Everything We Never Said

Sawyer stops for gas after he drops Ella off at home, and he buys a toy car for Callan. When he gets home, his mom tells him that she didn’t get the job. Sawyer grows incredibly angry, and he starts crying and yelling. He slams his fist into the kitchen table, cracking the leg and refusing to accept the situation. He throws the toy car against the wall before he sees Callan in the doorway, wide-eyed and terrified. Sawyer feels instant regret, and when Callan runs away, he tries to follow. However, their mom stops him, yelling and accidentally calling Sawyer by his father’s name. He realizes that he is behaving just like his abusive father.

After Sawyer drops her off, the sight of his car’s lights prompts another flashback. She remembers Hayley screaming at her to drive faster and unbuckling her seatbelt, but she can’t remember what made Hayley so terrified. She believes what Hayley wrote, but she cannot reconcile Hayley’s “S” with the Sawyer she knows. Ella trusts Hayley, but she also trusts herself, and she believes that he cares about her. She thinks that she must be missing something, so she vows to read just one more entry to see if the answer is there.

Hayley writes about a time when Ella was furious about the way a book ended. She describes Ella as possessing “the heart of a baby Cavalier King Charles spaniel” (166), yet her anger in this instant was extreme and real. She figures that if Ella can lose her temper and throw a book, then anyone can lose their temper like “S” did. He tells Hayley about the way his father abused him and his mom, and Hayley explains that, instead of having one awful dad who wouldn’t leave, she’s had a string of awful dads who wouldn’t stay. She feels guilty, claiming that it’s her fault for being so unlovable.

A few days later, “S” encourages her to go shopping with Ella, but then he lets himself into Hayley’s dressing room while she is trying on clothes. They have sex, and she revels in his attention. She stops writing when “S” picks her up. However, when she resumes, her mood is greatly changed. Now, she feels ashamed and humiliated. She could tell when she got in his car that “S” was not in a good mood. She compares his bad moods to different categories of storms: category fives ruin the evening, category threes can be salvageable, and ones and twos mean that he just needs a little quiet to calm down. He apologizes for his outburst, and she assumes that this is a category one. They go to the Burger Shack, and “S” gets a table while Hayley orders. She speaks with the cashier, who gives her extra fries, and “S” assumes that she was flirting. He forces her to drop the tray, spilling their food, and drags her outside. When Hayley denies his accusation, he hits her across the face, slamming her head into the window. Now, Hayley is baffled by her feelings of embarrassment. She used to say that she would never let anyone abuse her and that she’d kill a man first. Now, though, she’s ashamed of herself and feels guilty for judging other women who endured such abuse. She wishes that she could tell Ella but feels like she cannot.

Ella is horrified, and she cries, wondering what to do about Sawyer now. She fears that he has everyone fooled. Her mom sees how upset she is and wants to help, but Ella is afraid that her mom will never get past all the ways that Ella’s betrayed her trust. Ella goes to school and heads straight to Mr. Wilkens’s office. She tells him that she’s been seeing Sawyer, and he guesses at her guilt. She tells him that Sawyer hit Hayley and wonders how he hides his real self, and Mr. Wilkens tells her that this is common for abusers. She tells him about the diary and says that no one else knows she has it. He gives her his number and tells her to call if she ever feels alone.

It’s the fall festival, and Ella is miserable. She’s been watching Sawyer, who’s been sweet with the kids as he sells candy apples. Phoebe and Sean arrive, and a drunken Phoebe makes a snide comment, prompting Ella to say that Hayley deserved better than Phoebe. Phoebe scoffs and says that it’s a happy ending because Hayley doesn’t have to endure life’s pain and Phoebe gets her own life back. Ella remembers her grandmother’s words about love and how it can be complicated. She tells Phoebe to leave, but Phoebe says more hurtful things. Sean pulls her away, but he winks at Ella over his shoulder.

Sawyer comes over, saying that he’s missed seeing Ella for the past few days. When he reaches to touch her cheek, she flinches, and his face falls. He asks her to do the corn maze with him, but she declines. Then, Seema shows up, asking Ella to do the corn maze with a group of girls, and Ella thinks that she and Sawyer could go with them. In the maze, they must answer trivia questions, and these determine which direction the group goes. When Sawyer and another girl disagree, Ella feels like she must take Sawyer’s side, so the two of them go off on their own. He asks why she’s been distant, and she asks if he’s hiding anything from her. He says that he got bad news the night after they went to the pool; his mom was passed over for a job that would have changed their lives. Ella is surprised that he’s so upset about it, and her surprise strikes him as insensitive, causing him to raise his voice. He says that he reacted poorly, that he got angry and now Callan is afraid of him. When Ella asks if Callan is all right, Sawyer can’t believe that she thinks he’d hurt his brother. She says that he would never mean to hurt them, and his “wounded fury” grows. She references “everything [his] dad did to [him]” (159), and he asks how she knows about his father, assuming that Hayley told her. She says that she might have “read” about his dad, realizing her mistake too late, and Sawyer demands to know what she means. She suggests that Sawyer talk to Mr. Wilkens and says that he’s really helped her lately; Sawyer can’t believe that Ella is choosing the counselor over him. In his anger, he kicks a bale of hay so hard that it breaks apart in the air; she sobs aloud, saying that he’s scaring her, and his body is trembling all over. He steps toward her, but she runs. He seems unfamiliar, and she wonders if she knows him at all.

Hayley writes about the abuse that “S” endured from his father when he was young and how he blames that abuse for his anger now. Hayley tells “S” that he scared her, and he yells at her for making him feel worse after he opened up to her. She feels guilty and knows that he’s trying to be better. She believes that he’s a good person who’s working through hard things, but she cannot shake the sense of foreboding that is so strong that it makes her nauseous.

Sawyer texts an apology to Ella, but he wants to know how she found out about his dad. She texts Mr. Wilkens, who tells her to come to his office tomorrow. She assumes that Sawyer knows about Hayley’s diary after her slip. The next day, she approaches Mr. Wilkens’s office, but Sawyer stops her. When his eyes “darken” and he demands that she talk to him instead, she bolts. She heads to a park and texts Mr. Wilkens. He arrives dressed for a run, and she notes how attractive he is. His kind words help, but as they walk an unfamiliar path, Ella realizes how near the spot of the accident they are. When she is nearly hit by an oncoming truck, she flashes back to the accident, recalling Hayley saying that “he” was trying to kill her and that he would kill them both. When Ella returns to the present, Mr. Wilkens is holding her. She tells him what she remembered, and she sees fear cross his ashen face. She believes that they both think it was Sawyer chasing her car that night.

Hayley is pregnant. She took several tests, and they all came back positive. She knows that, to “S,” love means control and that he thinks she belongs to him. She remembers how much she used to love his desire to protect her, wondering if she brought this on herself. She fears that “S” will use the pregnancy to control her completely or that “S” will resent the baby because it will take her attention from him. She knows that he won’t let her get an abortion, but this is what she wants. She doesn’t know how she can get away from him long enough to get one or even how she would pay for it. She feels like she is suffocating.