I'm Glad My Mom Died

Jennette is waiting to audition for the role of Emily on an episode of Without a Trace, where she will have to cry on cue during an interrogation scene. As she waits to audition, she senses in herself a strange loss of energy. Her mother reads the diet section of a magazine, her favorite part. When she confides in her mother that she worries she cannot cry, her mother incredulously and aggressively tells her that she “is Emily” (125). For the first time, Jennette does not believe her mother and is frightened. She is aware of the intense pressure to cry on cue and what it means for her career, and thus, her ability to provide for her family, so her sense of impending failure is terrifying. Her audition goes poorly, and on the car ride home, she confesses to her mother that she does not want to act anymore. Her mother becomes upset and cries, only stopping when Jennette tells her mother that she didn’t really mean it. Her mother goes back to her jovial mood, and Jennette realizes that this is a role she plays too.

As Jennette paces the front lawn one afternoon, agonizing over lines, her grandfather tells her that she is too young to have to worry so much. Distracted, she asks him to repeat himself, and he tells her that she should be able to be a kid. She feels real tears welling in her eyes; she can’t remember the last time that happened. She tells her grandfather that she loves him and calls him “Poppy Seed,” her nickname for him (130). He gives her a car antenna topper, a Styrofoam model of Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc. He tells her that the character is funny and makes him laugh, and he hopes it makes her laugh too. She thanks him and goes back to memorizing lines.

Right before visiting her mother in the hospital during one of her routine visits, Jennette prints out her first screenplay. She is excited to show the screenplay to her mother, who she is certain will be proud of her. When she hands her mother the screenplay at the hospital, she notices that her own and her mother’s wrists are the same size. As her mother looks through the screenplay, Jennette notices that her mother appears more worried than proud. Jennette’s mother says that she hopes Jennette doesn’t like writing more than acting, because she is such a talented actor. Jennette feels embarrassed for showing her mother her work. She lies and tells her mother that she still prefers acting, even though writing comes naturally to her in a way that acting does not. Writing feels real, while acting feels fake. Her mother tells her that writers get fat, and when she learns of the plot of Jennette’s screenplay, she tells her that it’s the same as The Parent Trap.

Jennette plans a poem she will write for her mother. She has learned that her mother is not interested in her screenplays, but poems about how much she loves her mom are still okay. As she is thinking about it, she notices that her chest is sore. As she checks the spot, she notices a lump, and panics about having cancer like her mother. She asks her mother to check, and her mom tells her that she is just “getting boobies” (141). Jennette panics, as her mother has told her in the past that her young appearance and small size have allowed her to book more roles than her competitors. She nervously asks her mother if there is any way to stop her growth. Immediately, she notices what only she could notice from her mother: “Mom is grateful-happy” (142). Jennette’s mother tells her about calorie restriction, a euphemism for disordered eating, and from then on, they grow even closer. Jennette excels at leaving her meals half-finished. She weighs herself five times per day, and quickly goes down three clothing sizes. When she visits the pediatrician and weighs a mere 61 pounds, the doctor expresses concern that Jennette may have anorexia, a word she has never heard before. When Jennette asks what it means, her mother assures her that it isn’t important, and some people are just dramatic.

After turning 12, Jennette becomes a member of Beehives, a program at the Mormon church for girls ages 12 to 13. Upon joining, all members are given a role, and Jennette is given the role of assistant secretary, which does not really exist. Her peer, Makaylah, leans over and tells her that she was given a fake role because the Church thinks she will become inactive. Within the Mormon church, “inactive” is a loaded negative term for the families who stop regularly attending services. These Mormons are “Second-Rate Mormons,” not to be trusted and looked down upon by “First-Rate Mormons” (153). Jennette knows that her family has been on the track of Second-Rate Mormons for some time, and they now often miss church for the release of episodes Jennette stars in. Jennette worriedly asks her mother if they are inactive like Makaylah said. Her mother dismisses her and reminds her that Makaylah is adopted.

Jennette’s mother calls her for shower time, and Jennette is frozen with dread. For the past five years, she has hated the joint showers with her mother and often her brother Scottie, where her mother checks her private parts. She recalls once when Scottie asked to shower by himself. When their mother went into a crying fit about him growing up, he never asked again. Both dissociate during these embarrassing and awkward showers. Scottie draws Pokémon in the steaming shower door, while Jennette thinks of going to Disneyland with her family. Tonight, she is showering alone with her mother because she has an audition the next day. As her mother turns on the faucet, Jennette begins to think of better things.

Jennette and her mother are driving to visit her brother Dustin at work. Though Dustin seems embarrassed by his family visiting him at work, Jennette notices that her mother enjoys feeling like she is special and important for knowing a member of staff somewhere. The previous day, Jennette had done a screen-test for a Nickelodeon show, iCarly, and she has a screen-test for another show for next week. Her agent, Susan Curtis, calls and excitedly tells them that Jennette has booked the role on iCarly. Her mother pulls into the parking lot, and they scream and hug each other, as Jennette feels relief for her mother: “Everything’s going to be better. Mom will finally be happy. Her dream has come true” (164).