How to Age Disgracefully

Daphne considers how to spend her 70th birthday. She talks frequently to Jack, who is not present, and to her plants. She does not socialize with her neighbors, but she likes to follow the comments on a community website covering her neighborhood of Hammersmith, though they make her feel slightly out of touch. Daphne has not left her apartment for more than shopping in 15 years. She decides it is time to “reengage with the world, to make some friends” (12). She will buy a whiteboard and some pens and make a plan.

Art, an actor, is concerned that he is being offered fewer roles. He tricks his agent into talking to him by posing as his doctor. His agent thinks Art should retire. Art, who is 75, points to the president of the United State, the former Queen Elizabeth, and the Rolling Stones as examples of people at or past his age who have important roles. His agent says there is prize money for a TV talent show called “Me and My Dog,” but Art doesn’t have a dog.

On King Street, Art sees a white-haired woman struggling to carry a whiteboard. He offers to help, and she shouts at him.

Daphne sets up her whiteboard and makes her list, which includes “Make some friends,” “Be more trusting,” and “no shouting or glaring” (19). After debating ways to achieve her goals, Daphne decides to consult the internet, where she finds an advertisement for a senior citizens’ social club at Mandel Community Center, which is nearby.

Daphne does not have a mobile phone; she threw away her Blackberry in 2008 when she moved in, so she goes to the local store to purchase a cell phone. She buys an iPhone Fourteen Plus. When the young salesman asks if she knows how to use it, she scolds him for assuming people her age are useless with technology, then admits she doesn’t know. The young man is exhausted by teaching her.

Art, shopping at the grocer’s, laments the lack of available roles for people his age. He sees the advertisement for the senior social club. He decides that spending time there might save on his heating bill, and he will invite William. Just before they enter the community center, Art sees the white-haired woman who shouted at him. William encourages Art to go inside anyway.

Lydia, who has been hired by the council to run the new senior social club, imagines she will be surrounded by “genial, grateful, and enthusiastic geriatrics” (29). She is unnerved by the reality. Pauline, a retired headmistress, challenges Lydia by bringing in her dog. Lydia, who has been reading self-help books for encouragement, makes tea. The others include Art, an actor; Ruby, who has brought her knitting; Anna, who aggressively uses a walking frame; and Daphne, wearing a huge emerald necklace and looking supercilious.

When Lydia asks about activities, William accuses her “of some heinous clichés” (31). They suggest skydiving, target practice, and karate, while William promises that next time he will bring alcohol. As Daphne goes to light a cigarette, Pauline accuses Lydia of having no natural authority. Everyone is shocked when part of the ceiling collapses on Pauline, killing her but leaving the dog.

Ziggy, who lives with his mother, is woken up by his infant daughter, Kylie. Ziggy loves Kylie, but as he is still a teenager, he finds it challenging to care for her.

As he leaves his apartment, he tries to avoid the gangs that roam his council estate. He takes Kylie to the Mandel Community Center for the nursery, where she stays while he finishes his final year of school. Janine, who runs the nursery, explains that part of the building collapsed on the senior group, and scolds Ziggy when he says “those relics must be on their way out, in any case” (36). Being a struggling single father living in government-funded housing is not what Ziggy envisioned for his life.

Daphne reflects on events at the social club. She finds it rather exciting that Pauline died. She makes toast, consults OurNeighbours.com, and is entertained by the discussion, but she has an unsettling sense that time is running out. She found news a couple of months ago that affected her outlook and made her wonder if she could change her future. Daphne adds “Find a partner” (41) to her list of goals and considers internet dating, but she wonders, “How could you create a future when you had no present you enjoyed and no past you would admit to?” (42).

Lydia, feeling guilty that she might have missed something in her job training, takes Pauline’s dog home. Her husband, Jeremy, complains that she cannot keep the dog. When he calls the dog “too old, totally unkempt, and nervy” (45), Lydia thinks he is describing her, too. The house seems so quiet now that their daughters are away at college.

Jeremy says he has to take a call and goes into his study. Lydia finds the dog comforting. She realizes she’s lost herself in being a wife and mother. She decides to ask if anyone at the social club wants to help with dog care.

As Art enters the social club meeting, he notes a sign announcing that the council will meet to discuss the future of the community center. Lydia has brought a Victoria sponge cake, which Art considers “[a] classic of its genre. The Dame Maggie Smith of baked goods” (48). Art brought whiskey to add to the tea. Ruby is knitting a red cap too large for a human head.

Lydia asks if anyone wants to help look after Pauline’s dog. Art, remembering the TV talent show with the prize money, offers to help. To his surprise, Daphne offers, too. The dog’s tag says her name is Maggie Thatcher, to Art’s dismay, but Lydia insists they cannot change her name. She shares some guidelines for Maggie’s care. Lydia looks shocked when she receives a text and Art thinks, “Lydia was most definitely not fine” (53).

Ziggy reflects on the path of his life, which, unlike a computer program, has “no return, no loop back to the beginning” (54). He had sex with his junior prom date without a condom. Jenna then said she would take the morning-after pill, but she was too hungover to go to the chemist and only later realized she was pregnant. Ziggy’s mother declared that he would take responsibility for the child. Ziggy feels confused and resentful that Jenna, baby-free, has gone on to live like a teenager.

At school, his computer science teacher, Mr. Wingate, offers to coach Ziggy on university admissions after school, and “[f]or a few moments, Ziggy was catapulted back into his old universe—the one where he’d had ambitions, and choices, where his future had been a blank screen just waiting for a new line of code to be inputted” (57). Ziggy says he will have to find childcare.

When he returns to the nursery, Ziggy is nearly run down by Anna on her mobility scooter; she used to be a long-distance truck driver. Janice is unable to work extra hours to watch Kylie, but Daphne offers to watch Kylie now and then after school if Ziggy will help her with internet dating.

Daphne is pleased at how her plan is unfolding and decides to attend the meeting discussing the community center. The center is underfunded and has no money for repairs.

Daphne is ignored when she raises her hand to speak and reflects, “She appeared to have jumped out of the frying pan of sexism and into the fire of ageism. The final frontier of isms” (65). She thumps her walking stick to get attention. The council head decides that the council will consider offers from developers while trying to find funds to repair the building.

Art works with the dog and learns she knows basic commands. He sees Lydia outside the tube station with her husband and overhears him being condescending to her. As he visits a newsstand, Art is ignored by the man behind the counter, so he steals a pack of Fruit Gums. He once enjoyed the thrill of shoplifting, and sometimes he does it in retaliation, like stealing from a retailer who insulted William because he is Black.

As Art walks Maggie past the community center, the children come out to pet the dog, all save for one boy who holds back. Art introduces him to the dog and learns that the boy’s name is Lucky. Lucky is a foster child and is nonverbal.

Lydia is enjoying herself at a dinner party but is squelched by Jeremy, who accuses her of being drunk. Lydia thinks about the text she received saying he would be at the restaurant at 7 and he missed her; she knows that text was not meant for her. When she asks Jeremy if he is having an affair, he accuses her of being hormonal and delusional.

Lydia takes refuge with her group at the senior club, who amuse themselves playing Truth or Dare Jenga. Ruby reveals that her mother-in-law always disliked her because Ruby is from Bangladesh. She still misses her husband, to whom she was married for 50 years. Lydia divulges that she suspects her husband of having an affair and Art volunteers William, a retired paparazzo, to follow him.