A Work in Progress

“And it’s not long before

you don’t even need

the Nick Fishers of the world

to be there

to tell you

what they think

of you—

what the whole entire world thinks

of you—

that you

are less than

you

are an animal

not worthy

of kindness

or consideration

or respect.”

This quotation emphasizes the theme of Individual and Systemic Anti-Fat Bias. Nick’s comment produces an internalized self-consciousness within Will. The phrase “you don’t even need the Nick Fishers of the world” emphasizes how Will now believes everyone sees him as unworthy. This opens Will’s eyes to how society sees fat people and treats them as “less than.” Describing himself as “an animal” underscores how much Will has internalized societal beliefs.

“I’ve always been

big.

Bigger

than everyone else.”

This quote characterizes the protagonist, Will. Here, Will points out that while some people judge fatness to be a result of individual actions and decisions, in actuality, fatness has always been a simple fact of who he is. The phrase “bigger than everyone else” further shows how Will compares himself to those around him.

“I go

to a school

full of skinny kids

and thin teachers.

Everybody.

Every

body.

I stick out

like a sore thumb.”

This quotation supports the theme of Body Image, Self-Critique, and Self-Acceptance. Will notices that his body looks different from his peers, evidenced by the phrase, “I stick out like a sore thumb.” This makes him feel like he is not normal and introduces a heightened criticism of his appearance.

“There’s no way

a fat person

would make

the space between

the back

of the chair

and the front

of the desk

so narrow.”

Will observes how Individual and Systemic Anti-Fat Bias works in the architecture of his classroom. The desks in his classroom have a chair that is welded to the desk, making the space to sit in between the desk and chair back fixed rather than adjustable. Will notes that this design is not accommodating to fat bodies.

“Jules can’t like me back

because she

looks like her

and I

look like me.

Because she

is thin

and I

am FAT.”

Will’s internalized beliefs about fat people being “less than” affect his interactions with his peers. He does not think he is worthy of love, friendship, or being seen. This emphasizes the theme of Authenticity, Friendship, and What It Means to Be Seen.

“Fat people

Are never love interests.

Fat people

Are never heroes.

If they get

to be anything

at all

fat people

are the stupid sidekicks

the dumb

clumsy

ridiculous

clowns.”

This quotation further emphasizes the theme of Individual and Systemic Anti-Fat Bias. Will observes that the messages he gets about fat people in the media are very limited. They are not depicted as protagonists or as desirable by potential love interests. Rather, they are stereotyped into “clown” type roles where physical comedy is often used to make them the butt of the joke. Will uses negative adjectives “dumb,” “stupid,” “clumsy,” and “ridiculous” to describe how society views fat people.

“And each bite—

every

shoveled-in

mouthful

—overwhelms

my taste buds

and turns down

the noise

in my brain.”

This quotation describes Will’s disordered eating, particularly binge eating. The phrase “shoveled-in mouthful” depicts the speed at which Will is eating. Will binge-eats to numb his self-criticism, which he compares metaphorically to turning down “the noise” in his brain.

“Do you want to be

grosser than

a glass of puke

for the rest

of your life?”

This quotation is a rhetorical question that Will asks himself to enable his disordered eating. He overheard girls playing “would you rather” between kissing him and drinking a glass of puke. The girls’ internal bias led them to choose the glass of puke, dehumanizing and demeaning Will’s worth. He internalizes these negative messages and convinces himself that he needs to become thin to be desirable.

“EAT

No.

FEED ME.

HURRY UP

AND FEED ME.

NO.

YOU KNOW

YOU WANT TO.

I don’t.

I don’t.

LIAR.”

This is an exchange between Will’s consciousness and his internal, critical voice. The capitalized lines (except the second “NO”) all belong to Will’s internal voice. In the layout of the page, this voice is right-aligned, while Will’s conscious, lowercase voice is left-aligned. This alignment signifies the back-and-forth he experiences between feeling like he should eat and restricting himself.

“I bite my lip—

dig my teeth

into the skin

and focus

on that pain

instead of

the growling

in my belly.”

Will describes how he self-harms to distract himself from his hunger. This is another form of disordered eating that involves strategies to enable restrictive eating. Will is creating physical pain to combat his hunger, as opposed to earlier, when he used food intake to numb emotional pain. This quote uses descriptive language to depict Will biting his lip with his teeth so hard that it distracts him from his growling belly.

“Soon

I’ll be thin enough

to do

what Mom’s

always telling me

to do—

put myself

out there.”

Will believes that being thin is a prerequisite for being considered human. His mom encourages him to let his peers “see” him, but Will thinks he must be thin to be accepted by his peers. The verse uses a single line break between every line except “out there,” for which it uses a double line break. This isolates “out there” on the page, typographically isolating it and representing how Will feels alone and distanced from others.

“And it wasn’t

because of his clothes

or his hair

or his fingernails.

What it was—

what I think

it was

—was the way

he looked at me

and talked to me

so plainly

so normally

like it didn’t find it

the least bit weird

that I was back there

behind the auditorium

all by myself

when I was supposed to be

in the cafeteria

with everybody else.”

Will describes what compels him about Markus. Markus looks at and talks to Will “normally.” Will has become so used to being dehumanized by the Individual and Systemic Anti-Fat Bias around him that being treated as normal seems strange. This quotation also characterizes Markus and his lack of bias.

