Juliet Takes a Breath

The first day of Juliet’s internship starts with her taking a puff of weed from Harlowe’s blunt. Even though Juliet is asthmatic, the weed helps quell her anxiety. Harlowe hands Juliet a box full of scraps of paper because Juliet is going to be a “fairie-hunter,” searching for amazing women that haven’t gotten enough notoriety (50). The scraps of paper have images or names of women who Harlowe wants to know more about. Juliet feels overwhelmed by the research task, and she almost has a panic attack, which reminds her her mom used to “run her fingers through [her] hair and calm all the internal noise” for her (52). Juliet calls Titi Wepa for some tough love. Titi Wepa listens to Juliet’s woes, but she also tells her to figure it out. Juliet is inspired by the conversation to do her best in the internship, even though it isn’t exactly what she thought it was going to be.

When Juliet goes downstairs from her room in the attic, she sees a naked man in the kitchen. The naked man, Phen, questions Juliet’s “internalized fear of nudity” (58), which makes Juliet dislike Phen. Harlowe steps in and reprimands Phen so that Phen covers up, and Harlowe suggests that Phen take Juliet into Portland. While Juliet, Phen, and Harlowe smoke weed together, Harlowe tells Juliet that she wants her help with an important book reading that is coming up. Juliet reminisces about how reading in school was “often all-white” and how “LGBTQ events didn’t feel like family yet, either” (62). Phen apologizes for being rude to Juliet earlier and Juliet now sees Phen as “a misfit in a sarong, an equal” and forgives Phen (63).

On the bus to downtown Portland, Juliet is taken aback by how different the white people on the bus are from the white people she is used to in the Bronx. The white people on the bus must have been “no-shame-having, motherless children because there were loose sagging tits, sweat stains, and BO running free like locusts” (65), which Juliet’s mother would never have allowed (65).

Phen asks Juliet questions about how she identifies and her preferred gender pronouns and this overwhelms Juliet because these are phrases that she has never heard before. She says she is “just Juliet,” which makes Phen doubt if Juliet is actually gay (68). Juliet remembers how other Puerto Rican kids would test her to see if she was really Puerto Rican or “just a white girl with brown skin” (69). Juliet gets up and moves away to the back of the bus to avoid Phen, but Phen follows her when they get off the bus at the downtown Portland stop.

They go into Powell’s (a famous bookstore in Portland) together. While roaming the bookshelves, Juliet’s mom calls her and tells her that her Titi Penny used to have a girlfriend but that it was just a phase before she met Juliet’s uncle. She also tells her that Juliet is going through a similar phrase, but Juliet reiterates that her being gay is not a phase. Even though the phone call wasn’t ideal, Juliet is still glad that her mother called her.

Phen finds Juliet and gives her a book as a peace offering, and they head out of Powell’s and walk to a place called Pioneer Courthouse Square, where Phen plays hacky sack with some guys while Juliet writes in her notebook. Juliet remembers that she wants to go to the library, but it’s already too late by the time she tells Phen. Phen convinces her to go to an action for union rights. However, Juliet does not want to go, and Phen leaves her to figure out how to get back to Harlowe’s house by herself, something that never would have happened in the Bronx. When she returns to Harlowe’s house after riding the bus for a long time, Juliet overhears Harlowe reprimanding Phen for leaving her. Juliet discovers that Phen’s mother left Phen with Harlowe—that is why Phen stays in Harlowe’s house. Later that night, Juliet talks to Phen alone, and they call a truce between them. Juliet also learns that Phen is leaving the next day.

Juliet tries to call Lainie again, but she only gets her voicemail. She walks into a café called Blend where she discovers that Harlowe is a “celesbian” (88). The lesbians at the café are friendly to Juliet, which her cousin Ava says is only because they want Juliet to bring Harlowe to the café. Ava warns Juliet to “watch out for those white girls” (90), and Juliet questions why she would need to if they accept her for who she is.

In this chapter, Juliet meets Harlowe’s girlfriend, Maxine. Harlowe and Maxine met at a music festival many years ago and are in a polyamorous relationship. Juliet also learns about Maxine’s master’s degree in divinity, something Juliet didn’t know a person could get. Harlowe, Maxine, and Juliet’s conversation about God’s existence makes Juliet think about her own beliefs in God and how she knows God is real. Lainie always shut down Juliet’s beliefs in God, but Juliet reminds herself that “we were all rebel girls here” and that Lainie will call her back eventually (103).

