Behind Her Eyes

In this chapter of only one short paragraph and a single line, an omniscient third-person narrator refers to “a terrible and necessary act” (5) committed in a wood by a relieved, remorseless, and yet nameless male character.

This chapter is written in the first person from Adele’s point of view. She has just cooked dinner and cleaned up the house and garden after a fight with David earlier in the day. He comes home, clearly drunk, and goes straight to bed. Adele perceives his loathing and disgust for her and feels rejected but determined to keep trying as, “This is our fresh start. Our new beginning. It has to be” (8). She wonders why he cannot still love her. She goes to bed, vowing never to give up on David.

The first-person narrator, in Louise’s voice, discusses with her friend Sophie the night she met David at a bar, they kissed, and she found out he was both married and her new boss. She was attracted to him but now feels guilty and worried she will lose her job. She is jealous of his beautiful wife and has low self-confidence. Although she loves her son very much, Louise’s life as a single mother is lonely, dull, and routine. The two women laugh together about the events while smoking marijuana and drinking wine.

Louise reflects to herself about Sophie’s repeated affairs and the secrets she keeps from her husband.

Louise wakes up and finds herself in the middle of one of her night terrors, having sleepwalked into the bathroom in a recurrent nightmare about her son Adam being lost.

She recalls the pleasure of the encounter with David but fears his embarrassment when he sees her at work and recognizes her.

This chapter is again in Adele’s voice, as is every chapter with her name as its title; the chapters with Louise’s name are from Louise’s perspective.

David leaves for work and Adele is left alone and feeling relieved. She recounts the previous day’s events: walking around their new neighborhood, joining the expensive health club, shopping for gourmet food, visiting David’s clinic and meeting his partner, Dr. Sykes. She reflects on how she charmed him with her beauty, as she does everyone: “It’s only the luck of skin and bones, but I’ve learned that it does have a magic” (20). She mentions the receptionist (Louise), who “scurried away” (16) when they arrived. Adele looks forward to dressing up for dinner at Dr. Sykes’s house that night with aim of making David proud. She lies down for a rest and recalls every detail of David’s office.

Louise dresses more attractively than usual for work, feeling nervous and full of “jittering emotions” (24). At the office, she looks at photos on David’s desk of him and Adele, when he walks in. He is very shocked when he recognizes her; she is embarrassed and explains that she is his secretary—not a stalker. He laughs and slightly relaxes, then apologizes and expresses his regret about the events in the bar. They properly introduce themselves and he asks for her help as a local in identifying areas where he can do outreach work in addiction—his specialty. They talk for an hour, after which Louise feels more relaxed and tells herself: “Everything will be normal, […] our small moment brushed under the carpet of life” (31).

The chapters entitled “Then” are written in the third person, but from Adele’s point of view. They are all set in the past.

Adele has just arrived at Westlands, a remote old house in the middle of the Scottish Highlands which is now a therapy center. She wonders about the family that lived in it and reflects that, “A home needs to be filled with love” (33), but hers was not. She has been there for three weeks and refuses to sleep, keeping herself awake with coffee and Red Bull. David, her hero, has sent her here to grieve. She is unimpressed by the counselors and makes no effort to fit in, deciding not to go on a hike with the other patients.

Adele sees a “gangly teenager” (35), who she recognizes as the only other patient who interests her because she has heard his screams and raving in the night. They greet each other and share their disdain for the therapists and their mutual suffering of night terrors. The boy tells Adele he read about her in the papers and is sorry about her parents. Adele changes the subject. She sees “faded track marks” (37), on the boy’s arms, and he refers to “[b]ad habits” (37). He mentions something that happened once while she was asleep, and she thinks about the fire that killed her parents. She reflects on not wanting to sleep, and that there may be a way to help both herself and the boy. She thinks about a secret, “the thing she can never tell them about. They would lock her up forever if she did” (38). Adele and the boy make a deal: She will help him with his night terrors, and he will invent stuff to keep the therapists happy. Adele feels pleased that she has made a friend and looks forward to telling David.

It is the morning following the dinner at Dr. Sykes’s house, where Adele charmed everyone present, making David proud. She lies in bed with David, “the man who braved fire to rescue the girl he loved” (39). She remembers the night before when they had sex, although he was drunk. She hopes he will make love to her again now, in the “illicit place where I like him best” (40). However, he moves away, and they get up for breakfast. They are amiable to each other for once, and she feels him admiring her beauty. David gives Adele pills for her anxiety, a basic, old-style mobile phone, and a credit card. She is grateful and happy about the latter two items—both are part of their “fresh start” (43)—and she thanks him with a hug, which he returns. She feels hopeful about their relationship. He tells her about his plan to do outreach work, which she feels is beneath him, but tells him he is a good man. This comment darkens their light-hearted mood, “and we both feel the past cement itself between us once more” (44). Adele forces a smile, vowing to herself to not take the pills.

