If Only I Had Told Her

Autumn tells Finn she loves him. He thinks, “I’m so happy that I could die” (90). She asks if he really loves her. He is confused, thinking that she must know the depth of his feelings. He asks, “[I]f you didn’t know then why did you leave me?” (92). She explains that she enjoyed the sudden popularity she experienced in middle school and didn’t want to jeopardize it by spending time with him. Autumn now admits that she loves him too; she might always have felt this way, but she realized it two years ago. They agree to be girlfriend and boyfriend, but this means Finn has to break up with Sylvie.

Finn remembers the first time that Sylvie asked him about Autumn. Sylvie pointed out Autumn’s quirkiness, and he defended her. However, speaking of Jamie, Autumn’s then-boyfriend, Finn said, “Jamie does things for attention, and you know how I feel about that” (101). This made Sylvie cry because it was clearly a rebuke of her; she and Finn had recently argued about her kissing another girl to please some boys who were watching. Finn’s latest rebuke caused her to tell him about Mr. Wilbur, a tutor who sexually harassed her and nearly ruined her high school experience. She said that would not be with someone who made her insecure. Finn apologized, but she said that she needed to hear him say that he truly wanted to be with her—and not just because he could not be with Autumn. He told her he loved her but would later realize she remained unconvinced.

Autumn and Finn both fell asleep after having sex and now wake up. Sylvie calls, but Finn declines to answer. Autumn asks if he feels guilty. He admits he does but adds, “I also feel I’ve been loyal to something bigger” (109). Finn asks Autumn if she regrets having sex, and she says she doesn’t but wishes it was his first time as well. He explains that when he and Sylvie had sex for the first time, they were too drunk to remember it. From then on, they could not have sex unless she was drunk, which felt wrong to Finn. Autumn is concerned that seeing Sylvie again will reignite Finn’s feelings for her, and Finn comforts her. He worries that what has happened is too good to be true but privately insists that “it doesn’t matter” (116).

Autumn tries to get Finn to wait until the next day to break up with Sylvie, but Finn is insistent, saying delaying it would not be “the right thing to do” (121). They tell stories from their childhood; Finn once got Autumn a tiara but claimed it was a gift from his mother. They reminisce about moments that might have become romantic, and he realizes that she was as acutely aware of him as he was of her at these times. He says, “[W]e have forever” (129), and Autumn agrees.

Autumn is nervous and still wants Finn to wait until tomorrow to break up with Sylvie. She walks him to the car and pleads with him not to go. He tells her to go to bed early, saying that after talking to Sylvie, he’ll sneak into Autumn’s house to join her in bed and hold her all night. Their mothers return and find them kissing in the driveway, but the mothers pretend not to notice.

As Finn drives away, his mother calls, joking about her advice working. She tells him she’s proud of him, and he replies, “[Y]ou always say you’re proud of me for the weirdest things” (136). He stops at a gas station to get condoms and feels uncomfortable seeing the same gas station attendant. He tells the gas station attendant to stop leering at teen girls and buys both the condoms and the entire stock of Autumn’s candy.

Finn goes to Sylvie’s house. He knows he loves Sylvie but feels he has to break up with her: “It’s not a ‘but I’m not in love with her’ situation. I’m in love with Sylvie but I cannot be with her anymore, and that hurts” (141). He steels himself with reminders that Sylvie deserves to be loved like he loves Autumn and that Autumn is waiting for him at home. When Finn arrives at Sylvie’s house, Sylvie is waiting for him. She runs to his car, climbs inside, and says, “[Y]ou fucking asshole” (142).

Finn asks Sylvie what she knows. All summer, she has been getting contacted by friends who saw him and Autumn at different places together. Sylvie has a list of questions prepared for him and pulls it from her purse. Finn admits he slept with Autumn, but they argue about whether Finn’s behavior throughout the summer constitutes cheating. Sylvie demands to know if he ever loved her, and he admits that he is still in love with her. Of Autumn, however, Finn says, “What our souls are made of is the same” (147). Sylvie asks if he’s using Wuthering Heights as an excuse to cheat. She wants out of the car, and Finn speeds up and loses control. Sylvie is thrown from the car. Finn tries to run to her aid but falls down; it later emerges that he was electrocuted when he left the car, dying almost instantly.