Maxine and Harlowe take Juliet to a writers’ workshop centered around the author Octavia Butler. Zaira, the leader of the Writer Warriors Workshop series, discusses how the workshop is a safe space for Black women and asks that white allies “respect this space, own your privileges and remain open to your own journey” (107). Juliet notices that most of the white women in the group are sitting together in the back.

The group is tasked with writing a science fiction story, and Juliet shares her story with another member of the group, Melonie, who loves what Juliet wrote and encourages her to submit it to the writing group’s anthology. When the workshop ends, Maxine, Harlowe, and Juliet overhear two white girls questioning Zaira’s statement about white allies. Harlowe jumps into their conversation and tries to address what they are saying, telling them to check their privilege: “we’re the ones that need to give women of color space for their voices” (111).

Later, during the car ride back to Harlowe’s house, Maxine and Harlowe argue over how Harlowe handled the situation with the white girls. Maxine, a Black woman, does not like the idea that white women need to give women of color anything for them to have their voices. Harlowe apologizes to Maxine and says she is still learning. Once they’re back at Harlowe’s house, Juliet realizes that she finally got a text from Lainie. The text reads, “Got your messages. Call me tomorrow” (114).

The morning after the writers’ workshop, Maxine and Juliet discuss how Harlowe is white and that even though it was good of her to talk to the white girls last night, sometimes words are not enough. Maxine then drives Juliet to the library to continue her research for Harlowe. While researching Sophia (a name on a slip of paper Harlowe gave Juliet), Juliet runs into the junior librarian named Kira. Juliet thinks Kira is “super nice and totally cute” before reminding herself that she “was Lainie’s girl and she was mine” (122). When Juliet finishes up at the library, she finally gets a call from Lainie, who tells Juliet that her constant messages are a distraction and only to call “with the real stuff” (123). Juliet apologizes and returns to Harlowe’s house hours later, wondering what she did wrong.

Juliet gets her period early and accidentally stains the mattress with blood. She freaks out about it, but Harlowe thinks periods are a time for celebration and helps Juliet relax and clean up the mattress. Harlowe sets a bath up for Juliet and takes care of her. When Juliet got her first period, she thought she was dying and tried to hide it from her mom. When her mom found out, however, she was kind and helped Juliet with her first maxi pad. Once Juliet is cleaned up and back in her attic room, she can hear Harlowe and Maxine talking and making love downstairs. Juliet’s “body ached for that type of touch and connection” (135), and she imagines kissing Kira the librarian.

Alone in the house without Harlowe and Maxine, Juliet begins to read A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn, which Phen gave her as a gift. As she reads the book, Juliet learns about the crimes the United States has committed in other countries that she didn’t learn about in her history classes in school: “the underbelly of America creeped [her] out; the sociopathic patriarchy was still some old devil who never got put down” (139). Juliet also learns about the term banana republic and how it refers to “imperialist takeover shit, (140), so she calls her girlfriend Lainie to tell her to stop shopping at the store called Banana Republic. Lainie reveals that she knows how the store Banana Republic’s name is a play on the term banana republic and that she doesn’t care about the name. Juliet accuses Lainie of being complicit to racism. Lainie hangs up on Juliet.

When Harlowe gets home, Juliet tells her about her argument with Lainie. Harlowe asks why Juliet cares about the name of the store Banana Republic now, and Juliet says that reading the book Phen gave her made her care because now she knows. As Harlowe and Juliet continue to spend their day talking, Juliet learns that Maxine also is in love with Zaira, the teacher of the writing workshop they went to together. Because Harlowe and Maxine are in a polyamorous relationship, Maxine splits her time between Harlowe and Zaira.

While on the phone with Ava, her cousin reprimands Juliet for being Puerto Rican and not knowing who Lolita Lebron is. Ava suggests a book, and Juliet learns about how the US used and abused Puerto Rico: “gouging it for sugar, using its shores for military purposes, and passing laws that made it illegal to display Puerto Rican flags or to fight for Puerto Rican independence from the United States” (152-53). Juliet wonders why her parents never taught her about this history but would instead hail the movie West Side Story as a great Puerto Rican movie even when the actors were all white.