“It felt—kinda fake. And it just got so…exhausting. And it got more and more uncomfortable, too. Every time. And then one time, when Mom took me out for our usual shopping trip, I just…I don’t know. I sorta said, Screw it. I decided I’m gonna wear and do and BE exactly who and what I want to be. ME. Right NOW.”

This quotation comes from Markus’s story about his attempts to fit in at his old schools, the unhappiness that brought him, and his decision to be authentic, even if that decision costs him friends. This is the only section of the novel told in prose. It shows how Lerner uses form to signify differences in voice and character.

“Maybe

I’ll put myself

out there.

Maybe

I’ll step through

that door

and tell him

every

thing.”

Typographically, the phrase “out there” has several levels of indentation when compared to the rest of the left-aligned words. The form of the verse poetry thus shows how the concept of being “out there” feels isolating to Will. This quotation, specifically the typographical features of “out there,” recalls Will’s mom encouraging him. The repetition of “out there” across different parts of the novel shows that Will is interested in Authenticity, Friendship, and What It Means to Be Seen—particularly in his growing friendship with Markus—but is intimidated by the vulnerability it asks of him.

“‘Is it

Chalmers?

Will Chalmers?

Chalker?

Chambers?’

‘Chambers!’

LAUGHING LAUGHING

LAUGHING.

‘Oh my gosh.

Can you

imagine?’

‘He’s such

a creep.

Always staring

at her

in the hallway.’

‘Yuck.’”

Will overhears some girls guessing who Jules likes. First, they cannot remember Will’s name. When they establish who they are talking about, they swing insults at him, calling him “a creep” and using the interjection “yuck” to express disgust. This reinforces their anti-fat bias.

“No more food.

You don’t

deserve it.”

This quotation, which shows Will’s self-talk, demonstrates an outlook called “food morality,” where food and its consumption become linked to moral judgments. Certain foods are labeled good or bad, and these judgments reflect upon the people who eat them. Likewise, food is styled not as a necessity to live but as a reward or punishment for certain behaviors. This is a form of disordered eating, evidenced by Will’s assertion that he doesn’t “deserve it.”

“i shove

i try to

shove him

out of

my

way

but every

thing

teet ers

t

i

p

s”

This quotation has stylized typographical features that enhance its meaning. There are large spaces between words and in the middle of words to show Will’s slow and interrupted thought processes, which are affected by his lack of food intake. The word “teeters” has a large space, breaking up “teet” and “ers” as if the halves of the word are themselves teetering. Each letter of the word “tips” is on a different line, arranged slightly further to the right than the previous letter. This gives it the impression of tipping.

“I was scared.

Scared

to be alone.

Scared

of myself.

Scared

of what I’d done

to myself.

Scared

of what I could’ve done

to myself.”

Will realizes the implications of his restrictive eating after he faints in public and wakes up at home. He realizes that his negative self-image has led him to physically harmful behavior that could endanger his life if they escalate. The word “scared” always appears on its own line, emphasizing the weight of this emotion Will feels.

“And minutes

passed.

A lot

of them.

But my parents

didn’t budge.

They didn’t

let go.

They stayed

right where

they were

while I cried

and cried

and cried.”

Will finally opens up to his parents about his thoughts and behaviors, and they are non-judgmental and supportive. Previously, Will thought about how his parents would not be able to understand his perspective since they were thin. Here, he realizes this is not the case, as they “didn’t let go” and “stayed right where they were” to support their child.

“But beneath

all that—

mixed in with

those not-so-great

Emotions—

I felt relief.

It was like…

like I’d been sitting

in a burning building

for the past

few years

and I’d finally called

for help.”

This quotation shows Will’s character arc and progression. Over the past years, he tried not to be seen by his peers and family. However, he has now learned that being authentic and open to people can have its benefits, like not having to struggle through tough things alone. Will uses the simile of calling for help to escape from a burning building to describe the relief he feels in finally confiding in others.

“But I bent my knees

and threw my arms out

just like he said

and even though

I was sure

I was about to fall

and break my arm

or crack my head open

I didn’t

and actually

I did it—

I found it—

my balance.”

Markus gives Will a skateboard. Will’s attempts to find his balance on the skateboard foreshadow his eventual attempts to find a balance between his “good” and “bad” days. Lerner establishes Will’s progress in learning to ride a skateboard and continuing to try, even if he is not good, as a symbol for and parallel to his struggles with his self-image. It thus relates to Body Image, Self-Critique, and Self-Acceptance.

“[A]ll those artists

had wanted

to make a point

about how it’s impossible

to capture a person

on canvas

when they’re always changing—

always becoming

different people

even if only

little by little—

right

before

your eyes.”

Markus uses the metaphor of artists painting an incomplete self-portrait to explain the process of continual growth and self-acceptance to Will. This informs Markus’s outlook, which is that everyone is always a “work in progress” and should try to represent the truest version of themselves every day.

“‘Would you like

to come talk with me

every week?’

I told her

I did.

I told her

that sounded

great.

And it really

did.”

These lines between Will and his therapist, Marci, are accompanied by a sketch of an ollie, depicted in three steps. An ollie is a skateboarding trick where the rider and board jump into the air without the use of their hands. The steps show the movements one must go through to reach their goal. Similarly, Will is going through movements—in this case, weekly therapy sessions—to reach his new goal of accepting his authentic self.