Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success

Grant discusses ways in which givers can prevent themselves from becoming pushovers. One way they can do this is by conducting “sincerity screening,” which involves assessing the true intentions and motivations of another person when engaging in a giving relationship. Grant warns that many people are not good judges of whether someone is a giver or a taker. People tend to mentally correlate giving with agreeableness, but not all givers are agreeable, and not all takers are disagreeable.

Grant advises that givers “flex” their reciprocity to protect themselves when interacting with takers. He recommends an approach called “generous tit for tat” (194). In this approach, the giver starts off by giving, but once they realize they are dealing with a taker, they switch to a matcher style for about two-thirds of the time, switching back to giving for one out of three interactions. This strategy helps givers avoid being taken advantage of and allows them to maintain their giving nature while also protecting themselves.

In addition, Grant recommends that when givers engage with takers, they should not empathize with their feelings but rather use perspective-taking to understand their motivations and behaviors. Overall, he believes givers should “trust but verify” when interacting with new people (198).

Grant discusses how givers act when negotiating for themselves. He cites a study that compared the differences between men and women when negotiating salaries. Initially, the men ended up with higher salaries. However, when both parties were told to imagine that they were negotiating on behalf of a friend, the women successfully negotiated for salaries that were just as high. Grant links this to the concept of giving a “relational account,” or giving reasons that highlight the benefits and value to others rather than focusing solely on personal gain. He says that givers can use this strategy when negotiating; for instance, they can ask for more money because it will benefit their family, not just themselves.