10 Minutes 38 Seconds in This Strange World

In the first minute after her heart stops, Leila remembers her birth in vivid detail. Leila’s mother, Binnaz, reacted to the announcement of her daughter’s gender with disappointment. Binnaz was a beautiful young woman and the second wife of a man named Haroun. She contemplated how easily she could lose her new wealth. When Leila was born, she would not cry, worrying the women in the birthing room.

As she worried, Binnaz reflected on the traditions and superstitions she took part in to ensure her child’s health. After repeated miscarriages, Haroun’s family encouraged him to find another young wife, but he could not cast either Binnaz or Susan, his first wife, aside, financially or emotionally. As the midwife tended to Leila, Susan left the room.

All of the women feared for Leila’s life; the midwife submerged Leila in a bowl of salt to stimulate crying, which worked.

Haroun entered the room and claimed that Leila did not belong to them but to Allah, God. He insisted that Binnaz give Leila to Susan to raise as her own daughter. Distraught, Binnaz remembered her wedding night and the fear she felt. She kept her eyes closed and counted until Haroun was finished with her.

Binnaz begged Haroun to let her keep Leila. Binnaz cried and looked out of the window, seeing piles of snowballs, which rained down on her, cutting her lip and hurting her. She later understood that that moment was “her first encounter with mental illness” (26).

Later, Houran decided to name Leila after several women in his family. He chose to name her Leyla Alfife Kamile, explaining that Alfife meant chaste and untainted and Kamile meant perfection. She would be Leyla Alfife Kamile until she arrived in Istanbul, was raped by an unknown man, and sold to a brothel. She became Tequila Leila to her friends and clients. However, she claims that, despite her origins, the media will portray her as just another sex worker in Istanbul.

In the second minute after her death, Leila remembers the taste of the lemon sugar wax that Susan used; she was raised believing Susan was her mother. At age six, in 1953, Leila considered the history of her family’s house: Her father’s grandfather had been certain that the original Armenian owners hid gold and treasure within the house’s walls. She realized that many of the sweet treats she enjoyed were from Istanbul and promised herself she would go there one day.

As a child, Leila wondered why her mother refused to be affectionate toward her in front of her aunt. Her mother told her that her aunt had a mental illness and that on the day Leila was born, Auntie punched herself in the face while watching the birth from the doorway. Leila loved her aunt.

On waxing day, Leila’s mother invited her friends over to wax their legs; this occurred twice a month, and the women would all lounge around in various stages of undress and curse or be crude. Leila found this tradition confusing because, on weekends that were not dedicated to waxing, the women all wore hijabs and sat silently on their knees before an Imam—an Islamic holy man—listening to his sermon. Leila thought about how the women in her home began to wear hijabs after Haroun had spoken to a sheik—an Islamic title of respect given to elders—who explained that women should be contained.

Finding her mother busy with her friends, Leila went into the kitchen and found Auntie cutting up lettuce. Auntie’s brother was coming home from Korea after the war. Auntie told Leila that she missed her family, and Leila felt very sad for her; Auntie was pregnant again, but everyone ignored her because of her miscarriages. Leila noticed that there were pieces of worms amongst the lettuce. Auntie told Leila that she was her real mother. Leila felt unsettled, but she decided that Auntie was making it up.

Later, Leila sat on the roof of her house eating spoonfuls of the lemon sugar wax. She noticed pigeons in cages on the roof with bowls of water and food, realizing fondly that Auntie was caring for them. Leila realized that Auntie had been telling the truth about her parentage. In the present, Leila says that this was the moment that she learned that love must be shown in private. She states that “this teaching would come with dire consequences” (43).

During the third minute of Leila’s death, she remembers being 20 years old at a brothel in Istanbul. She remembers the taste of cardamom coffee, which she’d loved as a child but now associates with a difficult time. In September 1967, Leila was in her second brothel; she was non-consensually sold into her first brothel. When Leila left, she caused much controversy among the other sex workers, but the madame of the new brothel, “Bitter Ma,” found Leila’s audacity impressive, paying off her debts at the other establishment.

The brothel was obscured in the evenings by string lights that shone various purples and reds. Outside the door, a sign told visitors that if they wished to protect themselves from sexually transmitted infections, they should purchase condoms and ask to see the sex workers’ health cards. Leila worked from 10 o’clock in the morning to 11 o’clock at night. Leila had the best room in the house; if “something were to go wrong, she could easily be heard from downstairs” (51). She only owned a pair of blue satin shoes, some clothing, and various postcards of places she dreamed of visiting.

Leila heard a young man singing outside. She opened her window to find a young man working below. When asked for his name, he said his name was nothing. She checked for him every day for several weeks, assuming he would never return.

One night, the police raided dozens of night clubs and bars; they arrested many underage clubbers, drug users, and sex workers. Leila found herself in a small cell, with a woman named Nalan humming in the corner. Leila recognized the song and stared hard at Nalan: She was the same person that had been singing outside of her window weeks ago. The women talked within the cell, and Nalan explained that she was transgender and had undergone gender affirmation surgery. The pair became fast friends. After they were released, they continued to meet each other for coffee and sent each other letters when they were too busy to meet. Eventually, Nalan became Nostalgia Nalan—one of Leila’s five closest friends.

