Marriage is a Private Affair

“Marriage is a Private Affair” is a powerful commentary on the clash between tradition and modernity in Nigeria, as well as the transformative power of love and communication in overcoming cultural differences. Achebe uses the relationship between Nnaemeka and Okeke to explore the complexities of cultural identity and the tension between individual desires and cultural expectations. At the same time, Achebe shows that cultural traditions can also be a source of strength and identity. Okeke’s attachment to traditional Igbo customs is a way for him to connect with his cultural heritage and maintain a sense of belonging in a rapidly changing world. However, Achebe also suggests that blind adherence to tradition can be harmful, particularly when it comes at the expense of important familial relationships.

The conflict between Nnaemeka and his father is representative of the larger struggle in colonial Nigerian society. Okeke’s adherence to tradition, especially around arranged marriage, is contrasted with Nnaemeka’s desire for personal autonomy and the freedom to make his own choices. The tension between the two characters is further complicated by the generational divide between parents and their children. Okeke’s inability to understand his son’s perspective and his refusal to consider the possibility of change highlight the difficulty of bridging the gap between different generations. This is a common theme in Achebe’s work, which often portrays the struggle of young people to assert their independence and find their own identities in the face of cultural expectations and family pressures.

Although the generational conflict between Okeke and Nnaemeka involves a clash of tradition versus modernity, their dynamic resists being reduced to these factors. From the outset, Nnaemeka knows his father will disapprove of his engagement to Nene because Okeke did not arrange the match and because he and Nene come from different cultural backgrounds. However, Okeke’s views on marriage are influenced not only by his Igbo heritage but also by Britain’s colonization of Nigeria. One of the primary ways that colonization’s impact appears in the story is the characters’ Christianity. For example, Okeke believes Ugoye would make an admirable wife for his son because she “has a proper Christian upbringing” and “reads her Bible very fluently” (24). In his choice of partner for his son, he has taken nothing else, most notably, his son’s feelings, into account. Okeke also departs from traditional Igbo beliefs in his rejection of pre-Christian herbalism: “Nnaemeka’s father was known to be obstinately ahead of his more superstitious neighbours in these matters” (27). Rather than following his friends’ advice and having an Igbo doctor treat Nnaemeka, Okeke hopes that his prayers will change his son’s mind.

Another way in which Achebe adds nuance to the story is through his examination of the connection between environment and social customs. The opening exchange between Nnaemeka and Nene establishes a tension between the views of people living in Lagos and those like Okeke who live “in remote parts of the country” (22). Nnaemeka understands both communities because he grew up in “in the heart of Ibibio-land” (23) and now lives in Lagos, which was the capital of Nigeria during this historical period. Nene, on the other hand, has only lived in the city, and this shapes her perspective: “In the cosmopolitan atmosphere of the city it had always seemed to her something of a joke that a person’s tribe could determine whom he married” (23). The idea of being ostracized from her in-laws never occurs to her until it becomes her reality. Although Lagos is presented as contemporary and cosmopolitan compared to Okeke’s village, Nene experiences prejudice because of her marriage there as well. The Igbo women living in the city make Nene feel like an outsider, but she eventually “broke through some of this prejudice and even began to make friends among them” (28). Her success with winning over the Igbo women in Lagos foreshadows Okeke’s eventual change of heart.

Over the course of the story, the father-son relationship deteriorates due to the central generational conflict. At the beginning, the two have a strong relationship, as demonstrated by Nene’s statement that Nnaemeka’s “father is so fond of [him]” (23). However, after learning of his son’s intention to marry Nene despite his objections, Okeke cuts himself off from Nnaemeka: “From that night the father scarcely spoke to his son” (26). The emotional pain of this sundering is illustrated by “the mutilated [wedding] picture” that causes Nene to weep (27). Although he tries to conceal his pain, Okeke also suffers psychologically and physically due to the breakdown of his relationship with his son: “By a tremendous effort of will he had succeeded in pushing his son to the back of his mind. The strain had nearly killed him” (28). The generational conflict wounds all of the characters involved.

After eight years of estrangement and stony silence between father and son, Nene’s letter and the storm work a transformation on Okeke. In literature, authors often utilize nature to illustrate characters’ emotions and inner experiences. The setting thus becomes a macrocosm reflecting the microcosm of the character’s inner world. Achebe uses this technique in the storm that rages through Okeke’s village at the end of the story: “The sky was overcast with heavy black clouds and a high wind began to blow filling the air with dust and dry leaves. It was one of those rare occasions when even Nature takes a hand in a human fight” (29).The storm gives an external shape to Okeke’s internal conflict. As lightning illuminates his village, he is thunderstruck by the revelation that he has two grandsons. The narrator observes that lightning and thunder “mark a change of season” (29). The change in nature shows that it is time for Okeke to have a change of heart after nearly a decade of closing himself off from his son. Achebe weaves Okeke’s Christianity into his efforts to resist this change: “He tried to hum a favourite hymn but the pattering of large rain drops on the roof broke up the tune” (29). Just as nature in the form of the rain disrupts the Christian hymn, Okeke’s kinship to his grandchildren proves stronger than the religious views he has toward marriage because of colonization. Although the story does not depict the reconciliation between Nnaemeka and his father, it seems likely that such a reunion will take place based on the final sentence: “That night he hardly slept, from remorse—and a vague fear that he might die without making it up to them” (30). Okeke’s restless, remorseful emotions give the ending an atmosphere of suspense while offering hope for reconciliation.

Throughout the story, Achebe explores the themes of gender roles, tradition, and familial expectations in Nigerian society. Achebe uses the character of Nene to provide a nuanced perspective on the conflict between tradition and modernity. After all, it is her letter to Okeke that brings about the shift in his mindset. Nene is portrayed as a strong, independent woman who is deeply committed to Nnaemeka and their family. She is respectful of Okeke and his traditions, but also assertive in her own beliefs and values. By depicting Nene as a complex and multifaceted character, Achebe challenges the stereotype of women as submissive and passive. The traditional view of gender roles is depicted through Okeke’s perspective, which emphasizes the importance of male authority and the subordination of women. For example, he disapproves of Nene’s career as a teacher and tries to use religion to justify his sexism: “St. Paul in his letter to the Corinthians says that women should keep silence” (25). Okeke’s perspective is challenged by Nnaemeka’s relationship with Nene, which is based on mutual respect and equality. Nnaemeka’s decision to defy his father’s wishes and marry Nene demonstrates the transformative power of love and the willingness of individuals to challenge the status quo in pursuit of their own happiness. The story also emphasizes the importance of communication and understanding in resolving conflicts. The story ends with the suggestion that different generations can achieve a harmonious relationship through mutual respect, communication, and understanding.