Night, Mother

Jessie continues her instructions to her mother, telling her that the milkman will keep bringing milk. Petulantly, Thelma insists that she’ll never drink milk again, but Jessie is confident that Thelma won’t let it go to waste. Jessie told the milkman that she was going on vacation, which Thelma finds laughable since Jessie leaves the house only when she’s carried to an ambulance. Jessie starts to clean out the refrigerator, and Thelma peppers her with questions, some mundane and some deeply complex. She wants to know why Jessie resents her, what Jessie is thinking and feeling, and what she experienced during a seizure. Thelma asks Jessie what caused her to fall from the horse, why her husband, Cecil, divorced her, and where Jessie put Thelma’s glasses. Taken aback, Jessie tells her where to find her glasses.

Then Jessie tells her mother that Cecil left because she wouldn’t stop smoking. Thelma argues that what disturbed Cecil were Jessie’s “fits”; Jessie corrects her and tells her to call them seizures. Thelma argues, “It’s the same thing. A seizure in the hospital is a fit at home” (38). Jessie replies that they didn’t upset Cecil but that he felt guilty because he pushed her to go horseback riding. She explains, “I fell off the horse because I didn’t know how to hold on. Cecil left for pretty much the same reason” (38). Thelma reminds Jessie that Thelma caught Cecil with another woman, Agnes’s daughter and asserts that Jessie was always too good for Cecil. Jessie points out, however, that Thelma brought Cecil to the house in the first place, hiring him to build a porch she didn’t need so that she could bring the couple together. Thelma apologizes for bringing her “the wrong man” (39), but Jessie replies that he wasn’t the wrong man. She loved him and tried to be better and leave the house for him but trying wasn’t enough for him.

Thelma announces, “He was a selfish man. He told me once he hated to see people move into his houses after he built them. He knew they’d mess it up” (39). Jessie remembers some of the solidly built things he constructed for her and their son. Thelma asserts that Ricky takes after Cecil, but Jessie replies that Ricky is exactly like her: They both see the unfairness in the world, but Ricky is trying to get revenge, which will undoubtedly end with him in prison. Horrified at this prediction, Thelma urges Jessie to go to Cecil and try to reconcile. However, Jessie replies that although Cecil loved her, he needed to escape the way Jessie’s world tends to fall apart. Jessie promised to abandon Ricky and Thelma if he let her escape with him. Nevertheless, Jessie says, “You don’t pack your garbage when you move” (41). Thelma chides Jessie for calling herself garbage. Jessie assures her that the divorce was for the best.

Thelma again offers to make Jessie a caramel apple, but Jessie tells her to fetch the manicure supplies instead. Rather than leaving the room, Thelma watches as Jessie replaces the garbage bag. Trying to regain her composure, Thelma considers the phone but then decides to try another tactic, stating, “Jessie, I think your Daddy had little . . .” (41), but Jessie interjects with more household instructions about handling the trash cans. Thelma plunges ahead, asserting that she believed that Jessie’s father also had small fits but they just seemed like moments of quiet thinking. Finally, Jessie asserts that if her father had seizures, he would have known about them, and she continues to evade the subject. Thelma presses her, and Jessie relents, recognizing that her mother is simply trying to steer Jessie into talking about her own epilepsy. Jessie describes how sometimes she had a moment of dizziness at the onset, but sometimes she just woke up in different clothing and feeling terrible.

Thelma piques Jessie’s curiosity by describing how her seizures appeared from Thelma’s perspective: how her eyes widened and she fell to the ground as if boneless. When she convulsed, Thelma quickly moved Jessie’s tongue, and sometimes Jessie bit her. Thelma reveals that while Jessie was unconscious, Thelma cleaned her and changed her clothes and then called Dawson to help move her into bed. Thelma builds this up to announce that Jessie hasn’t had a seizure in a year. Jessie agrees that her medication is working, she feels much better, and her memory has improved. Thelma suddenly remembers that Loretta’s birthday is soon and suggests that they take her out to dinner. Jessie reminds her, “I won’t be here, Mama” (45). Thelma protests, and Jessie explains that her improved memory allowed her to examine her life and come to this decision.

Thelma argues that the fits weren’t her fault and that Jessie inherited them from her father. Jessie insists that they started when she fell off the horse, but Thelma reveals that Jessie had her first seizure at age five—and that Jessie’s father never knew about Jessie’s seizures or his own. Jessie is upset to learn that her mother kept this from her. Thelma blames herself for making some mistakes while raising Jessie, and Jessie replies, “It’s just a sickness, not a curse. Epilepsy doesn’t mean anything. It just is” (47). Thelma clarifies that she’s talking about Jessie’s plan to commit suicide. Jessie insists that her suicide isn’t about her mother, but Thelma argues that everything Jessie does is related to her. She pleads with Jessie to stay alive. Jessie goes into her room and returns with a box containing belongings that she wants her mother to distribute to other people.

