Inventing Elliot

The following morning, Elliot wakes from a nightmare in which he was back in his old apartment, feeling the fear and pain from that time. As the nightmare fades, Elliot considers his situation. He realizes that there are now three Elliots: the “normal” one, who existed before his father’s attack; the one who emerged after the attack, dealing with his newly-disabled father and problems at school; and the new, confident one, “Elliot the Indifferent” (103), that he is successfully inventing. It dawns on him that they are not separate identities, but different faces that he must juggle depending on where he is, and that the three must never meet.

Elliot and Ben meet every Saturday morning at Ben’s house, a place where Elliot feels happy and “normal.” They develop film and hang out, chatting about many things, but never Holminster High or the Guardians. Ben keeps to his word and never acknowledges Elliot at school, and Elliot rarely sees him. When he does, Ben is scurrying around, trying to stay hidden. One Saturday morning, Elliot sees that Ben has a bruise on his arm. Back in the darkroom, Ben seems on edge and is clearly in pain. He drops a container of chemicals and, when Elliot asks if he can help clean up, sharply tells him to leave it. Elliot recognizes this brittle tone and freezes, viscerally remembering that feeling of being close to breaking point. Ben repeatedly says he doesn’t need help, finishing with “If everyone left me alone, I could be just fine” (102). Elliot knows this has nothing to do with the spilled chemicals. His gentle nature takes over and he kindly presses Ben’s shoulder. Ben flinches but says thanks before quickly goes back to cleaning up.

Elliot puts on his survival mask at school and with the Guardians: hard and indifferent. He thinks about the training sessions with Richard, particularly the one about crowd control. During this lesson, Richard explains that the Guardians manipulate the crowd by delaying punishments, waiting for the right moment. Richard lets the tension build over the semester, so that when the punishments begin, the students are eager for it to occur. Richard explains that making people wait like this­—in an unbearable, stressful atmosphere—lets the Guardians control their environment. Richard talks about how he and Elliot are different, that he intends to be in a position of power once he leaves school, and he believes his power is predetermined; all he needs to do it show other people that they are beneath him. As Elliot listens, he is overcome with a vague sense of horror. If there is even a grain of truth in this reality, then “why bother to resist it”(106)? Even though everything about the Guardians fills him with disgust, it seems like there is no alternative.

During this session, Richard bitterly reveals that his father comes home from work every day, happy about how successfully subservient he has been—happy to have pleased people—which gives a brief insight into the choices Richard has made and his unusual beliefs. Richard refences 1984 again, interpreting the message as learning to accept things as they are and accepting your position without question.

Richard wants Elliot to attend some punishments. At the next one, Elliot watches the crowd as a younger boy is beaten and humiliated by the “punisher.” Everyone is transfixed, flushed, and caught up with excitement. Elliot feels nothing except a “dull coldness,” and notices that even the victim looks tired and vacant as he limps away after the fight. Elliot no longer flinches as he watches, his emotions buried so deep that they no longer affect him. Elliot thinks maybe Richard is right: “once you learn to accept things as they are, you find it so much easier” (107).

Fear, however, is something that Elliot still keenly feels, and when the principal calls Elliot into his office, it resurfaces with a vengeance. Elliot relaxes when the principal starts praising Elliot, relaying the good feedback he has gotten from Elliot’s teachers. However, when the principal explains that he has summoned Elliot because he believes that he will get an honest answer to a rumor going around the school, Elliot panics. The rumor is that the high school has a gang that carries out regular, organized intimidations and physical abuse of weaker students. The principal asks Elliot whether these rumors are true. Elliot, twisting up inside, maintains eye contact and replies that he has never seen or heard of anything like that. The principal considers Elliot for a moment, then relaxes in relief, completely confident in the honesty of this high-achieving student and happily reassured that the rumors are completely unfounded. Elliot heads straight to the bathroom and throws up.

At four o’clock in the morning, Elliot can’t sleep. Craving a hot chocolate and the comfort it used to give him and his mother during his father’s hospital stays, he creeps into the kitchen to make one. Before it is ready, Elliot’s mother comes into the kitchen, preparing for her early cleaning job. Elliot and his mother have not shared much time since Elliot started at the new school. He can tell that she is worried about him and he desperately wants to tell her about what is going on in his life, but he stops short. In answer to her probing, worried questions, he tells her not to worry about him. Elliot keeps quiet, not wanting to put his mother under any additional stress. She leaves for work, not completely reassured, and Elliot goes back to bed.

Walking down the school hallway, Elliot bumps into a girl, knocking the books she is carrying to the floor. The one that catches Elliot’s eye is 1984. He crouches to pick it up, remembering that Richard had urged him to read it. The girl, standing over him, snaps him out of his trance by mocking him, sarcastically asking if he knows what a book is. She scolds him for losing her bookmark and breaking the book’s spine. Elliot looks up and their eyes meet, silencing the irritated reply he had ready to shoot back at her. Elliot gets lost for moment in her eyes, and she too keeps quiet eye contact. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing; not at Elliot, but at herself and her overreaction.

She tries to make conversation, telling Elliot that they are in the same English class. When Elliot just shakes his head, the girl reddens, embarrassed that Elliot cannot remember her. A janitor yells at them to move out of the hallway, but both of them feel reluctant to move on. Elliot says he hasn’t read 1984, but when she offers to lend him her copy, he bluntly rejects it, not wanting a reminder of the Guardians on his bookshelf. Feeling bad about his harsh reply, Elliot clumsily tells her that it’s because he is in the middle of reading The Mosquito Coast, which satisfies her, and they chat for a few more seconds about books before she walks away. Elliot has never experienced the feelings coursing through him as he watches her go. He feels breathless, nervous, excited but also unsettled. Thoughts of the girl and his confusing new emotions stay with him all weekend.

The following Monday, the girl does not ignore Elliot—which he was worried about—but she also does not seek him out—which he was also worried about. Elliot finds himself unable to concentrate on anything other than the girl. He is annoyed with himself and confused about why she is taking up so much of his mind, and he decides that their meeting was nothing more than a hallway accident. Later, he sees her coming out of the library building and cannot help but go and talk to her. They have an awkward conversation, Elliot stumbling over his words and struggling for something to say, but eventually the girl smiles and laughs. She introduces herself and invites Elliot to walk her part of the way home. Her name is Louise, and Elliot realizes within five minutes of walking home with her that he is in love.

Soon, Elliot is walking Louise home every afternoon that he is free, often stopping at the park to chat and watch the ducks. Elliot loves everything about Louise, in awe of her knowledge about literature, and every other subject too. He hangs on to her every word, feeling as if he has “been thrown into a new, vibrant, joyful world of experience” (120). However, his adoration starts to irritate Louise, who gently asks him whether he has his own opinion on anything. Louise asks him to tell her about himself, asking him to be completely open and honest. So Elliot, unable to express his feelings of love, instead tells her about his love of books and reading. As he expands on how reading makes him feel—as if he is entering a different world, one filled with happiness—he is really telling Louise how he feels about her. As time goes on, Elliot becomes more comfortable opening up to Louise, but he is still wary of letting the mask slip too much, worried that she might not like him or find him “pathetic and inadequate” (123). Almost as bad as his fear of being judged by Louise is his fear of saying the wrong thing in general: to the Guardians, Louise, Ben, or his mother. He is convinced his life would be over if his mask slips in front of the Guardians, his vulnerabilities exposed.