House Arrest

Timothy’s probation officer, James, suggests Timothy rethink his previous entries. If the judge is not satisfied, he may send Timothy to “juvie” (12). Timothy was not expecting James to read his journal and thinks it is unfair. He sees James on Mondays and Mrs. Bainbridge on Tuesdays. The only other places he is allowed to go are school and home. Timothy is on house arrest.

He tells the story of how he got in trouble a few weeks earlier. His baby brother, Levi, who needs a tracheotomy tube to breathe, requires expensive medical treatments and care. Timothy was helping his mother, Annie, attend to Levi’s needs, but his “head was full of fairy-tale/dwarves/named Foggy and Frosty and Sleepy/and Crazy” (14). People keep asking him what he was thinking when he stole the wallet, and he says he was not thinking. That is all there is to the story. He was trying to help and is not sorry even now. He is only sorry he got caught.

James tells Timothy he “should take that last part out” and had “better be sorry” if he wants to stay out of juvenile detention (15). Timothy mouths the words along with James, further angering him.

Nine months earlier, Timothy’s father “was still here” (15). They went out for pizza and toasted Levi’s birth with their root beers. That night, he slept at his friend José’s house. José’s mother woke him up in the middle of the night to tell him that he needed to go to the hospital. Levi was sick and might die, and they wanted Timothy to say goodbye. He had not believed bad things could happen “to brand-new babies/because they’re new and haven’t hurt anyone yet” (16).

He reiterates to James and Mrs. Bainbridge that they don’t “know anything/about anything” (17). He cannot tell them what was going on in his head because he knows only what was going on in his life.

Referring to Levi’s tracheotomy tube, Timothy wonders what it is like to “breathe through your neck/instead of your face” (19). He wonders what food tastes like and whether Levi can smell it. He assumes that swallowing must be “weird” because “Levi chokes a lot” (19). When he does, they use a suction machine to clear his tube.

James reminds Timothy that he needs to write more about the day he stole the wallet to prove that “house arrest is working,” and he does not need juvie to “set you straight”(20). Timothy says he knows things that he should not know—about his father leaving, his mother “working nights for extra money,” about Levi’s medicine costing astronomical amounts of money (20). His mother, Timothy believes, knows that he knows because “she knows everything,” except when or if his father will come back (21).

Timothy says a year is a long time to keep a journal and to be prevented from going out. He recalls the night he stole the wallet to pay for a month of Levi’s medicine, $1,445. He swiped the wallet from a checkout counter while a car accident momentarily distracted the wallet’s owner and the store’s manager. The cashier who later rang up Levi’s medicine, Bobby, mistrusted Timothy’s story that it was his uncle’s card but rang him up anyway. Timothy had a day and a half of “feeling like I could breathe” before the police came for him and “took away the medicine” too (23).

James says Timothy’s previous entry was “[b]etter, but not great” (25). He wants Timothy to “[s]how more feelings” to “[p]rove you’re not a sociopath” (25). Timothy repeats twice that he is “just a kid” (25). He does not know what the word sociopath means. Timothy lists words that he should not know but uses every day because of Levi’s illness: trach (for tracheotomy), wedge (a sling that Levi hangs in to ensure his tracheotomy tube remains “unobstructed” (26). These words are Timothy, Levi, and their mother’s “world” now (26). Timothy reflects that it does not seem “normal,” but since it happens every day, perhaps that makes it normal.

Timothy confesses that he cannot remember when he last did his homework. He does not have time for it because Levi is too sick and “there aren’t enough hands” (26). His mother has to work, and Levi’s nurse, Marisol, has to go home at night. Timothy wonders what will happen if José does his homework. Will the judge be angry if Timothy fails math? He notes that the math problem “What is 3 + 1” (the number of hours Levi slept the previous night) should be his math homework (27).

Timothy writes about his friend José, who he met in second grade. José has four sisters, and he likes coming to Timothy’s house because it is quieter, despite “Levi’s jackhammer suction machine/and breathing alarms” (27).

Timothy notes that “the problem with babies is that you can’t hate them,” even when you remember “all the times before the baby” when your father was “home and happy” and your mother “never cried herself to sleep” (28). Babies are too cute to hate: “Stupid cute babies. Complicating everything” (28).

Mrs. Bainbridge calls Timothy’s previous journal entry “a breakthrough” because he put “so many feeling words/all on one page” (29). Timothy does not feel he has “broken through anything” and wonders if “[m]aybe some things have broken through me” (29).

Timothy notes that he has essentially been on “house arrest since Levi came home” (29). Germs make Levi “so sick so fast” that they cannot take him outside the house. He says it is “not bad” but “[j]ust how it is” (29). As he remembers trips to the mall with José, though, Timothy realizes “[h]ouse arrest stinks” and resents the journal for calling his attention to that (30).

Because of his tracheotomy tube, Levi cannot produce sounds. They can tell when he is laughing or crying only by his facial expressions. Timothy wants to “make the noises for him” because “[y]ou should be able to scream when you need to scream” (31). Levi requires twenty-four-hour care, but Marisol comes only twice a week. When his mother works, Timothy takes care of Levi. Timothy says he needs “better excuses not to do my homework,/like a real kid” (32). Yet he likes Marisol and does not blame her for not always being available.

Timothy lists the foods he eats: macaroni and cheese, peanut butter without bread, powdered milk in his “stale cereal” (32). He goes to sleep hungry, “again” (32).

James confuses Timothy by telling him “there are no rules” for his journal (33). Previously, James insisted Timothy tell more about the day he stole the wallet.