Thelma begs Jessie to reconsider, claiming that she needs her daughter to take care of her, demanding to know how she can survive knowing that she didn’t see Jessie’s pain and that, given the chance, she wasn’t able to convince her not to die. Thelma implores Jessie to wait a few years until Thelma dies first. Jessie admonishes herself for thinking that she could have a pleasant evening with her mother and then go kill herself—but argues that her impending suicide is the only reason that they could speak so frankly and openly with each other. Jessie asks her mother to let her go, but Thelma tells her that she can’t because Jessie is her child. Jessie replies, “I am what became of your child” (50) and explains that she was once a fat, happy baby with no worries but that life turned her into someone else. She adds that if even one small thing brought her pleasure, it would be reason enough to live but that she doesn’t enjoy anything.

Thelma doesn’t understand how Jessie can choose death when Thelma finds death so frightening, never knowing when it might surprise her or what she might miss when it does. She asserts, “I can’t just sit here and say OK kill yourself if you want to” (51), and Jessie responds, “Sure you can. You just did. Say it again” (51). This response infuriates Thelma. She exclaims that she plans to stay alive until death drags her away kicking and screaming. She spits that no one will feel sorry for Jessie after she’s gone: They’ll feel sorry for Thelma and feel only shame for Jessie. Jessie snaps, “I should’ve just left a note” (52), and Thelma agrees heatedly before she catches herself, horrified, realizes what she’s said, and tries to take it back. Calmly, Jessie starts to give instructions for her funeral. Thelma, in shock, begins to give in and agree to her directions, participating in the funeral planning.

Thelma wonders what she ought to tell anyone who asks why Jessie killed herself. Jessie tells her that their evening together was just for the two of them, and Thelma should tell people that Jessie simply said, “’Night mother” (53) and then shot herself. Alternatively, she can say that Jessie cleaned the house and they shared hot chocolate but that her suicide happened unexpectedly. Jessie explains, “If they know we talked about it, they really won’t understand how you let me go” (54). Jessie tells her mother not to try to enter her room after she hears the shot but to call Dawson, then the police, and then Agnes. If she needs to keep her hands busy, Thelma should wash the pan from the cocoa until someone arrives. Thelma asks about the box of belongings that Jessie brought to the living room, and Jessie shows her the contents.

For Loretta, Jessie has a calculator that Dawson gave her when he bought a better one and wanted to hide the expenditure from his wife. Additionally, she has a bag of slippers that Loretta purchased for her over the years, none of which Jessie wore because Loretta bought them in her own size instead of Jessie’s. She has a letter to Dawson but tells Thelma that she can read it if she’d like, since it’s primarily about her. The letter includes a list of gifts to give their mother for future birthdays and Christmases, and Jessie comments that if Thelma wants anything else, she ought to add it to the list before giving the letter to Dawson. Jessie directs Thelma to call Cecil and tell him that Jessie said kind things about him. Additionally, Thelma is to ask Cecil to find Ricky, let him know what happened, and tell Ricky to come and get the watch that Jessie is leaving for him. Thelma protests that Ricky would only sell it, and Jessie expresses hope that he’ll be able to buy himself food. Thelma insists that he’ll use the money to buy drugs, and Jessie replies that she hopes he’ll get good drugs.

The rest of the box is filled with small gifts for Thelma, not things that Jessie purchased but things that she kept for her. Thelma says that she won’t want to look at them because they’ll all make her sad, but Jessie asserts that while some of the gifts are significant, many are small and meaningless. Sedately, Thelma agrees. She asks for her manicure, but Jessie replies, “It’s time for me to go, Mama” (56). Shocked, Thelma begs her to wait. Jessie explains that she wants to do it early enough that Dawson and Loretta won’t be asleep so they can come over quickly. Thelma tries to block Jessie’s path. When Jessie locks herself in her bedroom, Thelma screams, pleading and wailing, threatening to disregard Jessie’s wishes. There is a gunshot and Thelma crumples against the bedroom door. She moans, “Jessie, Jessie, child . . . Forgive me.” After a pause, she adds, “I thought you were mine” (58). Thelma stands, picks up the cocoa saucepan, and clings to it as she dials the phone. When Loretta answers, she asks for Dawson.