On My Honor

“Seeing his father and the firm grip he maintained on Bobby’s hand gave Joel an idea. He would ask for permission to ride his bike out to Starved Rock. He wouldn’t mention about the bluffs, of course. He wouldn’t have to. His father was sure to say that the ride to the park was too far, too dangerous.” 

Joel doesn’t want to tell Tony “no” because he doesn’t want to seem childish and afraid. He decides to ask his father if they can go to the park because he is sure that his father will not give them permission. Rather than being honest, he attempts to manipulate the situation by lying to both Tony and his dad. This is Joel’s first dishonorable action.

“Joel’s father didn’t take his eyes off of Joel’s face. ‘On your honor?’ he said. ‘You’ll watch for traffic, and you won’t go anywhere except the park? You’ll be careful the whole way? ‘On my honor,’ Joel repeated, and he crossed his heart, solemnly, then raised his right hand.”

The promise that Joel makes to his father at the beginning of the book frames the entire narrative. The significance of the title is established in this moment of trust between a father and son. Joel’s breakdown over his lies and his grief teaches him what honor means.

“Tony’s exuberance knew no bounds. He rode in figure eights or in circles that occupied both lanes of the nearly deserted highway. Once he tried a square and nearly toppled off Joel’s bike.” 

Tony is full of life, which is why Joel admires him and goes along with his plans, even if those plans involve danger. Tony’s curiosity, stubbornness, and accident-prone nature lead him to frequently injure himself.

“‘I’m just waiting for you to drown,” Joel answered. ‘I just want to see it so I can tell your folks.’ ‘Keep them from worrying,’ Tony tossed back. ‘Keep your mom from waiting supper,’ Joel replied.” 

Joel hasn’t yet waded into the water because he is hesitant to enter the river, and the boys exchange lighthearted jokes about Tony drowning. This exchange highlights the connection that Tony and Joel have as friends who love to banter and tease each other, while also foreshadowing Tony’s death.

“What right did Tony have to make fun of his father? ‘At least my dad doesn’t go around hitting kids with a belt,’ he said, stepping closer to Tony and clenching his fists. Tony went white around the mouth, and Joel was instantly sorry that he had picked on Tony’s father.” 

The hostilities between the boys flare when they argue about their parents. When Joel makes a cruel, cutting remark about Tony’s father, Tony becomes belligerent and gets out of the water. Tony is very hurt and feels the need to prove himself, so when Joel dares him to swim to the sandbar, Tony wants to defend his father and himself. Realizing how the comment affected Tony, Joel regrets it, but he never has the chance to apologize to Tony.

“Maybe Tony knew his form was bad, and he was embarrassed. He’d probably never had lessons at the Y like most of the kids, and the last thing in the world he was ever willing to do was admit that there was something he didn’t know.”

There are many clues strewn throughout the novel that Tony is far more naïve and fearful than he acts. Joel characterizes Tony as a bold jokester with little fear of authority, but Tony is afraid to admit that he never learned to swim. His inability to swim is a secret he kept from Joel that has tragic consequences for everyone.

“He should have thought of practicing in the river himself. It had been a good idea. Tony was full of good ideas. When they both reached the sandbar, he would apologize, tell Tony he was sorry for what he’d said about his dad. He’d tell him he was sorry about saying Tony would be afraid to swim a little ways, too.”

Regret is prominent throughout this story, as Joel and his father carry deep remorse. When Joel swims to the sandbar, he considers the things he will tell Tony once the race is done. He thinks of his last words to Tony repeatedly throughout the story, wishing he weren’t so negative and hurtful.

“Joel could see everything with a sharp, terrible clarity: the river water he vomited, the bare roots of a tree thrust above the water, the steady progress of the river toward...where did it go? Toward the Illinois River. And the Illinois River emptied into the Mississippi. Didn’t it? They had studied rivers in school, but he couldn’t remember.” 

The author gives a vivid description of the sensations Joel experiences in the terrifying moments after Tony disappears and his muddled thoughts. He wonders about where the river goes but cannot recall because his mind is racing. Joel is in fight-or-flight mode, uncertain whether to run, keep looking for Tony in the river, or call for help.

“The boy shrugged. He spoke between deep, quavering breaths. ‘Look...do you know...how long...it takes somebody...to drown?’ Joel didn’t answer. He hadn’t thought about it. Besides, he didn’t want to know. ‘About five minutes, I’d say.’” 

The teenage boy realistically responds to the stressful situation, trying his best to help but quickly realizing that there is no way Tony is still alive. In these circumstances, the age difference between Joel, who just completed sixth grade, and the older boy seems far greater than a couple of years. Joel deals with an adult situation as a child would: Though Joel is not a small child and sees himself as mature, there is a stark contrast between himself and the older teenager, who knows how easily someone can drown.