It is Sunday afternoon and Louise has spent the weekend doing housework, watching TV, drinking wine, and waiting for Adam to come home from his father’s house. She has also been wondering how David and Adele are spending their time, while trying to forget him. Adam arrives and his father, Ian, asks if he can take Adam to France for a month in the coming summer holiday. Adam’s new wife Lisa is pregnant and they want Adam to bond with her before the baby arrives. The news deeply hurts Louise and she refuses the request. When Ian leaves, she muses on how upset and lonely she is: “I feel sick. I feel angry. I feel lost” (48). She and Adam have an emotional argument about France and Louise tells him she will think about it. Her main concern is for herself: being left alone and losing precious time with Adam. She pities herself, drinks more wine, and decides to let Adam go to France.

Louise wakes up next to Adam’s bed after sleepwalking. She wonders if she should have therapy for her night terrors.

The next morning, Louise takes Adam to school and, feeling lonely, wishes she were going to work that day. She walks toward the shops and suddenly someone bumps into her, and falls to the ground. Louise helps the woman up and realizes it is Adele. Adele is surprised to find out Louise is David’s colleague and invites her for a coffee. Louise knows it is a bad idea, but her curiosity takes over and she accepts. Louise is charmed by Adele’s beauty, and “hint of disarming shyness” (55), despite telling herself the two cannot be friends. They talk about personal matters and Louise feels herself opening up to Adele, while Adele hints about a troubled past, with David as her savior. Adele receives a phone call which Louise determines is from David and wonders why Adele does not mention her. Adele explains David likes to keep work and home separate. The women swap numbers, at Adele’s request, while Louise convinces herself that despite the fact that she quite likes Adele, they shouldn’t and won’t meet again.

Adele paints the bedroom in different tones of green, which remind her of trees in a wood, and feels happy about her new friend, Louise. Adele thinks Louise is wonderful, funny, pretty, and just needs to lose half a stone to have a good figure. Adele imagines things they can do together: go to the gym, drink wine, laugh. She reflects on how easy it was to orchestrate bumping into her, following the map Louise had drawn for David. She notes that Louise “didn’t suspect a thing” (60).

David calls the Westlands center and Adele excitedly answers the call. She is wearing David’s watch. He has been to the hospital and says he will have a skin graft. They talk about their fresh start and Adele says they should get married as soon as possible. She reflects that her father was against her getting engaged so young, at 17, and that her parents disapproved of David as he was from “bad stock” (62). She thinks about how she has loved David since she was eight years old: Now, he is going to be a doctor, she has inherited everything, and her parents will no longer be an obstacle in their relationship. David comments on her improved mood; she tells him about her new friend Rob and how she wants them to meet.

David calls Adele and tells her he will be home late because of some charity work. Adele is too excited about her own plans to worry about him, although she suspects he may be going to get drunk or meet someone: “He’s had his secrets before” (65). She lies to him that she has taken the pills. She feels that these “days of almost contentment” (66), cannot last, but that she will be brave and play along, to save their love. She continues painting the bedroom wall, then goes to the cellar to search in some old boxes that were “rescued from the burned-out wing of a house” (67). She finds her target, an old notebook containing the instructions “Pinch myself and say I AM AWAKE once an hour” (67). She remembers the source of this: Westlands, years ago. She plans to share the book with Louise—their joint secret.

David returns home in the early evening. Adele shows him the painted bedroom wall. He reacts with a flat, dead voice, asking why she chose those colors. He looks at her and she sees “everything that sits between us” (68). She is pleased with his reaction and prepares herself for a battle.

The next morning at work, Louise learns from her colleague Sue that David arrived early and is in a bad mood. Louise worries that Adele has told him about their meeting and that he will think of her a stalker or fire her. To relieve her guilt, she vows to tell him she agreed to coffee with Adele against her will. However, his response to her confident entry into his office is anger: “Cold. Distant. None of that natural warmth and charm of before” (70). She leaves without telling him what she had intended, feeling angry but less guilty as she reasons that their kiss, and accidentally meeting Adele, were of no importance.

In the afternoon, the Hawkins family enter the clinic and Louise recognizes in their twitchy son, Anthony, the signs of heroin addiction. The young man is reluctant to see David but David charms him into entering his office.

Louise receives a text message from Adele inviting her to the gym the next day. Her immediate response is panic and then she rationalizes that she should answer so as not to be rude. Her thinking about Adele becomes more positive as she realizes she likes her, and they need each other. She reasons that David is a cheat, and that she should be on Adele’s side. She thinks she will tell David anyway, if she and Adele get on. Although wishing it were not to be at the gym, she accepts Adele’s invitation and reluctantly agrees to being picked up at her flat.

