Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape

Section 2 begins Maddie’s story, which Orenstein weaves through this chapter about rape and consent to humanize the data and research. Maddie had a friend with benefits whom she gave oral sex and with whom she lost her virginity. She was happy with that experience, but then she learned he was having sex with someone else. She hoped to get revenge by looking hot and hooking up with one of his friends, but instead wound up at a party with a bunch of drunk boys she didn’t know well. Everyone but her decided she would hook up with Josh at this party.

In 2013, the FBI defined rape as “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim” (176). Colleges and universities are legally obligated to report sexual assault or they will lose federal funding. That came about after Jeanne Clery was raped and murdered at Lehigh University in 1986.

When colleges and universities continued to not hold assailants responsible, college women began to take public stands against university policies. One example is Emma Sulkowicz, a Columbia University student who carried her 50-pound dorm mattress around campus until the school finally expelled her rapist.

The rates of reported campus sexual assaults almost doubled between 2009 and 2013, likely due to women being more willing to step forward as they began to believe they might be heard. Orenstein argues that more attention needs to be put on secondary school sexual assault, which is even more common than assaults in college. She cites instances of boys who posted social media comments about and pictures of their sexual assaults, calling them funny or, most commonly “hilarious.” Orenstein suggests that “hilarious” is used by boys in the same way girls use “awkward”: to distance themselves from upsetting or confusing situations they might find difficult to handle.

Often, rapists receive sympathy from people who suggest their bright futures might be damaged because they made one mistake. They rarely receive serious repercussions. The survivors, though, have to live with their assaults forever.

Maddie wound up in a car with Josh and a couple of other seniors. The other boy and girl disappeared into the woods, leaving Maddie and Josh alone, and Josh kissed her. She didn’t want him to, but she also didn’t know how to say no without coming off uncool; these were seniors after all. He tried to push her head down, but she refused, and Josh pouted. Then the others joined them again, and the other boy told Maddie she needed to drink the rest of the rum because he couldn’t drive with an open container of alcohol. He wouldn’t start the car until the bottle was empty. “Be cool,” he told her. After that, she remembers Josh pulling her onto his lap before blacking out. 

Approximately 80% of campus sexual assaults involve alcohol consumption by both the victim and assailant, yet when Emily Yoffe wrote in Slate in 2013 that girls should be aware that heavy drinking increases their vulnerability to sexual assault, she was called a rape apologist. Many backed Yoffe, saying she was providing education to young women, not blaming them. Others, mostly young women themselves, argued that her focus was misplaced, and we should work on getting boys to stop raping girls: Focus on their alcohol consumption and educate them about sexual assault. Research shows that alcohol inhibits men’s awareness of others’ distress and increases their aggression. Sober men are much less likely to assault others, and they’re more likely to stop an assault they witness.

Orenstein plans to discuss the risks of binge drinking with her daughter, regardless of who one feels is to blame. Her biggest concern is that the issue of alcohol and assault is more complicated than it seems, from circumstances where both victim and assailant are blackout drunk to combinations like vodka and Red Bull that make drinkers feel less drunk than they are. Focusing on girls’ drinking seems to be an easy solution, but it isn’t nearly enough.

Maddie remembered that Josh encouraged her to have sex with him, but she came to while she was on top of him and his penis was inside her. She began to cry and asked to go home. Because she wouldn’t stop crying, they dropped her off at a strip mall.

Maddie’s friend contacted the other boy in the car and told him Josh raped Maddie. He denied it, and Josh told Maddie to stop spreading lies about him raping her. She said she didn’t, but it didn’t stop there. The other girl who was in the car spread the rumor that Maddie cried rape because she was embarrassed about losing her virginity in the back of a car. Over months, the rumors got worse, suggesting Maddie was pregnant or had an abortion. She finally withdrew from school and finished high school through community college.

In 2014, some people suggested publicly that rape accusations were from vengeful girls who regretted their own behaviors. Conservatives claimed that false reports make up 40 to 50% of rape accusations. Jody Raphael, in her book Rape Is Rape, refutes that statistic, noting it comes from a 1994 study that wasn’t based on evidence or investigations. False reports happen, but studies suggest that they comprise between 2 and 8% of total reports. Orenstein highlights that most victims aren’t believed anyway, and 80% of campus rapes aren’t reported at all. Even then, only 13 to 30% of those accused are found responsible.

Culturally, sexual initiation is seen as a masculine right. Orenstein notes that American culture continues to see boys’ strong libidos as normal, and girls are still the ones expected to keep male sex drives in check. She writes that this comes with bad consequences for girls: “Those dynamics create a haven for below-the-radar offenses that make a certain level of sexual manipulation, even violence, normal and acceptable” (195). As gatekeepers, girls are perceived as the receiving end of sexual behavior. Orenstein asserts that girls don’t have real agency in this dynamic because saying “yes” or pursuing sex themselves often encourages boys’ sense of entitlement to girls’ bodies. In this way, boys and girls aren’t on an even playing field.

A psychologist who works with girls on refusal tactics adds that most sexual coercion and violence occur in situations that are not obviously dangerous. A girl might have already been in sexual situations with the boy before, but then he starts pushing it further, often using guilt-inducing tactics. Many girls don’t notice this shift, so she teaches them how to notice when it happens. Often, the girls she works with worry about hurting boys’ feelings and egos. Girls are generally expected to be kind and compassionate, and they’re afraid of being rude or “bitchy.” As a result, they rarely learn to have strong, firm boundaries regarding their own needs and wants, especially if those needs and wants negate someone else’s.

In 2014, California passed the “yes means yes” law, which is an “affirmative consent” policy; rather than put the onus on the victim to prove that she said “no,” these laws require the assailant to prove he got a clear “yes.” Other states have begun to institute affirmative consent policies as well. It’s unclear if affirmative consent policies decrease campus assaults, but they can help reframe the conversation away from blaming and divisiveness and toward reconsidering what healthy, consensual sexual interactions can look like.