Confessions of a Mask

At 12, Kochan begins to discover his own sexuality, but his erections and sexual functions bewilder him. He sets out methodically to learn what arouses him. He discovers that his attractions to men and heroic, tragic figures are not just aesthetic, but sexual—and this attraction extends to his fascination with death, blood, and violence. The things that had fascinated him as a child gain a new dimension as he enters puberty. He hides gory pictures out of shame at the lust they create in him. Despite this, he is not able to ejaculate to them. This changes when he looks through an art volume from Europe, which his father had hidden from him so he would not see the nude women in the art. In this book, he finds a painting of St. Sebastian by Guido Reni. The saint is mostly nude and youthfully beautiful but covered in arrow wounds. Aroused by the painting, Kochan masturbates for the first time. Kochan then delivers a history of St. Sebastian and an unfinished prose poem about the saint’s death and his reaction to the painting, noting, “And was not such beauty as his a thing destined for death?” (45). He muses that, to him, attraction to men and sadism seem connected.

Kochan’s parents leave his grandparents’ house, which devastates his grandmother. Kochan still goes to stay with her one night a week due to her intense attachment to him. Eventually his father leaves for Osaka to work, leaving the rest of the family behind in Tokyo. Kochan’s health continues to suffer as he grows older, but he eventually goes to middle school. His parents prevent him from living in the dormitories, claiming that they are protecting his poor health, though really they are trying to keep him from being corrupted.

At school, Kochan’s classmates joke about sex and play a game called “Dirty,” in which they grab each other’s genitals and tease one another about the size. Kochan plays the game with the others thoughtlessly. Kochan develops a fascination with a “delinquent” named Omi, who is several years older and much more physically developed than him and the other boys. After a student makes a joke about Omi’s penis and sexual exploits with women, Kochan ties together his own masturbation and Omi’s body, forming a rudimentary awareness of his attraction to Omi. He ceases to take part in “Dirty,” afraid of getting close to Omi and realizing more things through the game.

His crush on Omi progresses with the school year. Before school one morning, Kochan watches Omi write his own name in English with his footsteps in the snow and is entranced. He tries to get Omi’s attention and, when the older boy looks up, runs for him at full speed. When he gets close, Omi’s humanity and their similar loneliness shocks him, and the passion leaves him. Kochan describes Omi’s features at length, defining him as unwittingly perfect for his harshness; when he shows a gentler side, the illusion breaks, leaving Kochan disappointed. Omi grabs Kochan’s cheeks to show him what his leather gloves feel like, and Kochan falls in love with Omi at the touch. From that point on, Omi defines the men Kochan finds attractive; careless behavior and strength attract him, but he cannot find intellectual engagement appealing.

Another day at school, Kochan and the other second-year students take over a playground swinging log, preventing the first-year students from accessing it. Omi stands on the log and plays king of the hill, pushing all the other boys off in quick succession. Strung between impulsiveness and self-preservation, Kochan succumbs to Omi’s handsomeness and climbs on the log. Omi plays along, holding his punches and making faces at Kochan, who is frustrated by this desecration of his beauty. As Kochan falls, he grabs Omi’s fingertips, and they share a passionate glance, in which Kochan believes Omi realizes that Kochan is in love with him. They both fall, and Omi allows Kochan to lean on him as they walk away. Kochan is thrilled by their closeness.

Kochan’s love for Omi is primarily sexual, and Kochan becomes obsessed with the idea of seeing Omi naked. Due to sickness, he misses a physical examination and makes it up the next day. He stares at a skinny boy and realizes that he has missed the chance to see Omi’s body, which he regrets. His regret changes to joy when the examination reveals that he is severely underweight: He is relieved that Omi was not around to hear that he is only 88 pounds. Kochan’s health continues to suffer, preventing him from taking part in gymnastics. Kochan watches Omi, dressed in only his undershirt, perform on the horizontal bar. The hair in his armpits and his muscularity arouse Kochan. While the other boys react with joy at Omi’s masculinity, Kochan has an erection. Soon after, Omi’s vitality and masculinity overwhelm him with jealousy, and he decides he is no longer in love with Omi.

Kochan sets out to discipline himself. He scowls at people he passes to appear strong and tries to envision himself having a body like Omi’s. He renounces love, although he still thoughtlessly masturbates. He eventually realizes that his jealousy was just a different form of adoration for Omi. He goes to the beach and, unable to swim, sits at the shore, where he thinks of Omi and St. Sebastian. He eventually looks at his own armpits and masturbates into a crashing wave that almost sweeps him away. When he returns to school, he discovers that Omi has been expelled. As the students discuss Omi’s bad personality, Kochan envisions the boy’s execution in the same method as St. Sebastian’s. Kochan’s sexual impulses grow more uncontrollable after Omi’s departure. He masturbates in school when he pictures his young teacher as a statue of Hercules. Kochan develops anemia and believes it may be because of his masturbation. He feels overwhelmed him with shame, as he believes that the doctor must know his secret.

He ties his anemia and his bloodlust together and describes the murder theater in his mind, where young men die brutally for his entertainment. He has envisioned the perfect, most gory deaths, all with primitive weapons, and subjects any young man that attracts him to them. He engages in a cannibalistic dream sequence about his classmate, a handsome young swimmer. As imaginary cooks prepare the boy’s body on a platter, Kochan kisses his lips. Kochan then raises a knife and stabs the boy in the heart, splattering himself with blood. Despite these visions, Kochan continues to believe that he, like all the other boys, is destined for heterosexual romance and marriage.

A student Kochan is in love with asks about his visit to a deceased classmate’s house, and Kochan delivers a message about the student’s mother that his friend interprets as flirtatious. Kochan is confused and grows miserable when he realizes that he and his crush do not share the same perspective on women. Although up until that point he had been content to remain himself, “the time had come when [he] must make a start, must drag [his] heavy feet forward” (100), even if the life he pursues is all fake.