Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

“Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries.”

When people are uncertain about how to differentiate between their own issues and others’ issues, they are in essence uncertain how to set boundaries in their life. This confusion is not rooted in culture or an oppressive system, but an individual problem with understanding boundaries.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”

According to the authors, people’s sense of self is determined by their boundaries. The more people understand themselves, their wants and needs, the more they are able to establish healthy boundaries in their lives.

“We are responsible to others and for ourselves.”

This quote is the authors’ interpretation of the biblical concept of “carrying each other’s burdens,” which promotes collective responsibility within a community. Having boundaries doesn’t preclude one’s different roles and responsibilities to others.

“The most basic boundary that defines you is your physical skin.”

As the authors explain different boundaries, they start with the most primordial: one’s own physical being. This is foundational to understanding individuality as every person should have the right to set boundaries regarding how others touch them.

“Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift.”

The authors preemptively correct the notion that boundaries are a refusal of affection. On the contrary, they argue that humans’ “greatest gift”—giving and responding to love—happens in its truest form once healthy boundaries allow a person to flourish.

“Many people have good functional boundaries, but poor relational ones; that is, they can perform tasks at quite high levels of competence, but they may not be able to tell a friend that they don’t like their chronic lateness.”

Here, the authors point out that someone with healthy boundaries in the context of work or performance may not always be effective at setting up said boundaries in their relationships. This insight exacerbates the dichotomy between personal and professional spheres.

“God’s world is set up with laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you do not know them, you will discover their effects.”

This passage is a clear example of the authors’ unapologetic articulation of their own Christian worldview, which revolves around ideas and principles derived from the Bible. According to them, boundary issues can be contextualized by significant spiritual realities that govern all of human existence.

“The whole concept of boundaries has to do with the fact that we exist in relationship. Therefore, boundaries are really about relationship, and finally about love.”

Boundaries are not an attempt to isolate people from relationships, but rather strategies and interventions that help improve relationships. Even loving relationships can collapse without the presence of healthy boundaries for sustainability.

“Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone.”

Again, the authors clarify that boundaries are not meant to aggressively shut others out. Rather, boundaries are meant to protect people from bad emotional habits that lead to emotional and physical burnout.

“Establishing boundaries with families of origin is a tough task, but one with great reward.”

Boundaries are not only reserved for demanding bosses or clingy friends, but one’s own family. As people grow out of childhood into adulthood, their need to set up healthy boundaries with family is anchored in a desire to see familial relationships flourish.

“Friends are symbols of how meaningful our lives have been. The saddest people on earth are those who end their days with no relationships in which they are truly known and truly loved.”

The authors return to the idea that boundaries are meant to enhance relationships so people can create intimacy via friendships in a safe way. People without friends are often people without established boundaries, those who never learned to wield boundaries as a tool to preserve and develop relationships that bring joy.

“It’s scary to realize that the only thing holding our friends to us isn’t our performance, or our lovability, or their guilt, or their obligation. The only thing that will keep them calling, spending time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that’s the one thing we can’t control.”

Unlike one’s family, one’s friends have no real obligation to provide loyalty and love. Friendships are often intimidating because they are built on mutual trust.

“More marriages fail because of poor boundaries than for any other reason.”

Here, the authors make the bold claim that unhealthy boundaries are the leading contributor to failed marriages. This collapse often happens because one or more spouses violate the other’s personhood, overstepping their role in the relationship in order to control the other person.

“The family is the social unit God invented to fill up the world with representatives of his loving character.”

According to the authors, families are a construct designed by God himself to infuse the world with his love. Thus, the importance of family in developing every person’s sense of belonging is vital.

“Parents have a sober responsibility: teaching their children to have an internal sense of boundaries and to respect the boundaries of others.”

While there are no guarantees that children will follow their parents’ guidance and modeling of healthy boundaries, parents must nonetheless embrace this responsibility. The authors emphasize the sober nature of this responsibility by referring to a biblical passage (James 3:1) that expresses how teachers—or parents—will be judged more strictly.

“A lack of boundaries creates problems in the workplace. In consulting for corporations, I have seen lack of boundaries as the major problem in many management squabbles.”

In their chapter on boundary issues in the workplace, the authors illustrate how a lack of boundaries can negatively affect an organization on a systemic level. Just as marriages collapse without healthy boundaries, companies also fall apart when relationships aren’t defined by clear expectations.

“When we can’t hold back, or set boundaries, on what comes from our lips, our words are in charge—not us. But we are still responsible for those words.”

People are responsible for what they say. When people don’t respect their own or others’ boundaries when it comes to words, they run the risk of fracturing relationships.

“Certainly, the Bible contains rules, principles, and stories that explain what it is like to exist on this earth. But to us, the Bible is a living book about relationship.”

Here, the authors articulate their reason for using the Bible as a guide for their own book. This passage is contextualized within the chapter that addresses boundaries and God. Since God is a relational being, understanding boundaries in one’s relationship with him is just as important as understanding those in human relationships.

“Boundaries help us to be the best we can be—in God’s image. They let us see God as he really is.”

Establishing boundaries in one’s relationships is not merely a practical tool to avoid burnout. For the authors, boundaries allow humans as a whole to fulfill their divine purpose, living as God designed them to live.

“The driving force behind boundaries has to be desire. We usually know what is the right thing to do in life, but we are rarely motivated to do it unless there’s a good reason.”

The authors argue that boundaries mustn’t feel like a chore or obligation, but a genuine want. If people want their relationships to flourish, they must want to engage in the hard work of setting up healthy boundaries.

“Boundaries are not built in a vacuum. They must be undergirded by strong bonding to safe people, or they will fail. If you have a good support group to go to after setting boundaries with someone you love, you will not be alone.”

The authors once again emphasize that boundaries are a tool to enhance relationships, not a tactic to elude them. However, boundaries are only successful if one has people who will champion their choices to establish relational limits.

“Our inability to get angry is generally a sign that we are afraid of the separateness that comes with telling the truth.”

According to the authors, when a person becomes aware of their own anger, acknowledging and naming the emotion, they’re often on the path to realizing that they need stronger boundaries. When a person cannot feel anger, they are living in a state of emotional detachment that is often anchored in fear of confronting the source of their anger, fear of consequences.

“Individuals with mature boundaries aren’t frantic, in a hurry, or out of control. They have a direction in their lives, a steady moving toward their personal goals. They plan ahead.”

While establishing boundaries requires hard work, sacrifice, and a rewiring of old habits, people who manage to build a strong foundation will eventually reap the benefits of a life filled with direction and purpose. Establishing healthy boundaries is the first major step towards relational maturity.