How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing

Davis emphasizes the importance of letting go of perfectionism in favor of functional and manageable routines. She shares her personal strategy of focusing on key areas, like keeping her kitchen clean, while allowing less critical spaces, such as her hallway or bathroom, to remain untidy.

Davis argues that aiming for “good enough” rather than perfection in care tasks can lead to a more balanced and joyful life. She challenges the conventional belief that everything must be done perfectly, advocating for “adaptive imperfection” and functional spaces that meet individual needs. Davis encourages readers to prioritize tasks that truly matter and to feel validated in doing the bare minimum when necessary, reinforcing that “good enough is perfect” (89).

Davis shares a practical and compassionate strategy for changing bedsheets, particularly for those who struggle with this task. She suggests layering multiple sheets and mattress protectors on the bed, a common parenting hack, to simplify the process. By doing so, you can easily remove the top layer when it becomes dirty and have a fresh sheet already in place, which reduces the effort required to maintain cleanliness. Davis emphasizes that even if you don’t have multiple mattress protectors, layering just the sheets is still beneficial.

Davis explains that seeing care tasks as moral obligations often leads to exhaustion and shame, which prevents people from allowing themselves to rest. She argues that true rest, unlike sleep, involves conscious activities that provide connection and relaxation. She also challenges the belief that care tasks must be finished before resting, highlighting that this mindset creates a cycle of constant guilt and fatigue.

Davis addresses the common question of distinguishing between needing a break and being lazy, emphasizing that “laziness doesn’t exist” (93). She shares her own experiences of choosing between completing tasks or resting, and encourages readers to listen to their bodies and prioritize self-kindness. Davis reassures readers that allowing oneself to rest without guilt is crucial, especially since research shows that people experiencing burnout can take months or even years to recover from psychological stress. For those who cannot financially afford to rest, she acknowledges their struggles and suggests finding creative ways to incorporate rest into their routines.

Davis discusses the complexities of dividing labor in a household, emphasizing that the focus should be on ensuring fair rest for all parties involved rather than making the workload equal. She argues that quantifying the effort involved in different tasks is challenging and often leads to conflicts about who works harder. Instead of comparing workloads, couples should aim to ensure that both partners get adequate rest and recreational time.

Davis points out that care tasks are inherently different from paid work, as they are continuous and never truly “finished.” She highlights that both partners, regardless of whether one stays at home or works outside, deserve rest. The goal should be to protect each other’s rest time and ensure that everyone has periods of autonomy and time without responsibilities.

Davis and her husband, Michael, developed a system to balance their responsibilities. For example, they alternate weekend mornings for sleep and share evening routines to balance their duties. They prioritize sitting down together by 7:30 PM, regardless of the state of the house, emphasizing the importance of mutual respect and understanding over rigidly-defined roles.

Davis focuses on cleaning bathrooms efficiently with minimal energy. She advises using two Clorox wands, one for the toilet and another for the shower, tub, and sink. Counters, mirrors, and shower doors can be wiped with Windex and paper towels.

Davis emphasizes that more thorough cleaning can be done when one has extra time. She also acknowledges the difficulties faced by survivors of abuse, particularly when cleaning tasks are triggering. She encourages these individuals to be gentle with themselves and delegate or outsource these tasks if necessary. The chapter underscores the importance of practicality and self-compassion in managing household chores.

Davis admits she hasn't figured out a perfect system for keeping her car clean. She emphasizes that the journey of managing care tasks isn't about achieving perfection or having flawless systems. Instead, it's about making things functional and giving oneself permission to enjoy life, even if some tasks, like keeping the car clean, are never fully resolved.

Davis addresses the challenges of completing care tasks when physical limitations make it difficult. Whether due to fatigue, chronic illness, pain, or stress, sometimes the body simply doesn't cooperate. Davis advises moving at a pace that feels manageable, without the pressure of timers or strict agendas.

She suggests various tools and strategies to assist, such as grabbers for picking up items, rolling office chairs for mobility, shower chairs, cleaning caddies, and more. The focus is on adapting routines and using helpful products to get things done slowly but steadily, emphasizing that doing something is better than doing nothing at all.

Davis discusses the guilt that can arise when one partner in a relationship struggles to complete care tasks. She emphasizes that contribution is morally neutral and not a measure of one’s worth. Instead of focusing on whether one is contributing enough, the real moral concern should be whether one is taking advantage of their partner. Davis asserts, “You are not required to contribute to be worthy of love and care and belonging” (109).

She explains that everyone has seasons where they can contribute more or less and that exploitation is the true issue when one partner feels more entitled to rest or respect based on gender or paycheck. Davis wants her children, and everyone else, to understand that their worth is not tied to productivity, and that nonexploitation and humility are the true moral values. She emphasizes the importance of being responsible and fair while recognizing that needing help or having limited capacity is not the same as exploiting others.

Davis addresses the impact of parental trauma related to cleaning and chores. She shares stories from clients who experienced abusive caregivers using chores as punishment, which resulted in a long-lasting trauma. This trauma manifests in adulthood as either avoidance of care tasks or obsessive cleaning.

Davis encourages readers to recognize when their inner critic echoes the voices of abusive caregivers and suggests therapy as a means to redefine care tasks positively. For those who grew up in neglectful, dirty environments, she reassures them, “your children will never experience mess the way you did if you are safe and loving” (112). She explains that toys on the floor, dishes in the sink, and stains on clothes symbolize care and love from a parent. Davis concludes with a comforting reminder for parents to hang in their home: “[T]his is a safe home and I am safe in it” (112).