leaving Clark behind for good.

“Think food,

and nourishment

comes to mind,

but we all know

it’s so much more.

One bite of baked pineapple,

and my tongue sticks

to the roof of memory,

gluing me to the last moment

I savored a slice of

pineapple upside-down cake

at my grandmother’s kitchen table.”

In Book Four, the interludes about memory are centered around specific memories Nikki now recalls, rather than describing the memories she has lost. These interludes together help trace how Nikki’s trauma is slowly healing. This specific memory also alludes to the effort that Grandma Mac makes with Nikki to make amends for having effectively abandoned her in the past. Grimes once again displays literariness, her reflection about food and memory calling to Marcel Proust’s similar descriptions surrounding madeleines in his novel, In Search of Lost Time (1917).

“Pent-up anger

proved a dangerous thing,

and I could no longer allow it.

From that day forward,

if someone or something bothered me,

I voiced it on the spot.

No more messing around

with emotional dynamite.

Not for me.”

After beating up a girl who bothered her at school, Nikki decides that she will not keep her anger pent-up anymore, lest she give in to violence again. Once again, Nikki makes a conscious choice to avoid violence, displaying her emotional maturity. It also helps that she is equipped with writing as a tool of self-expression to enable this sublimation.

“Everyone has a nexus,

that place on the map

of your life where

who you were born to be

is clearly marked.

For me, that was

104 W. 136th Street—

the Countee Cullen Library

in Harlem.”

Nikki pinpoints the moment in her life when she discovers her purpose: A poetry reading at the Countee Cullen Library in Harlem. Nikki’s father is the one who brings her to the reading, and his constant involvement in her writing and efforts to expose her to different forms of art and culture help cement their bond. The library’s location also explains why Harlem is such a huge part of Nikki’s identity.

“[T]he more I read,

the madder I got,

and I already

had reason

to scream,

but my father

kept me dreaming

of what words

I might bring

to the world.”

Nikki reads a great amount of writing about the Black experience and from the African diaspora, courtesy her father. She imbibes both the social injustices that have been leveled against her people for centuries and the power that words can hold. Nikki’s response here indicates not just the consolidation of her identity as a Black person but her ability to hold rage and transform it into real change. She demonstrates this ability throughout her life.