Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock

The P-38’s trigger refuses to move. Leonard cries out, enraged. He dials the number Herr Silverman gave him. The teacher answers, but Leonard cannot speak in reply. Herr Silverman guesses that it is Leonard. Leonard makes a noise to assure his teacher of his identity. 

Herr Silverman repeatedly asks where Leonard is, but Leonard doesn’t answer. Eventually he says, “It’s my birthday today. No one remembered” (211). Herr Silverman wishes him a happy birthday. Leonard reveals his location, and Herr Silverman stays on the phone as he hails a taxi and travels toward Leonard. Leonard feels comforted but reminds himself that he can still kill himself if the secret of Herr Silverman’s shirtsleeves proves less powerful than he hopes. 

Herr Silverman, still on the phone with Leonard, reaches the bridge and tells the taxi driver to wait for them. He tells Leonard he is finding a pathway down to the shoreline where Leonard waits. 

Herr Silverman guesses that Leonard’s gun is the Nazi P-38 that he referenced in Holocaust class that day. Herr Silverman asks Leonard to hand him the gun. Leonard asks if Herr Silverman is trained to de-escalate student issues like these, and Herr Silverman says no. Leonard feels self-loathing and rage. 

Herr Silverman asks Leonard about the letters from the future, and Leonard admits he wrote them. Herr Silverman tells Leonard that the people he imagined in his future symbolize friends he will encounter someday. Herr Silverman knows this from his teenage years, when he also wrote himself letters from the future. Leonard says his imaginary life at Outpost 37 made him think about suicide.

Herr Silverman, illuminating his right arm with his phone, shows Leonard his pink triangle tattoo. This symbol designated gay prisoners in Nazi concentration camps. Herr Silverman describes his difficult adolescence, living as a closeted gay man and later reappropriating the Nazi symbol to assert his true self. Herr Silverman shows Leonard the quote tattooed on his left arm. Herr Silverman believes Leonard’s uniqueness adds great value to the world. 

Leonard repeatedly tells Herr Silverman he is not gay but that Asher Beal is. Leonard admits that he intended to kill Asher that evening. After a long pause, Leonard bursts forth with the story of Asher abusing him. He begins to cry, and Herr Silverman holds him. Herr Silverman tells Leonard it’s possible for men to be rape survivors. Leonard tells Herr Silverman how hopeless he feels, and his teacher encourages him.

Herr Silverman suggests that Leonard toss the P-38 in the river. They discuss the challenge of holding onto hope despite the forces that come against them. Leonard imagines how content Herr Silverman must appear as he commutes home. Leonard hurls his grandfather’s gun into the river. Herr Silverman says Leonard should stay with him, because Linda is in New York. 

Herr Silverman texts his partner Julius in the taxi while Leonard fears that he has ruined his favorite teacher’s perception of him. Leonard uses Linda’s credit card to pay the expensive taxi fees. Leonard worries that Herr Silverman will be penalized for having a student at his apartment. Leonard enters Herr Silverman and Julius’s home, which features an eye-catching painting depicting world leaders’ heads beneath a large tree. 

Leonard anxiously listens to Herr Silverman and Julius fighting in the bedroom. Herr Silverman has papered over the Bronze Star and inscribed it with a peace sign and Leonard’s initials. Leonard’s heart swells at this birthday gift. 

Leonard asks about Herr Silverman’s relationship with Julius and if he appeared in Herr Silverman’s letters from the future. Leonard feels doubtful that the same will happen for him and pins the medal on his chest. 

Herr Silverman insists on calling Linda and urging her to get Leonard help for his mental health, but she doesn’t pick up. Leonard asks about the painting, and Herr Silverman insists it doesn’t have to possess a certain meaning for someone to enjoy it. Leonard describes his photograph of the P-38 beside his breakfast. Exhausted, Leonard falls asleep on Herr Silverman’s couch.