“When the door opened, though, it was Mr. Zabrinsky standing there, a heavy, leather belt in his hand. Joel could feel the cold sweat breaking out along his sides. If the police didn’t get him, Tony’s father would for sure. ‘I’ll go to the police,’ he said. ‘I promise.’” 

Joel imagines a terrible punishment will befall him. He is especially fearful of Mr. Zabrinsky’s reaction because he previously witnessed him take a belt to Tony. This fear drives him to make another false promise to the teenager who helped him look for Tony in the water.

“Something was wrong. Tony had never folded his clothes in his life, not unless his mother was standing over him anyway. Joel reached down and mussed the shirt.” 

After leaving the bank and taking off on his bike away from home, Joel returns to the spot where Tony jumped into the river. He is mourning his friend and attempting to think of a story he can tell his family to conceal his irresponsibility. The contrast between tenderly folding his dead friend’s clothing into a neat pile and then messing it up captures his conflicted emotions: He is torn between mourning his friend and concealing his disobedience.

“For an instant Joel couldn’t breathe. His throat closed, and the air trapped in his chest in a painful lump. He lifted his hands in surprise, in supplication, but when the breath exploded from him again it brought with it a bleating moan. Joel stood on the bank clutching at himself and swaying. Tony was dead...dead.”

The author depicts the stages of grief through Joel’s body language and cries, using evocative language to capture the painful intensity. Joel vacillates between denial and shock in the first moments after he comes up from the water and notices Tony has disappeared. Now he can no longer deny the event, and the death becomes real.

“Joel squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. Then he stopped, breathed again, sniffed. What was the smell in the air? Almost like...almost exactly like dead fish. Joel sniffed his arm, his shirt. That’s where it was coming from...him.” 

The first couple of times that Joel notices the smell of the river on himself, the author makes it ambiguous whether the smell is real or imagined by Joel. It becomes clear later that there is no smell; it is a manifestation of Joel’s imagination. Joel’s guilt causes him to become paranoid and believe he is drenched in the river’s scent of decay and rot. This symbol of guilt gives insight into Joel’s desperation: He cannot remove the smell from himself no matter what he does.

“Why did he feel so responsible, as though he had pushed Tony in? Why did he always have to feel responsible for everything that happened?” 

Joel is characterized as highly mature and trustworthy, positive qualities for which he is praised. When he goes against these traits, a series of terrible events occur. The negative side of Joel’s typically high moral standards is that when something goes wrong or he is disobedient, he cannot forgive himself. He feels he killed Tony, which is why he cannot just tell the truth. Joel is torn between his desire to be seen as honorable and the need to do the truly honorable thing.

“‘Maybe I shouldn’t have told you,’ she said. ‘Maybe he wouldn’t want you to know. He tried swimming lessons once, but he was always afraid of the water.’” 

This is an instance of dramatic irony, as Joel knows that Tony is dead but Mrs. Zabrinsky does not, so she still thinks her son might be embarrassed. This moment also deepens our understanding of Tony’s personality. Though they were friends for their entire lives, Joel didn’t know everything about Tony. Tony was more complex and sensitive than Joel knew, another secret that contributed to bringing about the tragedy.

“He wanted to turn away, to run at last, but his feet refused to carry him in that direction. Instead, he stumbled toward his father, his hands raised and clenched into fists. ‘I hate you!’ he cried, pounding at his father’s chest. ‘It’s all your fault. You never should have let me go!’” 

Joel is seeking to blame someone, a natural response to an inexplicable tragedy. Once he tells the police, the Zabrinskys, and his father what happened, he wants to blame his father to escape his own responsibility. His father understands the depth of the suffering his son is experiencing and allows him to lash out, knowing that Joel’s hatred is not toward his father but toward himself.

“Didn’t he understand yet? Bad wasn’t something that could be locked out. Bad was something that came from inside when you didn’t even know it was there.” 

As Joel awaits his father’s return after speaking with the police, he is filled with self-hatred. He believes he is irredeemably bad and will never be able to move on from the guilt he feels for Tony’s death. Joel exhibits extreme thinking, seeing himself as either all good or all bad. When he feels dishonorable, he feels hopeless.

“‘Maybe,’ his father said. ‘Maybe not. There’s no way to know. You can’t live your life by maybes.’” 

After Joel continually asks his father why this had to happen and poses various hypothetical questions, his father wisely tells him that doing so is a pointless exercise that will cause more suffering. He tells Joel that he needs to continue living his life rather than languishing in despair.