At the end of their therapy session, Anthony Hawkins leaves in a calmer state and David apologizes to Louise for his earlier outburst. She feels conflicted again, “trapped in that secret” (76) with Adele. She rues her newly complicated life.

The next day, in the sauna at the health club, Adele visualizes the details of Louise’s flat, which she had insisted on being shown around. She also reflects to herself on Louise’s performance in the gym and invites her to be her regular gym buddy when she comes without David. Louise accepts and remembers that she needs a day off the following day as Adam is leaving for France. Adele encourages her to call in sick. Louise asks about Adele and David’s marriage and Adele tells her all about having loved him since she was a child, her relationship with her parents, the fire, and how David saved her. She concentrates on talking about David, because the details of the fire are, to her, “all second-hand” (80).

At two o’clock, Adele realizes she has to be at home for a call, but has left her phone at home. She invites Louise home for lunch, and Louise reluctantly accepts. Adele feels: “I do like her. Strong. Warm. Funny. And easily led (82).

As Adele drives too fast through London, Louise asks herself about the hurry and the important call. She feels sick at the thought of entering the couple’s home, as an “interloper” (84), holding secrets from both of them. Impressed by their luxurious home, but not by Adele’s “crappy old phone” (84), Louise asks Adele about the call. Adele’s explanation that David rings every day at the same time causes Louise doubt about David’s character and concern for Adele. Louise suggests Adele ignore the call, then feels guilty for saying it. She overhears Adele’s side of the call, which incites further doubt. She sees the contents of the pill cupboard, which Adele explains is full of David’s prescriptions for her. Louise feels increasingly uncomfortable in the house, which “feels like a gilded cage” (86). She reflects that her own life is better: Routine, but busy.

Having lunch in the garden, the two women discuss David and Adele’s childlessness. Adele says David is focused on his career and that she wants to be a traditional wife. Louise again feels guilty, thinking of David “out getting drunk and snogging chubby single mums with baggage” (87). Adele brings out the notebook and tells Louise it will help with her night terrors. Adele explains how badly they used to affect her, and Louise reciprocates with her account of how they may have caused her split with Ian. Adele “smiles, pure happiness” (89), as she remarks on how rare the two of them are and how remarkable that they found each other. Louise continues to feel guilty but is curious. She reads the instructions on the first page, then asks to whom the notebook belongs; Adele’s enigmatic answer is: someone she used to know, but “it’s part me. I was there when he learned how to do it” (89).

Back in Westlands, Adele tells Rob that when she was little, David gave her a book about avoiding night terrors and she will teach Rob how to do it. They laugh and she feels almost content in his company, although the treatment at the center is not helping her to “lay her family to rest” (92). Instead, she remembers the old, disused well at their home, and the idea of metaphorically closing it makes her think she might be able to sleep again.

The following day, Adam leaves and Louise feels sad, at home alone on her “fake sickie” (93). She takes out the notebook and reads it, intrigued by who the writer, Robert Dominic Hoyle, is. She reads Rob’s notes, in which he expresses his utter disdain for Westlands and for people in general. He refers to his unattractive appearance and the awful from which place he comes. His only praise is for Adele—her beauty and their friendship.

To her immense surprise, David arrives at Louise’s door. He has been drinking, and they continue drinking together. She feels embarrassed about her flat and her appearance, guilty about her lie about the sick day, but also “electrified” (96) by his presence and her attraction to him. She wonders why he is there, and if he wants to control her as well as Adele. David drinks fast and refers to their meeting in the bar and his feelings for Louise. He is serious and morose, and their conversation leads to his marriage, although he doesn’t want to discuss it. They end up in bed, which Louise vows to herself will only happen once. Her feelings are a mixture of sexual thrill, guilt about Adele, and revulsion at herself. She falls asleep.

Louise wakes up after another bad dream about losing Adam and a burning house. She decides she needs to choose Adele or David. Adam calls her and she feels better: “This is my real life […] This is the life I have to make my peace with” (104). She determines to do the right thing and not choose David.

At home, Adele thinks about the e-cigarette she bought as a gift for Louise, along with the gym membership, both of which are expenses she will have to hide from David. She invites Louise to the gym the following Monday, calling her “a fat little people pleaser” (108), in her head. She cries with rage and envy toward Louise as she recalls her own fight with David the night before, and his “hate and anger” (108) at her on his return. Adele knows everything that David did the previous night and is surprised that it happened so fast. She still appreciates Louise, and she needs her to make David happy, although she simultaneously hates Louise for sleeping with David. Adele decides she needs to be positive and make a plan.