As Juliet continues her research, she gets a note from the cute librarian Kira to meet her outside for cookies. Kira is forward about how she wants to get to know Juliet better, which makes Juliet happy. Juliet always had to pursue Lainie, so it feels different for someone to be pursuing her instead. Kira offers to give Juliet a ride home when the library closes, and Juliet accepts. At the end of the day, Kira gives Juliet a ride back to Harlowe’s house on her motorcycle and gives Juliet a kiss on the cheek and her phone number. Juliet discovers a package from Lainie on her doorstep. The package contains a letter revealing that Lainie fell in love with someone else named Sarah, and that Sarah is the one Lainie wants to take home to meet her parents when she comes out to them.

After reading the breakup letter from Lainie, Juliet wallows in her sadness for days. She wonders if she wasn’t good enough because she was “overtly Puerto Rican and brown-skinned” and thinks of Sarah as “white, straight hair, blond” (167). While crying in bed, Juliet hears Maxine and Harlowe argue over Maxine’s strong feelings for Zaira, the other partner Maxine spends her time with when she is not with Harlowe. Juliet wants Harlowe and Maxine “to be an example of long-lasting adult lesbian love” and hopes they don’t break up (170). Juliet remembers that her brother Lil’ Melvin gave her a bag to open when she needed it, so she opens it and finds some TWIX bars, a Yu-Gi-Yoh! card, and a note that confesses that he thinks he is also gay. This overwhelms Juliet, and she falls asleep until Harlowe wakes her up and they talk about Juliet’s break up with Lainie. Harlowe helps Juliet become motivated to shower and help her with some fan mail.

Harlowe and her girlfriend Maxine argue in front of Juliet again when Harlowe gives Maxine a flyer for an event for Black people and encourages Maxine to go. Maxine states, “just because you see something that is targeted toward Black people doesn’t mean you need to bring it home to me and encourage me to learn Black people things with other Black people” (181). Harlowe leaves upset, and Juliet and Maxine talk about how Maxine doesn’t want unrequested guidance on her identity from other people. Juliet’s mother calls her and interrupts the conversation. She tells Juliet she loves her, and Juliet tells her about how Lainie dumped her. Juliet’s mother then tries to set her up with her coworker’s son and tells Juliet that her love with Lainie wasn’t real because it wasn’t love with a man. Juliet ends the conversation quickly.

At the library, Juliet continues to research women for Harlowe’s next book. While walking back to Harlowe’s house, she gets a call from Lainie and sends it straight to voicemail. Lainie leaves a message saying she messed up and wants to fix things with Juliet. Juliet decides not to call Lainie back because if things didn’t work out “[she’d] crumble” (193). Back at Harlowe’s place, Juliet calls Kira to invite her to Harlowe’s book reading the next night. Kira was already planning on going with friends, so they plan on meeting up at the reading and going stargazing together afterwards.

At Harlowe’s book reading at Powell’s bookstore, the store is crowded, and Harlowe has stage fright. Juliet pumps Harlowe up and gets her ready and confident to do her book reading to the full store. Juliet sits with Kira in the audience while Harlowe talks about feminism and reads excerpts from Raging Flower. At the end, Harlowe opens the floor up for the audience to ask questions, and Zaira (Maxine’s other lover) asks Harlowe if the message of her book “is enough to rally non-white women to your particular brand of feminism” (205). Harlowe answers and talks about how Juliet “who isn’t white, who grew up in the ghetto, someone who is lesbian and Latina and fought her whole life to make it out of the Bronx alive to get an education” was there to support Harlowe as her assistant (206).

When Harlowe points Juliet out, Juliet struggles to breath and runs out of the book reading. While questioning everything she thought she knew about Harlowe, Juliet’s cousin Ava calls her, and they book a flight for Juliet to visit her in Miami the next day. Instead of going back to Harlowe’s house, Kira finds Juliet, and they go back to Kira’s house to discuss what happened with Harlowe. Kira and Juliet have sex, and the next day, Maxine drives Juliet to the airport to go to Miami.