Timothy describes hearing his mother crying and acknowledges that he caused her to cry by throwing family photos into the yard and yelling that his father is never going to come back. He apologized to her, collected the photos, and stashed them in the trunk of their car, where he has hidden the rest of his father’s things. He concludes, “Oh, great, now I’m crying, too./I hate this journal” (34).

After hearing a noise on his front porch, Timothy opens the front door to find two bags of groceries. 

Timothy remembers the shame he felt when he was processed in “juvie” (36). Mrs. Bainbridge notices that he is not wearing a coat and asks him if he needs one. She asks if he has received a flu shot. These cost money the family does not have to spare, but he does not feel Mrs. Bainbridge understands.

He describes an apathetic new night nurse who does not know Levi’s name, gender, or illness. Timothy calls his mother to urge her to come home because the nurse is not competent. Marisol is teaching Levi sign language: “She’s giving him a voice” (39). Marisol has long fingers that “wrap around things” (39). Timothy tries to copy her signs. When she touches his hand to show him how, he wants to hug her “really tight/and feel her hands wrap around me” (40). He asks whoever is reading his journal not to tell this to Marisol.

Addressing an entry to James, Timothy writes that he will “never do it again” (41). Still, he still wonders “what if” he had “one more magic wallet” and “all the bills got paid” (41). Mrs. Bainbridge asks Timothy to write to his father, and Timothy asks his father whether he thought about anyone but himself. Timothy wishes he could “drive/away, away, away,” but he would not because “there are people to take care of./People you left behind” (42).

Timothy calls swaddled baby Levi “an angry burrito” who cannot express his anger verbally because of his tracheotomy tube (42). Timothy describes the process of changing the tube, fastening it in place with cloth ties, and trying to distract the baby with “a story about/dragons and a knight/who talks with his hands” (43). Levi is happy when he gets his bottle, but he spits up, soiling the ties, and the process repeats, “an endless loop” (44).

Timothy goes to José’s house to borrow his math book and reflects on how their homes are identical from the outside and both chaotic within, but the chaos is of an entirely different nature. He is amazed that a “whole different dimension” can be “just three houses down” (45). José’s father buys an old car to restore.

Timothy’s mother drops a box of his father’s things at his feet and tells him she needs the car’s trunk for groceries. He imagines the box “on fire in an ocean of lava” (46). He says “[t]here are never any groceries to go in the trunk” (46). At that moment, Levi starts coughing, distracting his mother. Timothy is writing this from his room, where he is not thinking about how his father “sucks even more than the suction machine” (47).

Timothy finds more food outside his door: “fresh-squeezed orange juice,” “a box of chocolate doughnuts,” and “a bag of breakfast tacos” that taste like a “super sunny day” that warms up everything it touches (47).

Timothy addresses an entry to James, saying he knows he is not allowed to go to José’s house “to help work on the car” (48). Someone leaves a DVD called “Baby Signing Adventure” on the front doormat, and though the songs drive Timothy crazy, Levi loves it (48). Timothy writes to Mrs. Bainbridge that his mother will never, “in one million years/allow a benefit to raise money/to help us” (50).

Timothy has a math test. He describes his anxiety about the test, saying sharp-toothed, laser-eyed sharks reside in his throat and “[e]vil trolls” armed with “superheavy hammers” and “thundering fists” are in his head (52).

Marisol brings chains to replace the ties for Levi’s tracheotomy tube. She shows Timothy how to fasten them. The chains will be easier to clean. Timothy and Levi both smile. One of Levi’s other nurses attempts to reorganize his “go-bag,” a bag of necessary medical supplies for Levi should the family have to leave their house (53). It is “a tiny hospital/in an ugly red duffel” (53). Timothy hears his mother using her “I Will Kill You, But in a Superpolite Way voice” when she argues with the nurse about it (53). His father put together the go-bag, “the most perfect thing” he ever created, “[e]xcept maybe me. Har” (53).

Timothy describes the awkward, apologetic way people respond to Levi. Maybe the only thing Timothy likes about James is that he acts normal in his interactions with Levi. Timothy thanks James “for never being sorry” (55). Mrs. Bainbridge wants to call social services to get more help for Timothy, but he becomes agitated and upset. She agrees not to call them.

José complains about his father making José help him repair the car, about his sisters, about his lunch. Timothy is upset because José does not realize how lucky he has it.

Timothy gets sick, and Mrs. Bainbridge wants him to be seen by a clinic doctor. He does not tell her that this is impossible. The night nurse is off, and there is no one else to watch Levi. He would have to come with Timothy to the clinic, and they cannot risk exposing Levi to more germs.

At home, Timothy has to wear a mask to protect Levi from the cold. Marisol gives Timothy some flu pills from the previous year. He agrees to take them, though he insists he just has a cold. Timothy tries to teach Levi how to sign the word “brother,” but Levi is fussy. He feels warm and refuses his milk. Timothy is terrified Levi is getting sick. He writes, “please don’t have him be getting sick” five times (61).

James gives Timothy chicken soup, telling him studies have shown it is “like medicine” (62). Timothy sometimes shakes with anxiety. Mrs. Bainbridge puts a pillow on his head, heavy pillows on his arms, and a bowling ball in his lap. At first, Timothy thinks it is strange, but he realizes that it is “the first time since Levi was born” that he “could talk about things without shaking” (63). He feels calm, “almost even relaxed” (64).

Despite Timothy’s mask and repeated hand sanitizing, Levi gets sick. Timothy and his mother bring him to the hospital, and he is whisked into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). Seeing his mother break down weeping, Timothy resolves to ask José’s mother for help, even if his mother does not want it. Timothy admits he does not know what to do and feels lost.