Dark Matter

They are down to 32 ampoules of the compound. They have been to four versions of Chicago that are almost—but not quite—Jason’s home. The effect is profoundly unsettling, like the “uncanny valley” phenomenon of viewing a robot that is extremely lifelike yet so “off” that it inspires revulsion. They have been sleeping in the box, and when they enter the next Chicago, they decide to get a hotel room, rest, and clean themselves up.

They get a room with double beds at the Hotel Royale, the same outdated one Jason stayed in on his first night after the abduction. They go out to dinner at a restaurant Jason knows, then have a drink at his local bar, Village Tap. The bartender does not recognize him. Jason feels like he is losing his emotional connection to his world; it’s fading like a dream. He wakes up, and Amanda is next to him in bed. He wants to sleep with her but decides he would feel guilty. He asks her to go back to her bed.

They have 24 ampoules left. In some of the worlds they’ve visited, either Jason or his wife has died. In the world they visit next, Jason strikes up a conversation with Daniela (she does not know him) at a co-op art gallery in Bucktown where she works. He asks her out for coffee, but she becomes uncomfortable, and he leaves.

They have 16 ampoules left. Jason watches a version of himself walk onto the El platform on the way to Lakemont College. It is the morning of October 30, almost a month from the day he was abducted.

In this world, Jason teaches at Lakemont College, Daniela is a graphic designer, and Charlie attends a charter school. It is the closest thing to the life he knows. Jason realizes that even in the worlds where he didn’t marry Daniela or have Charlie, he didn’t find meteoric success: Only Jason2 invented the box. His decision to get married and have a family is not as deterministic to his career as he believed: There are “[w]orlds where I left Daniela and our careers still amounted to nothing. Or where I left and we both found moderate levels of success, but failed to set the world on fire” (227). He and Jason2 represent polar opposites of “Jason Dessen.” Jason is the happiest in his family life, and Jason2 is the most successful in his career.

Jason walks to his neighborhood, and, from a vantage point where he can see Daniela inside her house, he calls her on a prepaid phone. She answers, asking him why he is calling from a strange number. He claims he’s borrowing someone else’s phone because his died; he tells her how much he loves her and how lucky he is to be with her. She asks him if something is wrong, but he says no. After they hang up, Daniela stands up, and Jason sees that she is pregnant; Charlie will have a sibling.

He stays out all day, following Daniela and Jason when they go out to dinner and then to a movie. He realizes with horror that this is what Jason2 must have done to him for weeks. He returns to the hotel after midnight, and Amanda is furious because she thought he left her. She tries to convince him that their approach is not working and tells him he will have a psychotic break if he keeps chasing a life that no longer exists for him. He has filled five notebooks with “increasingly manic scrawl” (233), trying to record as many details as possible to arrive at the right world. He knows they don’t have many chances left, but he doesn’t know what else to do.

Jason wakes up in the hotel room alone. Amanda has left a note on the dresser with eight ampoules of the compound, half the money, and the backpack. She says she has become attached to Jason and that perhaps her subconscious is interfering with him returning to his world. To get back, he needs to focus on his feelings, not the details in the notebooks. She needs to find her own path, and she hopes he finds his.

In the next world, Daniela does not exist. In the one after that, three teenagers beat Jason up and steal his backpack. He has taped the ampoules to his chest, but three have broken, leaving only three left. He has no money or other supplies.

In the next world, he begs for money and gets $28.15, which he uses for a train ride to his neighborhood and a meal. It is cold and rainy. He goes to the alley behind his house and sleeps on a flattened box. He does this for eight nights, begging for enough money each day for food. One night, he buys a bottle of liquor, gets drunk, and breaks into the Dessen family’s house. He stands in the bedroom at three o’clock in the morning, watching Daniela and Jason sleep. He considers killing this Jason and taking over his life—but realizes he would feel too guilty. Then he realizes that for a moment, he gave up on finding his own world. He buys clothes at a thrift store and gets a hotel room with the money he’s saved. He takes a shower and decides to use the last two ampoules to continue his search.

In his notebook, Jason writes about the night he met Daniela. He is 27, an atomic physicist who spends most of his time at the lab. One night, he goes to a party and sees a tall, lanky artist talking to a dark-haired woman in a blue dress. The woman looks uncomfortable, and Jason knows the artist is “that guy [who] fucks everyone” (243). Jason takes two glasses of wine over, and the woman takes one from his hand like she was waiting for him. The artist leaves, and Jason and Daniela introduce themselves. Jason instantly falls in love. Jason wants to ask her out but cannot work up the nerve. Daniela invites him to a friend’s gallery opening.

Jason has one ampoule left. He walks the endless corridor in the box, hoping to find the door that takes him to that Daniela, “the woman I saw at that backyard party all those years ago” (245). He takes a deep breath and opens the door.