For much of her life, Nalan, the youngest child of a farming family in Anatolia, was called Osman. She grew up playing with the shadows; in her imaginings, she would play a girl, never a boy. In school, Nalan struggled with her academics and was bullied by her classmates after they discovered that she painted her toenails. Nalan underwent her mandatory military service, and upon her return, her mother arranged her marriage. Feeling emboldened by the suffering she experienced in the military, she ran away on her wedding night, jumping onto the first train to Istanbul. She worked hard to afford to live in Istanbul, feeling that it was the only place where she could transform externally into the person she was internally. From then on, she was only Nalan.

In the fourth minute of Leila’s death, she remembers August 1953, when her family went on a vacation to a small fishing town on the coast. Leila’s uncle, a handsome man in his mid-forties, entertained her during the journey to the fishing town. When the family arrived, Leila was placed in a room with the rest of the children. At night, Leila’s uncle entered and lay down beside her. Leila’s uncle sexually assaulted her and told her that she was his favorite; he claimed that he would protect Leila from boys when she got older.

Leila’s uncle returned on the third night. He sexually assaulted Leila again and forced her to touch him. When he was finished, he told Leila that she was secretly as dirty as all of the others, making her cry. He tried to comfort her and promised not to tell anyone the truth about her as long as she kept their secret.

When the family returned to their home in Van, Leila became extremely ill with a mysterious fever. Auntie and Mother tried their best to help Leila, but she remained extremely sick. Haroun reluctantly decided to ask the lady pharmacist for help after finding that the local barber, who seemed to have many duties, was unavailable. She was a single mother, dressed in Western clothing and firmly opposed to polygamy. She arrived with her son, Sinan, and scoffed at Auntie and Mother’s attempts to heal Leila.

The pharmacist gave Leila medication from a syringe, and Leila, feverish and hallucinating, cried out for her uncle to leave her alone. The pharmacist’s son held Leila’s hand to help soothe her. Leila fell into a deep sleep and dreamed about running from her uncle. As she ran, she saw Sinan calling her over and felt comforted by his presence. Sinan would become one of Leila’s best friends, one of “the five.”

Sinan was raised by his mother after his father passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack. His father had been progressive and desired to see his country become more like the Western countries. Sinan wondered if his mother ever wished that he had died instead of his father, but he knew that his mother loved him.

One day at the pharmacy, a woman came in stating that she had severe stomach pains from taking the medication that Sinan’s mother had given her. His mother yelled at the woman angrily; she had given the woman condoms for her husband after she had asked for a way to stop having children. The woman claimed that her husband refused to take them, so she decided to. Sinan’s mother remained angry for the rest of the day.

Five minutes after her death, Leila remembers the birth of her younger brother, Tarkan, in March 1954. She entered her birth mother’s room and fell in love with her brother immediately. Auntie reminded her of their secret and claimed that all three of them now share that secret together. Family members, including Leila’s uncle, flooded the room to congratulate Binnaz and Haroun. Upon his arrival, Leila quickly left the room.

After a few years, it became apparent that Tarkan was not like other children. Haroun and Leila took Tarkan to a hospital, and he was diagnosed with Down syndrome. Haroun believed that Tarkan’s condition was his fault; he believed he had been punished for believing that Allah owed him something. He decided to dedicate himself to Allah, and as the years passed, he became increasingly conservative in his beliefs. Haroun became a member of a jihad sect—a group of people who struggled against the enemies of Islam—and pushed his beliefs onto Leila.

As Leila grew older, she began to explore her body and autonomy by dyeing her hair and refusing to wear a hijab. At 16, Leila and Sinan remained close friends. At lunch, Sinan would tell Leila the news about the world. Sinan had a deep love for codes, so Leila called him Sabotage Sinan. Leila, in the present, states that after she ran away to Istanbul, Sinan followed her.

Six minutes after her death, Leila remembers June 1963, when her cousin married a woman from a wealthy family. Leila thought about the wedding dress that the bride wore, with the red belt symbolizing chastity and purity. Leila sadly thought that she could never wear a dress like that because she was not pure. As she thought about the dress, she began to self-harm to calm herself.

After the wedding ceremony, Leila’s family went to a small bakery and ordered tea. Leila’s uncle was extremely disrespectful and demanding of the young person who served them their tea. Leila thought that his newfound wealth made him arrogant. She empathized with the server for surrendering to her uncle’s power. Leila tried to stand up for the server by claiming the samovar was excellent, but she was quieted by her father. Leila understood then that her father would always be on her uncle’s side.

Sometime later, Leila’s father discussed the importance of prayer and memorizing the surahs from the Qur’an. Leila wanted to know what would happen to a person who had “done something wrong” but “didn’t mean to do it” (97), in reference to what happened with her uncle. Frustrated by her father’s words, Leila attempted to leave. Leila’s father became angry and raised his hand against her, but he did not hit her. They both blamed Leila for his impulse. Years later, in the present, as she lies dying, Leila still remembers the deep sadness that she felt that afternoon.